Granting Grandma's Final Wishes

I come to you with all that I am, in order to pour out my heart and down on my knees to beg for any assistance anyone may be able to give.
My Grandmother was diagnosed with Malignant Metastatic Cancer on February 9th and in just 10 days she only has a short time left.  Looking back on my life with her I can’t imagine how someone who has lived such a long life would wake up one day with such an awful disgusting disease. She’s fought heart issues, strokes, not to mention a life that was not easy. The woman bared 5 children and has outlived all but two. Her lineage is extraordinary going all the way down to Great great grandchildren. She took in anything that walked past her door, be it a stray animal or a lost soul with no questions asked, and nothing in return. She took the path that Jesus did, her grace and mercy were nothing short of what he taught her, and while I almost never agreed with these decisions she did it anyway. You see she took me in when I was just 6 months old and raised me as a daughter, not a grandchild. She’s the only thing in this world that matters anything to me and it kills me to think I can’t do ONE thing for her after she’s served her life for others.

I am here to ask for your Grace and mercy, to donate what you can be it a dollar, or more… or simply spreading the word for me. Our family would appreciate this more than you know. I will say Thank You in advance and may God bless you and your family.


To Donate just click here. Anyone with paypal account can donate through this site, if you do not have a paypal account you can also donate to the

Varela Memorial Services (checks also payable to)
Through Bank of America
Account # 325010080452

-Di

I Am The City On A Hill...

This will be the realest thing I ever wrote...

For those of you who follow me on twitter or instagram, and the select few on facebook, you will have seen that things have definitely done a 180 in the last few months for me.

I went through life with such a hard exterior, one so hard that the person inside was barred from coming out. I was unable to be the person I wanted to be, because I was occupied being the person I had to be in order to survive. Meanwhile Here I am stifling the person I am inside, it felt as if I was suffocating almost. The outside of me could not stand the cheerfulness and mushy lovey ways people would be, or their way over dramatic excitement for the smallest things. I always thought, don't these people know there's more to life than what they're all excited about?? While I wouldn't judge, my opinions of things were far from what anyone else thought.  While I'd have my moments, read my bible and speak about God, I always felt like some part of me was still lingering... Still trying to hold on to the survival skills I felt I needed...  I look back and see myself just as the way I was, Everything I already knew, just trying to break the habit but unable to.  And then One Night....

I heard him speak, there was no loud deep voice from above, it was from within. It eased my mind and soothed my soul... He gave me unquestioned answers, my soul did what felt like 360s in excitement, something I wasn't understanding, but I knew something was changing.  People are told all kinds of stories of how God works, or they have all of these ideas about pastors and how the people of God come to be. Many think you get this calling and its smooth sailing, some think that people are just born into families and that's what the entire family does, that they all come from the perfect middle America type families... Well I am here to tell you a very different accounting of this.

I was raised with God in my home, his words read to me every day and night, taught the same bedtime prayers every kid is taught and our family was very far from perfect. As we know by now My mother was nonexistent unless she needed something from us, a father who was an awful human being, an uncle who was almost killed by his wife and is now mentally disabled because of her. My life was anything but perfect growing up, I battled drug addicts, thieves, criminals and death every day, be it mine or my family's but I always knew that God was there, and wondering how much longer he would let it all go on for, and I sat down one night and I couldn't even think and I did what I always did when I felt this way, I opened the bible to a random page and found Job 36:21

Be on guard! Turn back from evil,
    for God sent this suffering
    to keep you from a life of evil.

He answered the question I had yet to ask, I couldn't even get the words or the thoughts out but he heard my heart. I became closer to him that day.

I made decisions based on what I thought he'd given me and I stuck to them the best way I could, they took me through times that were not some of my easiest but I did in fact learn a lot on the way. I was able to recognize he opened the doors, I just had to learn when it was time to shut them.

I finally learned that surrendering and forgiveness took more than just the words, it takes understanding and the ability to be able to make your heart feel it. My grandma always said.. " When you say your prayers ask Jesus to come into your heart" Well I mean I knew what it meant, but until now I didn't really grasp the concept she was trying to teach me. Truth be told it can't be taught, it can't be forced, the word is spoken and you have to make the choice to receive it. The moment I made the choice I realized life had just begun. 

Although I started the journey years ago, as a child even... It was recently that the easy road started presenting obstacles. I knew that when I made the choice to fully devote my life to God that I'd be attacked from all angles, I just never really expected them to be so subtle. It's taken great concentration to recognize it, but once I did I felt like I was constantly watching a fly waiting for it to land, always looking over my shoulder... I quickly began to realize, that I was allowing Satan to command me without even knowing it. The Road wasn't easy, I still have so much to experience. The one thing about this journey is that with every step God teaches me something, and gives me something new that he specifically left out.  I feel a peace that is calming and a calling that I can no longer silence. His voice speaks louder than any words can, and his presence is beyond amazing, it is magnificent. 

Finally Freed

As long as I can remember, Grandma has always been my saving grace... Because of her I had a life, a childhood...  Because of her I know what my future will be. When nobody wanted me, she did, when I felt like I was no one, she made me someone....
And now I feel the tables have turned....

I have been waiting for the perfect time to tell my story, I figured it would be best for the book, I mean, they say that's where you pull people in... Mass production and $$$$ but today, I knew... Today was the day... No money, no oooh ahhh shock value... This is meant to shed some light on things in hopes that it allows...

In my last post I asked... How do you give the information without making it sound like some kind of movie... It didn't dawn on me then but now is the time....
I've always lived this life with questions and expectations even as a child, always feeling like there was something more, more than me.
When I was five years old, my Grandma and I were going through old pictures... There was a picture of my Mother, she was about Twenty-Four years old and my Grandma started to tell me about my conception... I know, I know... Odd that my Grandma would know that and share it with me at such a young age... Except it's not what you think...
When my mother was young she was born without the shut off from her bladder to her urethra, which meant that she would need to wear a urine bag her entire life. Along with this, she was also born without a uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries, with no chance to ever have children.
My Grandma was distraught, questioning how a child can be born this way...  My Aunt who was heavily into church told my Grandma to go to church and have her prayed for, except that at this time Grandma wasn't as into church as she is now so this wasn't a instant reaction for her.  She prayed, knelt down by her bed and prayed, prayed for Jesus to heal her baby girl, and that night my mother came in and told her she needed to use the restroom...

Grandma took her straight to the doctor and sure enough her bladder was normal, she had taken nothing for this, no surgeries were done, it was just healed, with no explanation from the doctors. While this was now in tact, her reproductive organs were not. It wasn't until 42 weeks before my birth that she would find out that she was no longer baron.

 From the few people who know this about me, know that I tend to keep this to myself unless it needs to be known, I tend to get weird looks (as if I had anything to do with it) a multitude of questions, accusations against it... I'm sure you can imagine... However, the one reason why I don't tend to say anything is because I tend to get some who use the word miracle and take it way too far...
I am here to tell you that YES I am a miracle, I don't deny the power he has to change things miraculously in the blink of an eye, the issue I have is trying to make people understand that I am nothing more than a product of his grace and power, an example, someone to share his glory and to bare witness to this.

For the last 20 years, I haven't had a relationship with my mother because, she isn't the woman God created, she's distorted by years of drug use and bad decisions, with no responsibility for her actions... In recent years I tried to make amends with her, to reconcile. I have forgiven her actions against me, however the love that a daughter should have for her mother is long gone. I started noticing the actions, mannerisms, the way she would speak, it wasn't normal, people just don't act the way she does...
It was recently I started noticing an odd pattern with her, the last year, the times I would visit my Grandma, the feeling I get there is very unwelcoming, if i weren't a strong person by nature it probably would have really scared me...
I could never understand what I did, as a child what was it about me that she didn't want me... She gave me over to my Grandma when I was just 6 months old, my Grandfather asked for her to leave me with Grandma so that she could have a chance to change her life, she did without any hesitation. As I grew up, even though she would be around from time to time, it was like she was forced to spend time with me, felt nothing like a mother and child bond.
It wasn't until recently that I finally understood...

For years I prayed for God to make Grandma move with me up North, and one day... Grandma's water well went dry, and after estimates and information,  it looked like drilling a new well was not an option, and practically financially impossible. God Finally set it in motion.... I just had to wait out the winter for the water to completely run dry and she would be here.
On Sunday I get a call from my Grandfather, just so that he could tell me that he sent her the money to drill deeper... It was like everything God had granted was just ripped out from under me. I immediately felt Satan all around it. My "Mother" called my Grandfather and said everything she could to make him feel guilty enough to pay for a new well.
I felt lost, empty and defeated until tonight.

Everything, every last question, I have an answer... While for so long I thought I had one, it was merely one answer leading me to THE answer...

I have spent the last twenty years with a feeling of anger and resentment consuming me, not able to forgive... Forgiveness... The one thing left that would keep me out of Heaven...

Could it have been Satan all along? Could he have been the one who made her baron, simply because he knew she would give birth to me? Is this why she is the way she is towards my Grandmother, because my Grandmother is the one who instilled God into my life?
I could never understand why she treated me the way she did, why she was always so against me...
Until tonight.

For the first time in my life, I could hear the fear in my Grandma's voice. She has always been my guarantee, my way of knowing that Heaven is real and how I know that paths are set. But tonight, it wasn't until I heard the fear in her voice that I knew how real everything really was. I know Heaven is real, I know Satan is more real now than he has ever been and in that moment I became safe. I knew then that Jesus saved me simply by having me tell my Grandmother this exact same thing. She cried, not because she was afraid any longer but because she knew that she was safe and that He has not left her and that she now knows what she needs to do to make sure she's as close to Jesus as she's ever been...

I never thought that I would be saving her. And Never would I think that I would be sitting here praying for my Mother to be saved. But I Am...

Having a relationship that I've had with Jesus for as long as I've had, I didn't think anything would surprise me because I believe in everything that he is, yet he continues to amaze me with how he works in me.
Just as with Jesus, Satan's objectives and the power he has is just as real, the weak and the strong would waver in the presence of this, but my faith is everlasting and know my place among the father in his Kingdom.

I've made this sound like another epic storyline, except for the fact that this isn't a "What's going to happen"  This is my testimonial as to what has already happened ...

If you have ever once spoken to me then you know, that my faith in God is as strong as it can be, that I can attest to his miracles and his blessings; If you haven't ever spoke to me, I ask you not to believe me, but to seek him out and he will show you your own blessings...

'Walk by Faith, Not by Sight"

 

Message In A Scroll

How do you tell a person that the world is about to change in the blink of an eye and that all of the things to follow for Earth are nothing but destruction, pain and suffering, all to end with a battle of souls between God and Satan and that for God's chosen people it all ends with a "Happily Every After" and not make it sound like some off the wall Motion Picture and crazy?

Maybe there isn't a way... Maybe people are just set in a way so much that we've stopped believing in things that happen simply because they can.

I have spent my last 29 years searching for a purpose, trying to understand my reason for being here... I'm sure we all have felt this, or questioned it... It's beyond that for me. It's like I have this ticking clock I go by, that's been slowing, inching closer and closer to a complete stop... While women are worrying about a biological clock ticking down their fertile years... I am awaiting for a wonderful beginning, my destiny.

Until this week, I have always been fascinated by the Bible and the prophecies it holds, so much that I can dive right into it and just read for hours... This week that changed. I have thought myself a lot of things, I believed at one time I was psychic ( I was a child) I believed I was a miracle (I am) and I believed that I was just another sinner.... This week I realized that I am not just any of those things but that I have been called by him because I'm a sinner, because I am his miracle and because I am his messenger, one of many...

I come to you as someone who some of you know personally, as someone who you occasionally read, as someone who believes in allowing a person their freedom of opinion.

News hit this week that Israel had been hit with rockets from Palestine and instantly in the blink of an eye my vision has changed..

Luke 21:19-22 

In your patience possess ye your souls.And when ye shall see Jerusalem compassed with armies, then know that the desolation thereof is nigh.Then let them which are in Judaea flee to the mountains; and let them which are in the midst of it depart out; and let not them that are in the countries enter thereinto. For these be the days of vengeance, that all things which are written may be fulfilled.

Now anyone can sit here and recite verses with syntax and prove their points... the difference is... Its not my point I'm proving...

I've had dreams my entire life that never made sense but scared me to death, I'm always left trying to make sense of them. A week before the earthquake and Tsunami in Japan, I had a dream that I was in Hawaii and suddenly waters started to rise and we were being evacuated from a building which led me to a dark parking lot where there was a black and white cat that continuously kept repeating something but I couldn't hear it, I then saw this cat again under a blanket peeking out repeating Armageddon over and over.... The day of the Tsunami I was set to go to Santa Monica to meet with a friend... Never did I imagine that the cat in my dream would be in her kitchen peeking out from the same blanket...

January 2011, news  broke that everyone's existence would change from that moment on and nobody is who they think they are, because there was now a 13th constellation has entered the Sun and Earth's orbit... This 13th sign is named Ophiuchus ... If you see the placement of the sign and read into the mythological stories behind each constellation, it sits between Orion and the scorpion, to which Ophiuchus is believed to give life back to the dead...

Luke 21:25

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring;

You see... This week life has changed for me, My clock has stopped ticking and the calling is loud and clear. I have taken many roads towards my spiritual baptism, roads I'm terrified to remember but those roads led me to his Grace and Salvation, and I stand here in complete anointing and obedience.  I have never felt his love the way I did yesterday... To be honest the service was a tad bit boring, its not what I'm used to, nor what my church usually puts out, but during worship and all through it I felt his arms around me, and his love rush over me leaving my heart light and with a purpose.


I know there will be skeptics, his plan would not work with out them, I would have no purpose without them. I am here to stand before you to tell you that we are in the time of his return. The seven churches are being warned, his Bride is being prepared.

Revelations21:12

And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel

12-21-12

The Twelve  tribes of Israel  are speaking, and the words are being manipulated into making us believe in a doomsday by an ending calendar. We're prone to seeing the end of things rather than a beginning...

Revelations is the most difficult book in the bible to understand because of its symbolism. For God to speak through John in order to leave a map that would unfold itself will tell you more than anything. 

Genesis begins with the first betrayal with the serpent convincing Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge, it's only fitting that the last book in the bible has been left with symbolism, leaving us to rely on God and his word and to trust in him and that he is leading us to him. 

Pray for your loved ones, get your "house" in order and let Jesus in, because he is truly the only way to  the Fathers Kingdom.

To Be Continued......

God Bless Us All

Sisterly Love...

I've sat here for about a month with this blank sheet open in front of me preparing for my Best Friend's wedding... You see, It was a shock to me when I got the call, and as any Best Friend would be I was a little bit concerned. She's known him a short amount of time, definitely too short for me, but then again... I'm known to endure things for years on end so I guess it was just natural, but for Chas the woman is definitely one with the wind (fitting since she's an Aquarius... -thats an air sign for those who are unaware) ... As she is, so I decided to be as well, when one night her fiance posted their wedding announcement and I about lost my heart knowing that I couldn't be there for her big day. Although she says there will be a larger wedding in a year or so, I know from experience often times that never happens... so I decided to just say forget all of my grown up responsibilities and booked a flight to Florida... And she had no idea...  So here I am a week later with the words I wanted her to hear.

I've always been a big sister to my little brother, who wasn't always around, you see... Or not like normal siblings would be, and I always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister. One day when I was thirteen, this dreadful day in October.. My Physical Education class was changed to 5th period, a class where I knew nobody, in with a bunch of girls I didn't like including Chasity... Now mind you I didn't even know her, but maybe it was just the fact that I was in this class and just assumed the worst about everyone because I couldn't stand anyone else in it. But then... I couldn't tell you what it was or how it happened but I knew I had found my long lost sister. Chasity and I instantly became joined at the hip and we became a family. You may not know this by looking at her, or even talking to her, but she used to be this timid shy young girl who I knew inside was more opinionated than she showed, but she always kept herself very reserved. She wasn't the girl throwing herself at the boys, or trying to fit in with the other girls, Chasity was genuine every last bit of her, and that's one thing that's always been the same with me, if you aren't genuine I want nothing to do with you. She proved me wrong in so many ways, so many I have lost count.

At fourteen, she met a boy who stole her young naive heart, and though I warned her about him, she made her own decisions and though I wish for her sake she never had to go down that path he led her, God gave her the greatest gift someone can ever have... A son, my first Godson and on February 20th at 5:02pm when our eyes locked with him, I knew that no matter what life may throw at her, she was blessed and he is a reminder of that every day.  When I look at him as a soon to be teen, I see the amazing woman she has turned out to be, but more importantly the amazing mother that she is. Although I may have lost faith in my own, they are a reminder to me every day that Great Mothers do exist.

The morning of the 12th of October, I had all of these ideas of how to surprise her, I mean the fact that I was there was probably enough I mean 3,000 miles of travel over night would have probably sufficed, but if you know me, I never do anything minimal. So for weeks she had been texting all day every day, talking about plans, I even went as far as to send her a box with her veil and some gifts to throw her off the scent... You see, Chas has always had a little bit of "blonde on the brain"  so I was relying on this to get this surprise done and sure enough it worked amazingly. So come Friday morning, all of my plans fell apart and chose to go about it in a witty and nonchalant kind of way, by calling her at 4am (Pacific time) never knowing I was in the same time  zone as her, and letting on that I had insomnia and couldnt sleep and figured I'd call her because it was the day before the wedding and I wanted to make sure she was calm ... And I had asked what she was doing, which she tells me she was taking her son to school....  So I very calmly asked her if she could come by her mom's and pick me up, because I was just there by myself.... To express to you the joy my heart felt to have heard the excitement in her voice is near impossible. She was shouting asking her son if he knew, and she just kept repeating "You're lying" over and over...
I am no hugger, and let me tell you I practically despise it, but to hear her frantically knock on the door and fill her in my arms was like .... like... knowing that every decision I've ever questioned was no longer that, it was right, and to have missed this day that would be so important in her life would have been like my Grandmother missing my wedding day... It was important and necessary.

From our planning and prepping to doing her make up the afternoon of the wedding, trying to hold back our happy tears... This day was real and it was a day the two of us deserved after what we've shared with each other... The look in her eyes, the happiness and excitement I knew that it was time, she was really ready to make this decision. As I help her put her veil on, she was calm and settled,  as her best friend this was me giving her away to a new best friend, not one like me, one that will take head of her little family ( or as much as she will allow) one that is binded by the love of God and the state of FL, one that will take care of her in the way I know she deserves.

On a dark cloudy day in Key Largo sound, we hurried to the sound so that we could beat the rain. As I wave her down, I catch the glimpse of her son walking with her arm in arm, with her short vintage style cream dress, hair tussled just so, and rose and lilly bouquet and vivid red platform pump heals ... she meets Erdem infront of family and friends and I cannot keep the emotions in any longer, the rain starts to pour as they say their vows and it could not have been any more beautiful, as if God literally showered us all with his love...   As they are pronounced husband and wife, I can tell you that my heart is whole because my best friend and sister is finally whole.

 Love you more than words can say.... 

 -Buddy Bear

The Moment, You Own It.

           Lose yourself in the music the moment you own it, you better never let it go, you only get one shot......
That line used to mean so much and its amazing how time can change the meanings to things that once were so important. I've come so far in the last 10 years, I've experienced love, I've started the path to reaching my dreams and I've felt heartbreak along the way. I won't ever regret the pain I've endured because though at the time I didn't realize it, it has really opened my eyes and made me realize that I'm a force to be dealt with. Often times we think we're stuck in a rut while trying to achieve our goals, but it takes just ONE person, and often the last person we'd expect to  show you exactly what you achieved and resent you for it.
I struggled with this for years, years that I can't change, not that I would, only to have opened my mind to realize that I was on the path that was eventually leading me exactly where I envisioned.


The last few years have been quite a blur for me, and as someone who needs control of her life, that has probably been the worst feeling known to me ever. The most recent years have really given me time to reflect and make sense of what I couldn't sort out before.
Trying to make sense of what someone SAYS or PORTRAYS from what you really know, that's not the easiest thing to come to terms with. The people you let in are the ones who you hold with the utmost honor, Trust. I am a very open person when it comes to most things, but there are certain things I protect with everything that I am, and that includes people.
For those who haven't had the opportunity to sit down and get to know me, I like to give everyone fair warning... I always have a secret weapon stored away if ever needed, intuition, instinct and the ability to know "Bull Street" when I hear/see it. If you think I believe you're in the car, when I can clearly hear the acoustics of a room around you ... I'm pretty sure I can assess the surroundings...



I  know I'm ready to embrace this adult I've become, I haven't been a child since I was about 12 and I'm not about to turn back now, and those in my life need to have the same frame of mind, because they say, you are the company you keep.




Opportunity comes once in a life time .....

I Am Genna Ayup...

On June 26th, 2012, 27 year old Genna Ayup was brutally murdered by her boyfriend, Ronald James Corbin Jr. After an altercation between the two outside their house, the two went inside and neighbors witnessed the sound of a gunshot...


- He ran to get his gun and shot her in the face. -

This statement was not given by Mr. Corbin Jr. or a neighbor.. This is what the two year old son of the couple witnessed with his own eyes and in his own words, he has been able to describe the whole horrific situation in detail....

I wish I could say that this was the beginning to one of my manuscripts in the works but unfortunately this is not fiction. This is an actual horrific, tragic event that has occurred in Tucson, Arizona.
As of now Mr. Corbin Jr. has not been arrested, questioned nor has he given a statement. He has hired an attorney at this point but again, has NOT been arrested. According to the police, because he is not a flight risk they did not need to arrest him.

A man kills a woman in front of a child and that is not enough reason to bring the man in for questioning!? Where is the practice of justice here? Now, I'm not saying that they arrest him on the spot, but at the very least bring the man down to the station for questioning! Hold him on having a weapon around a child? I'm sure they could have found a reason to bring him to the station AT THE VERY LEAST, and go from there. Our country is so disorganized and unruly that we let people run around with guns without legal consequence, while innocent bystanders suffer the mortal consequences.

I ask you all to stand up! Stand up for a Mother, Stand up for your Sister, Stand up for your Daughter, Stand up for Friend, Stand up for the INNOCENT.  Our laws were written for structure and to bring justice, but are upheld without.

This is a case of unjust protocol, much like Treyvon Martin, Genna is without peace, without resolve. While their son is left to be with Mr. Corbin Jr. his father, while the justice system works through its procedures.  Domestic Violence has increased and will continue to increase rapidly if we allow these things to continue. This woman didnt end up with some broken bones, a black eye, burns... Her life was taken away from her in an instant, a mother has been taken away from her son by the person he lays next to at night, and who is left to help him?  Be that person.

I have attached a link below. Please I urge you to share this and re-post it everywhere you can... Please spread the word. Assure everyone this is not a scam, nobody is asking for money or donations, just your support. Genna is my dear friend's cousin and their family is devastated by not only this tragedy but the manner in which it's being handled. I want to thank you all in advance. -D

I AM GENNA AYUP - JUSTICE FOR GENNA (petition)

*UPDATE* Mr. Corbin was Arrested on One count of Manslaughter today... ONE COUNT OF MANSLAUGHTER!  Was later released on his own recognizance until his hearing on August 23rd, 2012, where he will roam the streets as a free citizen. My hope is that the release is to allow the District Attorney and the Tucson Police Department enough time to get the evidence and facts together to up the charges, because Manslaughter is definitely NOT the correct charge, nor the only.

Please continue to spread the word, I want to thank my followers for spreading the word before I really released this blog, Please continue to do so! Justice For Genna!





UPDATE:
Since the posting of this article, the charges have been dropped against Mr. Corbin. Many have their theories on the reasons for this and as you can imagine the family is outraged. I however believe a different scenario, which is more beneficial to the family, which we will leave out because if I'm correct, I wouldn't want what my theory is, to compromise the judgement of this case. To sum it up, He knows what he did, the family knows and Genna knows what he's done and regardless of the outcome he is going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, and though outsiders may not see this, its going to eat away at him whether or not he shows it is another story, but this is his internal struggle he will have to deal with for eternity. I do not believe the City of Tucson has given up, I just don't. I have faith in all that there is and believe there is something larger at work here.

The petition has been updated so if you haven't signed it please do!