Revelation of a True Reality

As of late we've obviously had many different religious movements with the threat of a May 21st Judgment day... Let's put all of that behind us and set the record straight...

First thing is first... I'm going to lead you to the book... The Bible is the way, to have a full understanding of what I am about to tell you, you must read the bible, books Mark, Luke, and John to fully understand and of course Revelations, these are the books that speak of what I am about to explain...
I understand the Bible is written in a way that is difficult to understand for some people, believe it or not, I am dyslexic and my attention span is not the greatest so I completely understand, which is why I'm here to try and help break it down for you..

Let's start with the biggest misconception that people have, and that is The Rapture is the same thing as Judgment Day.
I'm going to start by explaining The Rapture first;

Recently I posted a statement that said, "

Hes sending his warnings, are you listening? More importantly ....are you ready?"

What does that mean? It means that In the last days God will shake the earth to warn the people of earth of the return of his son, the Messiah, The Lord Jesus Christ.
In the books of Mark, Luke and John, and Revelations they speak about devastation that will come upon the earth and other signs to warn you that the last days are upon us.

Many things have been said about "this time" in which many THINK they have the right to speak on without knowing the true meaning, please do not be confused.

For those of us who have let Jesus into our hearts and truly within your heart accepted him as your savior will be called to heaven in this moment to ride along side Jesus to Heaven.
I say moment because this will come like a thief in the night... nobody not even Jesus will know of the day or hour of his return, only our Heavenly Father will know, and it will happen in the blink of an eye.

The signs leading up to this day are already upon us, Massive Earthquakes, Devastating weather, political dealings, prophecies unfolding that were prophecized centuries ago... No really... I'm serious... It's in this book I keep talking about, and the books (chapters) within it.

If you think these tragedies have been terrible... what is yet to come are going to be horrific. You see those of us who have accepted Jesus will go to heaven in the rapture and escape what will happen next. This is where the book (chapter) of Revelations comes in.

A lot of people have a problem believing the bible because it was written by men ... and they constantly ask how are they to know its real? To that I say....

One... You are a fool to question him, Ever heard of the saying, I walk not by sight but by faith?
The Bible will depict every Major Natural Disaster, turmoil and tragedy that will happen not only after the rapture but the events that are occurring now... The problem is some aren't going to realize this until it is too late... meaning until you are "Left behind" as many of us call it; Left behind to endure the tragedies that will come upon earth, devastation, famine, most importantly the Anti-Christ, who I believe is already in place ... I could go on about who it is but that will take forever and a day to explain... lets not get completely off topic here...
What this leads me to is, this is the time that will lead up to Armageddon... and Judgment Day...

You see, during this time, just because you didnt make the Rapture does not mean you have already been judged and will not go to Heaven... This just means you haven't been saved...
I want to give everyone a bit of advice, my own "How to survive the Apocalypse" if you will...

What you must know are 2 things...

1. Get to Know Jesus and accept him in your life, ask him to forgive you of all of your sins and MEAN it... (this will also work now)

2. DO NOT TAKE THE MARK OF THE BEAST

Let me explain that...

During this time some major changes will be made... a universal currency for example, The Bible states that the mark of the Beast (666) will be implanted in hands and foreheads of everyone and this implant will hold the mark of the beast, without this you will not be able to buy or sell any goods. How do you get around taking the mark of the beast? Unfortunately this is something that will put you out in the open as one of Jesus' followers... Which means more than likely they will take you into their custody and torture you... Sounds terrible I know... but you have to remember, if you deny him before others he will deny you to his father...
But do not be afraid, He will be with you every moment, you will not suffer and he will not forsake you and the reward will be an eternity in paradise.

This will lead up to the fight of all fights... The battle between Good and Evil, for the souls of Earth, the Earth will erupt and open up so that the living and the dead will be judged and those who chose not to accept Jesus as their savior and did not seek forgiveness will be cast into the lake of fire with Satan.

Sounds like a crazy Novel right??? Its actually from the #1 best selling book of all time... Unfortunately After this all will come to pass so many will realize that this was not some fictional Stephen King Novel, but The Book of Life, the Map to Heaven... The Truth, The Holy Bible, what God sent his Apostles to write so that we, the sinners that Jesus died and rose for to follow so that we may be with him again in paradise...

I know everyone is thinking... That's the end? That's the end of the world??

No, that's not the way it ends... Matter of Fact... It doesnt end... not at all, God will recreate the Earth for all of us who were chosen, for all of us who chose to accept Jesus, to come back to live on Earth as He originally intended when he created it where we will live forever, and I know you're thinking... well it ends for those in Hell... no, its also a beginning for them... the beginning of an eternity of burning fire...

I know I've given a lot of information tonight, and I want to be clear, I am not one of these nuts or crazy fanatics that predicting the end of the world is near .... I'm just a girl with a relationship with Jesus who wants to make sure that people know the difference, and understand the tools are there for them to comprehend what has been there for them to find for centuries...

I left some details out, some of the things to look for... but I did that specifically so that you can find your own way... It's up to you to establish your relationship and understanding of whats been left for you to find, nobody else can do it for you... You'll never truly understand or be open to it if its forced...

Although the Bible is a bit difficult to understand at times, if you open your heart and mind to it, all you have to do is listen... He'll explain it to you...

~ D

The End vs The Beginning....

As 2012 approaches the more and more People talk about it the more "Prophecies" that are present. I want to take you down the road on the other side of the guesses and hypotheticals ...

The now infamous 12/21/2012 headlines movies and millions made off of a theory, a theory that has yet to be TRULY tested...

Another that is said to be 5/21/2011 "Judgment Day", this said by some religious group...

These theories have everyone preparing for the new Y2K...

Let me give you some insight into what everyone is missing...

For those of us who have Jesus in our lives all know that these dates are nothing more than just dates that God willing we will all label as just another day... Because you see, Only he knows of the day and hour... and the other thing that everyone has seemed to leave out is exactly what we should be looking for...

My guess is, that the details are left out and manipulated so that our own free will can be compromised and manipulated.

When Satan chose to go against God, God Cast him down to earth and they came to an agreement, a fight for the souls of Earth. Every Soul would be granted Free Will so that they may make their own decisions and those who choose to follow God's word will have a seat next to him for all of Eternity and those who do not will stand before God and answer for their choices.

Judgment day is when all people of the heaven and Earth will stand before God ... What they have left out is that before this, God will send his son for those who have not forsaken him, this is what we call the Rapture.

For those of us who have stood by his love and his word and accepted his son will Ride into Heaven beside Jesus, and those who are left will have to endure hell on earth for 7 years...

The talk of Asteroids, Ice caps melting to cover the earth and everything in between that everyone is trying to predict, well If you are one with Jesus... then luckily you wont be here to feel it.

The destruction of Earth is Not an ending it is a beginning for God's children, those who chose his way, for all of us to come back to Earth and live the way he originally intended...

The Rapture is near, He is sounding the horns, and putting forth the signs... He is on his way back to bring us home, A day that nobody will be able to predict, in the blink of an eye we will be home, spared from the devastation that so many believe they are suppose to prepare for, all the while they should have been preparing their souls and heart rather than some catastrophe that is unstoppable.

I pray that you understand the difference between the "End" and the Beginning...

ABOUT FACE!

I'm going to be brutally honest right now...
I am so sick and tired of everyone pointing fingers and blaming everyone for this governmental shut down. Its Obama bla bla bla...
NO! Its OUR fault. point blank period thank you and have a nice day!

This administration and any that follow will have to fix what we as a country decided... Greedy bastards chose to cut taxes and steal from the poor to give to the rich... STFU with the blame game and complaining! My grandmother a woman who took care of wounded soldiers in WWII will not get paid bc the REPUBLICANS want to end social security NOW. FOR REAL!?

I understand that I may not have social security to live off of when I'm 65, but now? People who have depended on this? You want to just up and end it, without so much as a warning to them?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO PROTECT US AND THE ELDERLY, BUT LET A CRACK HEAD WALK INTO SOCIAL SECURITY OR WELFARE AND ITS ALL PAPERWORK AND IN 4 WEEKS THEY WILL RECEIVE THEIR FIRST CHECK???!!

Why aren't we screening people who decide to file for benefits of any kind?

How is it that as tax payers we pay into social security, unemployment, medi-cal/ medic-ade but yet we can't use it?? But let an addict walk in and show no income and use a fake address and CONGRATULATIONS HERE'S A FREE CHECK ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE WHO IS NOT ALLOWED TO USE THEIR OWN MONEY?? Because that makes so much sense.

I am all for helping people in need... but when you CHOOSE to do drugs, become an alcoholic, to mooch off of other people YOU ARE NOT IN NEED OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN GROWING UP AND ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SELF.

You shouldn't be allowed disability if you have arthritis due to the fact that you did Meth for most of your life and it has deteriorated your joints.. or because you were high and injured yourself.

What happened to people only being able to use Welfare for 2 years and then having to find a job?? Instead if you go into apply if you're a woman they ask if you're pregnant and then when you say no their response is, "come back when you are"

You people in congress need to get your priorities straight... if you have to cut costs cut those who are clearly abusing the system. It would take less money for you to screen people than it does for you not to. All of the time and money used to screen individuals would cost less than it does for you geniuses to sit there and shut down an entire government.

Fortunately for someone like me, I've prepared, and all it took was me saving myself...
This is just another chapter leading up to Armageddon... The world will be under one currency another sign to prepare us...

People need to understand we all make choices free will be it politically or religiously, we all have choices and all of our choices have a reaction... This is where we are now...

Be mad at whomever you want right now, but somewhere earlier in your life a choice you made helped contribute to this situation... If you want to keep pointing fingers make sure not to forget that he is who without sin/fault to cast the first stone.

R. I. P. To The Girl I Used To Be

Ive decided to give you all of me... come closer, come closer
IIIiii IIi'm I'm Ready for ya!
Sorry If you haven't noticed by now I love my Drizzy!

This post is for all the girls out there young , younger and youngest ;)

Ok wait let me turn down Drake ... He's distracting me...

Ok let's start again...

I'm writing this tonight so that I can elaborate a little bit on who I am, and so that you get a little bit of an insight to the person that is ME! You will see (if you haven't already) and understand truly why this is called "Random Reads."

We don't really need to talk about my background so much because to say the least it isn't a pretty picture, but I was blessed with the Best Grandmother ever who molded me and she says I broke the Mold... Which is good because there really shouldn't be any more of either of us out there... Trust me, a Pisces mixed with a Leo... Enough said.

Anyway, I wanted to take you down the road of this Information Highway known as "D."
I'd like to sit and point out my flaws... Not the physical ones because those are obvious, No I'm talking about the ones we keep a secret. Yes the ones we hold inside, well no more... time to let that weight go, maybe with that weight the real weight can follow!

I love with my heart wide open, I've never been a selfish person, or harmed anyone other than maybe myself.
Now by that I mean, I've lived with a mentality of everyone comes before me and then when I chose to finally start thinking about myself, I wasn't prepared.
Taking care of someone else or thinking about someone else is quite different than doing so for yourself. We always have the other persons interest into consideration and end up not even recognizing our own. What's even worse is trying to share the love... Trying to balance something to that magnitude can take a toll on a person...

ACTUALLY LET ME JUST STOP .....

I've been writing this same post for 2 days and I keep having writers block and I think it's because... I really don't know who I am anymore, I know what I used to be; Stressed, impatient, angry with the worst temper, lost in who I wanted to be and the things I wanted for myself, living off of my misery just trying to make it better without actually taking the initiative to really figure out what would make it better.
Until one day I finally decided to look deeper, how was I effecting others? Was I effecting others? Yea! Yea I was, which was impacting my own life. I couldn't change because it was a vicious circle.

Before I go any further I want everyone to know that I am not your typical Christian, I'm not offended by too many things unless you attack my religion specifically, I don't really care about your actions because they aren't mine, I mean, I care because they're effecting you but... at the end of the day what you do is between you and God, I have my own life to live and my own sins to be forgiven of, I don't have time to sit and Judge you... besides it being a sin in itself to do so, I'm just too tired to waste time on that. I'm not the typical "holy roller" that most people figure Christians to be... I'm an open person I understand that life is life and we all live it differently. If you ask me about something pertaining to My beliefs then I will talk as long as you want, but otherwise, it's just another day to me, so what I'm about to say is not me pushing my belief, this is just an event in my life I'm sharing.

When I gave my worries over to God something changed in me, I saw life different without all of the everyday worries! I mean I still worry about somethings here and there, but not the way I used to... which also changed my relationships with people, it's like the real me that I always knew was hiding behind the anger stepped out and I'm magnified times 10 and I do have to say I am super awesome, and anyone who wouldn't love me now... Well clearly they do not know what they are missing out on. I live life with a whole new outlook; At one time I wanted to be a wife, be this acclaimed author, travel the world and see all of the things the world had to offer and I realized that this life is just temporary, and though I may not see it all through my eyes, it will be better when I can have it all and more and see it through God's eyes as I sit beside him. This life is just our town car on the way to main event, and I don't care how long it takes me to get there, but I will not let the ride stop me from getting there.

I've chose to love someone and take that to wherever it may go, happiness, pain and everything in between because it was a gift, and I have never been one to turn a gift down. The roads in life aren't easy, the situations we go through on a daily repetitive basis can be enough to hold us back but why let it when the road ahead makes so much more sense?

I may not know fully who I am yet but this journey is more fulfilling than the one I was on.

If what you're doing isn't in some ways going to improve you then stop doing it.
There really aren't any "What If's" in life. My life ran on the "What if" theory, I refused to have what if's in my life... I just couldn't do it, I did not want to regret anything and I soon realized...
It isnt a "What if," it's do I take the path that was already given or do I go off and make my own not knowing where it's going to lead? I'm all for adventure and being spontaneous but... I think I know that the path paved for me was paved with good intentions...

Don't let questions consume your thoughts, your days, your intentions, instead forget the cautionary tale and stop asking questions... the answers are merely formalities to what our imagination has already given.

To A Love Without End

I have given my life to you without conditions, only in hopes it would be returned.
We started off with what many would die for, from the first moment of meeting in my heart I knew there was nothing more to do than to let everything go and move ahead with a free heart and blind eye.

We've sailed down the stormy waters and into the calm, and back into the whirlpool of a never ending question...

I've watched you change from the love that changed my life to the one that lied, manipulated and destroyed what you made, all to come back full circle to the Love I've always known.

To know that there are questions unanswered, feelings unflet and truth untold leaves us at a road traveled too many times, a road with memories that are blocked by regrets, resentment and reservations.
I am not a believer in Love failing, that it just wasn't enough, Love sees no record of wrongs, so Love you have never been the one to blame, Frustration, pain and selfishness can push a person to a point of wanting to give up and just wipe everything away leaving what feels like no options.

We have traveled down the same road multiple times, roads that should have been left untraveled once we learned our lesson, but those lessons seem to be pointless and here we are yet again.

We ask the same question that we always ask, a question where the answer doesn't change which has left us in this sense of insanity, because we are still sitting here expecting a new outcome, a new answer. So where do we go from there.? Do we ride this wave out and see where it sends us, as we have this entire time? Or do we sever this tie that binds?

This love isn't just an overnight sensation, this Love, is my life... This Love, is what we have created and no situation, no pain, no circumstance or decision can end that.

My Love will not fade, it grows with each day; to lose this love would be like losing my last breath. To move on is without option, or without thought ; To physically move on only takes away the view, but the vision will always remain.

With All Of My Love,

- D

Tell The World I'm Coming Home...

To Let you see into my life would be like setting a great sadness free onto those who have taken an interest in the show...

What I can do is give you a glimpse into the way I see it...

I was born to people who had no business being parents (as a lot of children are) but besides that, the woman to give birth to me was baron. When she was young about potty training age, my grandmother discovered that she would have to wear a diaper for the rest of her life due to a complication with her bladder. She was born without the shut off to her bladder. One day My Grandma was told to have her prayed for, You see My grandmother wasn't a religious person until that day...
Running out of options with the doctors she decided what was it going to hurt? She went to church and asked the Pastor to pray for her little girl... As she asked, so they did...

It was nothing short of a miracle, One day she went in and told my Grandma she needed to go to the bathroom.. With shock and curiosity Grandma took her to the doctor for some explanation,to which the doctor had nothing to say.... Along with her bladder, she was also born without any female reproductive organs... As they were reviewing her X-Rays her bladder had been repaired, not by growth, surgery or otherwise... There was no explanation for it... But my Grandmother knew ... she had the explanation...

She was 24, she and her then husband walked in to share the news that she was pregnant with her first born... I came into the world February 28th and just 6 months later I would start my life... My (for lack of a better word) Mother chose a life that didn't exactly include children, she had left my dad for what later turned out to be valid reasons, but she also decided to move on and leave me with my grandmother.
Growing up, Grandma took me to church, would tell me bible stories and made sure I always knew where I came from.

She and I would read the bible every night, have our own type of bible study, as she got older it became more difficult to get her to church so we would watch on television and pray together.
I have always become fascinated with the Book of Revelations, when I began reading it, I was so terrified I would wake up at the thought of music playing or a flash of light and run to the living room to see if my Grandmother was still there, Not dead... but STILL THERE.

For those who may not know much about Revelations and the Rapture; When Jesus comes back to Earth, he will be coming to take his children that have let him into their lives home to Heaven. I was always afraid that I hadn't said enough or prayed enough and I would be left behind.
About the time I was 18 I started having dreams, dreams that were about the rapture, some in the effect of a funnel cloud that was in the shape of a ladder to heaven that I was not allowed to climb, or another dream where I was in gym and gymnastic rings came down from the ceiling and if you couldn't grab on you're weren't allowed to go... These dreams made me more focused than ever, I knew I had to get right with God.

I left Grandma's at the age of 24 and with that I left my motivation. Once I moved out on my own it took me a while to remember what I started before I left...
I started back to church and on one vulnerable night I gave myself over to the Lord...
I decided I was tired of fighting battles that weren't mine to fight... I gave him my heart and the pain that it was filled with...
I was attacked day and night... mostly night... Once I gave everything over to the Lord I knew it was not going to be an easy road...

So many good things were happening around me during the day, but when I laid my head down to pray, its quite another story...

I am not someone who believes in ghosts but I do believe in demons.
I would have dreams of demons holding me down, looking over me, watching me... hiding behind trees as I ran through a dead forest. As I've stated in a previous blog, another in the form of a cat repeating the word Apocalypse less than a week before the earthquake in Japan...

Conversations I have had with my grandmother she has always said, it's close, be ready honey, Ask him to come into your heart. I asked her if she had to guess (because nobody knows of the day or hour of his return) how long would she say we have... her answer, "Maybe Ten Years" This conversation took place in 2001.

I have become extremely interested in the natural disasters as of late, the dreams I've had have all fallen within weeks before these disasters, as well as political events.
Am I saying I'm psychic? No.. Am I a prophet ? No, Should you think I'm crazy? Definitely not... I am as normal as they come, but I know that things I am seeing and where I'm being led is not for nothing...
I learned to trust in him a long time a go and that he will not lead me to where he will not save me...

So what is all of this I speak of? Where am I going with all of this?
For you will not know of the day or hour of my return but you will know the signs..

We need to stop looking at "prohecized" dates and looking at ourselves.

There is no preparation kit for what people will call the end of the world. The preparation needed is the relationship with you and Jesus Christ...

" whoever denies me before men, him I will also deny before my Father who is in heaven."

He is sending his warnings, " I have sent this suffering to keep you from turning to a life of evil"

He wants his children with him, but we as human beings in the middle of the battle for souls have free will to decide as we choose.

These events were determined before time existed, We have let these events occur because we have chose to live carelessly and give into what we have accepted as tolerance, and then wonder why God would let such tragedies happen... If we're pointing fingers, ask yourself...

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE CALLED ON YOU?

Everything we do is documented, and remembered, this "book of life" that everyone is worried about, yes everything is written but do you know that with one genuine "please forgive me lord" all of your sins are forgotten..
But then you ask yourself, how could he forgive murderers and rapists, pedophiles.. ? A sin is a sin... a lie is just as bad as the most harsh act you can imagine, hating a person is the same as murder because you've already committed murder in your heart, so with that now ask yourself, How could he forgive you for that?? Because he knows you, he knows every move and thought you make, he knows your heart and its whats in your heart that matters to him, the heart doesn't lie.

We as a human race, as his children are just as responsible as anyone for the tragedies we have endured. We turn our back on him when life seems great, but only turn to him in times of need... Again I ask....

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE NEEDED YOU?

I am only one voice in the choir, I am here to spread his message, and plant the seed.
Life can become difficult, Life takes some treacherous turns, turns that make you want to give up and end it all, suicide for some, hibernation, addictions... But when you get in those moments regardless of what you believe, for the sake of argument think of this...

Jesus was born to this world in human skin, he was a human being who was crucified for what he believed (true historical event) ... Regardless if you believe he was the son of god, HE BELIEVED SO, And because of that he took the punishment and the Crucifixion because he believed to die for us, would save us, and that has to count for something!

He died for us so that we may live and be saved! So when you're at your lowest point feeling like you just can't win... Take that vision in and ask yourself, can I really let him have died for nothing? Because he died for every single one of us...

Remember, Satin is working on you as you are on your walk with the Lord, He hates to lose so he's going to try his hardest... Do as I do, I scream out He died for me! Your fight is with My father! I've already turned my life over...

We all have a choice, choose to walk his path or decide your fate, as I've said before There are no endings, just beginnings....

I chose to turn that sad life I had into something positive, I chose to embrace his love and forget the love I was searching for.

I chose to listen to his call, I know the worst is yet to come, but my grandmother told me something a couple months ago...

She has been hearing a song play over and over, not like she has a song stuck in her head but that she can actually hear it... It's called Coming Home, with trumpets and harps, and what she says is Jesus calling her home.... I cried until there weren't any tears left... She told me, honey don't cry, it's alright, it's time, it's time to go home... He said for me not to worry that I would see you soon... At that moment there was nothing for me to do but try and settle up my thoughts and try to accept that she was moving on... Which was difficult because she wasn't even sick, nothing wrong with her... I let the time settle made her call me every few hours, and then something dawned on me... She told me "The trumpets would ring and Angels will sing upon his return" I could only wonder... Is this what she's hearing? Could this be it? Is this what I've been waiting to hear? Seeing as how this happened soon before the recent events... I can't help but think that this was just the beginning...

Will you know the signs enough to put it all together? Natural Disasters, to What most people thought was a hoax of a 13th sign, War, Political Movement... ?

To give you a head start, the pieces are already being placed, the real question is can you say that you're ready to welcome him with an open heart? Because He's coming Home....

-D

Tough Love

Today embarks on a day where the past decides to come back and remind me of how I got to where I am today.

Some years back I had been in such turmoil, I had someone I loved very much and because of decisions I made outside of really having no other choice, I moved away and life went on, unfortunately with a 3rd person added to the equation.

I met and fell in love with a man who has changed my life forever, we had a whirlwind of a love affair and soon there after because my Grandmother needed me, I left to be with her.
He and I kept in touch, promised we'd make it work... Did the phone calls, and visits but it just made things more difficult it seemed. I like to call this engagement of two people a "ship" its not exactly a relationship, or a friendship and because of that I've shortened it down to the bare basics...
Our ship set sail 8 years ago and for the first year it was like nothing I could have ever imagined.. Feeling like a teenager finding love for the first time... the butterflies and daydreams were an all day event, that was until that seed of doubt started to settle in.

I have never been one that ever needed someone to plant an idea in my head for me to start thinking of possible situations... For me it was either an over-exaggerated imagination or it was what ALL women have, that 6th sense, woman's intuition...

He started talking about this friend, a friend that was held in a different manor as the rest of his friends... See he may not have known that I pay attention to every little thing, but I noticed his (What I call friend) he referred to as homeboys and homegirls (dumb I know.. never the less) but he always called her a friend same as he always called me (his term of friend was not platonic) See Ladies and Gentlemen we share a different set of definitions when speaking to eachother, the first thing we both have to learn is to speak in our definition but LISTEN in theirs...
Once I realized this, I knew to be cautious and only ask when I was ready to confirm or deny my suspicion.. and the night came when I confirmed it...

The next few days were really tough for me... I had asked and asked the same thing for more than a month and always got an answer that I knew wasn't right... Now I'm not saying he was lying... because he more than likely wasn't... but I knew the answer would eventually come.

About a week before this I had a dream where I called him and this girl had answered and she said stop calling my boyfriend and hung up on me... That's when I knew... It was coming..

I was sleep deprived, starving myself- not because I wanted to but I just had no appetite.-
I had to focus on an object so that anytime I thought about it I could focus in on that object to try and clear my mind, now of course I never want to see that object in life ever ... but believe it or not.. that helped...

Some time went by and he called almost every day and all I could think was, "Why do you want to talk to me, you made your decision so live with it!" But I loved him.. So, I answered finally.

I was cold, short sentenced, I wasn't trying to prove a point, I literally had nothing to say... Nothing to me was real anymore... It was so hard to think of him, while technically he did nothing wrong because we were not in a relationship, that doesn't take away the pain.
My trust in him was gone.
As women we do not want to know after the fact, we want to know before so that we can prepare and act accordingly. If you want to say you love us then do us the justice and allowing us to make an informed decision, be a MAN and have some respect for us.
Know your woman, if she's smart and mature then yes she's going to be hurt but, the situation will go so much smoother in the long run.

He and I started to get a friendship back, he was doing and saying things he hadn't in a long time, things were slowly looking up, and then .... I called him to tell him that the Lakers were dismantling ... (you see we share a hatred for the Lakers and a Love for our SACRAMENTO Kings) well as the phone stopped ringing a female voice had answered the phone, and instantly my heart dropped as did the phone. My mind flashing back to the dream I had some months before, I was at a loss of words but was filled with millions of thoughts. The trust we were starting to build up was instantly gone in a flash.

I had kept in touch with him, again.. I loved him and I was just back at square one, feeling like an idiot because I was the girl who always said I don't give second chances, but there I was...
He didn't see that there was anything wrong with what he was doing and, you see me... I was the type of person that refused to live with "what if's" so I took it as far as I could no matter the circumstances... I secluded myself to only communications with him, if he were to visit it was as friends, because this way I wouldn't have to ask a question I felt I knew the answer to, and hurt myself again in the process...

Some time had passed... April had come and I sat one night myspacing ... when I see a message from someone I didn't know, but I knew where this was going... The message read...

" You don't know me but I wanted to introduce myself, I'm ______ a friend of (his) I see we like a lot of the same things and thought we could be friends"

Now before answering her or looking at her page I immediately called him to ask who she was... you see.. he wasn't on myspace so she had to have known how to find me (even though I had encrypted everything I could so that I couldn't be found.) He told me that she was just a friend from school... Now again, I noticed the word "friend" and knew that I was correct in my suspicion. I looked at her page after he had told me what I would find on it... Sure enough I was correct...
I called him back and told him I wanted nothing to do with her, that I knew what she was doing and I'm not stupid... He'd better take care of it or I would.

Well from there, life was not the greatest... I would receive different messages from her or her "friends" (which turned out to be fake profiles/people - we found this out 4 YEARS later) She started stalking me online as well as in person...
When he decided to move away and come with me, it really set her off to a new level...
He and I fought for so long because to him she was just an acquaintance without understanding how that made me feel. She of course tried to monopolize on any situation and almost broke us...
While he should have understood that his decision to stay friends with someone who was only trying to destroy his happiness for her own personal gain... I shouldn't have allowed the thoughts in either...

I know, you think.. well with everything that she did (which ... I haven't even began to scratch the surface of what transpired) how could I not let it effect me..??

There was a period in time where I broke down, curled up in a ball screaming that I wanted life to end... You see, Suicide is not for me... I know what happens after that decision and I want to be with the Lord when I leave this Earth and frankly I AM TOO STRONG OF A PERSON TO GIVE UP ... But the feeling of being useless and all alone can get to you, and for me it definitely did. I felt alone and I just asked God to help me understand and get me through it ,let the rapture happen right now! I'm done with this life!! Free me!...

I woke up the next day and my outlook on life was different, its unexplainable on how it changed but it did.

He and I were arguing so much that one day I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold it together any longer... and I heard something he said in prior arguments... "The bickering needs to stop"
Now of course I knew this myself.. but at that moment it really sunk in.

Love is a tough path to sail down... It requires trust, unconditional love, admiration and respect.
As humans we use each other to take our emotions out on, be it good bad or ugly... and we expect the other to take it because they love us and are suppose to be there for us, and in the interim we forget they are a person with feelings also... I decided to take a look at myself, and really think about what I was ACTUALLY giving to this "battleship" ... was I pushing us on to victory or was I the one on the ship lighting the detonator??

I quickly started to see that I was always wrapped up in ME, no matter how much I did for him, it was still always about me, because lets be honest .. we do these things with at least a small hope that it's returned... The whole time we are over giving and over analyzing we are not understanding that we have forgotten the one thing that matters... and that is that we are on this ship together, shipmates... If this ship takes on water we're both going down, so we can either work it together as equals or say our goodbyes now.
Once this hit me... everything else started to fall into place.

As women we become so wrapped up in our suspicions because of our pride, we refuse to get hurt, if we can stop it before it happens we're going to do it... Which is why we ask so many questions. Men you have to understand this is not an insecurity thing, this is not even an accusation against you, this is a survival technique we have, Kill or be Killed metality. We need to know if this is taking on water and you've given up because if so we need to access if its time to jump ship.

I am a firm believer in faith... I do not walk by sight but only by faith...
We are only human and can only control what is within our power to.

I hate to be this blunt but if our partner is cheating, there is nothing you can do to keep them from doing so... no matter what they may say.. "If you woulda this if you woulda that" NEGATIVE there is no way to keep someone from doing something... That is the power of free will... We control what we do with that destiny that has been set, we can either sail the waters that have been calmed for us or we can choose to travel the choppy waters, but we can control how we handle it...

I finally came to realize that I was so wrapped up in not trusting him and worrying about every move he made I was making myself miserable... and with that I said...
God... I followed where you led me... and here I am... FIX IT!
I stopped worrying about trusting my partner... and started trusting in my Captain..

WHY AM I RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO STOP SITUATIONS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER?!
Only God has the power to fix what I can't.. I had to stop feeling like I needed to trust the person I was in the relationship with.... because that was getting me nowhere, they are only human and mistakes will be made. But God makes no mistakes, once I started trusting in HIS LOVE, I found that happiness I was searching for, for so long, and I found it in everything I did.

I finally uncovered that Trust that had been gone for so long..

Time's will get rough, love is not easy... but remember ...

" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, It is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

At the end of the day only the two of you are in this together, not he she or they.. just you and only you can make or break the tie that binds...


-D