Orchestrating The Melody

While in my latest  moments of solitude and time away I've had time to reflect... Just when I figure it all out and settle into what feels like a normal contentment, The Walls Close IN.
We've all been there, when one thing happens, it triggers an avalanche of events and the never ending question, "What else could possibly go wrong?".  It wasn't until last night's moments of disgust that I finally found some clarity.

We will be brutally honest here, because I have nothing to hide; Because how can I inspire anything if I were to leave questions? More so, I have always believed that "The Early Bird Gets The Worm" and in this case this dove is officially spreading her wings.

I learned something from my Grandmother a long time ago, To love with my whole heart and to give myself fully in anything that matters to me. I also learned from my Grandfather, not to "Bite The Hand That Feeds You"  and if they do, BITE BACK.

My Grandparents are complete and polar opposites from each other. My Grandfather, Strong, Makes choices based on emotion but level headed, has a strength in his demeanor.  My Grandmother, Caring, loving, would give the shirt off of her back and shoes off of her feet if simply asked, stubborn. It's funny, as long as I studied astrology, a Pisces and Leo were never meant to get a long, yet they married and My Grandmother is my Best Friend. I have invested in what they raised me with and became my own, doing everything I could to be sure I was the one they could be proud of. The one and only child that isn't still living at home for one reason or another, being the one who is employed, the one child who made something of their life, but most importantly the one child that at the very least they knew loved them for no reason other than just because I do.

I took everything they gave me and created the person you read before you.

In the near future you will read stories based loosely upon my life, others based on experiences I've witnessed, and wherever I choose to let my imagination take you, but before the fiction I want to let everyone in on who the conductor is.

I've dedicated my life to my Grandma, she gave hers for me, its what I've always known I wanted to do.
She and I have always had a certain language we speak to each other, one that only two people with our special bond would understand. In our household we grew up with powerful lungs and knew how to use them. It's how we got things done. Did we yell at each other? Most on the outside think that, but most didn't live with us or even understand us. A strong woman, A strong man raising a strong woman and two others who were unable to help themselves, strong voices held strong conversations.
It was something that My Grandma always said to me that made me understand outsiders, "Honey you know I love you, you speak my language and understand me like nobody else can, and nobody will ever understand us the way we do." I think of this when I hear people who feel they're entitled to an opinion speak about  us yet not to us. My Grandma comes from another time, from another place. Born in 1922 to a Father who loved her dearly and a Mother who ignored her and yelled at her anytime she got the chance, My Grandma was raised in what she calls  "The Sticks" and in the sticks people lived very differently than we do now. Her way of life was instilled in me from the moment she made my crib out of a dresser drawer.

Often I'm told that I have such a maternal instinct, or that I'm "such a grandma" and old soul, many would think that I would take these statements as insults, but they are probably the best compliments that I have ever been paid, because it means that my Grandma will always live in me as she should.

My heart became whole not at birth but at the moment she held me in her arms. At that moment her love became my own, I will always fight to be sure that she is taken care of and that she has everything she deserves, and if I lose relationships along the way because someone does not understand, so be it. My responsibility is to her First and foremost, and as my military Grandfather taught me, with every win will come at a cost, and when it comes to her I will lose everyone if it means I have My Everything.

Some think that it takes a lot out of a person to take care of the elderly, except that the only thing it really takes is love, and when she says "Your love keeps me alive" to me, I know that not only are our voices strong, so is our love.

*Dedicated to the only Mother I've ever truly known, to the woman who has held my hand through every horrific moment in my life, who cried with me and wiped my tears when I couldn't handle the pain. You are the reason I strive to be the person I am, the reason I want to wake up every morning, the one person who taught me how to love. I promised to give you the love you never had,  to give the love you've given me. You have always been the Golden to this Girl. I love you more than life itself, and I thank God every night that he gave me to you so that you could bring me to him. I love you, I love you, I love you.  

- Your little Mexican Girl

Interlude...

She lays silently with nothing but the thought of what seems like a dream as the lucidity sets in she's unable to see the line between realms.
He speaks to her in volumes unknown to him, but his voice plays every string to her heart, put life into what was beatless, brought her back to life.

His words speak to her subconscious laying out her every fantasy, not in what she feels in the physical, but what her heart feels. She feels the words calm her nerves, though he's honest she can see the small piece he still hides; The piece he keeps for himself that she knows he wants to share.

His heart strings were loose, she's not deaf to the tune... His pitch is perfect as his soul sings the Melody, no sign of any auto-tune. Sincerity and strength in the pain he's felt, as she synthesizes with his beat she hears the cadence as it slowly begins to march to his bass.

Moving slowly she imagines the moment everything will change, he's reserved in his appearance yet moves with confidence. Her eyes meet his gaze and its as if he hears her thoughts, he realizes she holds a certain strength, a certain mystery that he's yet to find. He's turns away to clear his thoughts and turns to her and wonders ... Could she be the one he's waited for...

He looks back and she's nowhere in sight ... She's awaken from the night...

Proof Of Claim

I was once told, that by being the designated driver for my friends who drink was enabling them...
Had I taken that into consideration, not only could my friends be gone, but so could others... innocent lives...

I don't take anything I do lightly... Which to some people it looks as if I'm too serious, but to those who have taken the time to get to know me, understand that my passion runs deep... They also know what a zest for life I have, that I can make a good thing out of any situation should I choose to. .......

I'm going to stop there... And start by saying that, Ive always been an emotional person, I used to base it on the fact that I'm a Pisces ... which I mean could still be true... But, in some of the most darkest or happiest times, I find that he blesses me with tears so that I can feel his love, whether I need it to remind me, I can call on him or to remind me of the blessings he's given me.

I knew when I started this road, I knew that I would have opposition, I knew that my life would change... Though it may seem difficult at first, though it may seem absurd as to how I will be treated, I understand.

I'm a different kind of "Christian" that you may have found... I'm not judgmental, or at least I try really hard not to be, I don't feel like I'm perfect although I will try to live in his perfect likeness...

I have been told that I've always been different, that because I have seen the good and bad sides of faith that it helps me identify with others... Or maybe its just the fact that while I've always had my faith I know that regardless you can still experience the bad side.... I'm realistic, while I understand that there are guidelines to be followed, I know that I was born a sinner, I know that because I was born a sinner I will die one, the difference is when I leave this earth I will have been forgiven, because I have given my heart over to Jesus, not because I let him in my life, but because I realized it was never my life to make that choice.
I am here because of him, I have a place in Heaven because of him, I know that he died, rose and will rise again because of our flaws as sinners... But what I live by is the fact that by knowing his heart, I know my own.
I know that to sin on purpose cannot be forgiven, because it becomes a recurring circle... If you think he doesn't know your every thought before you think it, what's in your heart, I would hope you would reconsider that thought. Words are only sounds until there is meaning behind them, a prayer, and prayers of forgiveness can be nothing more than wishes, or dreams with no destinations unless there is true meaning behind them.

I have never claimed to be anything other than me, I am human, I have views, and opinions, ones that are not always going to be agreed upon, which is fine by me. I do not expect to be looked at as an idol, as a saint, as godly as any of the things that people place as objects to be worshiped, because God says "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me."
He has sent his children to spread his word, not to be worshiped. I'm fulfilled by his love and just like with any relationship, I like to shout it from the rooftops.

I will always admit my wrongs, I will always admit to my sin, because as I've said before it is my sin to bare, I repeat MY SIN to bare, and not for anyone else to judge me on them. I have tattoos (which is probably my most difficult to get away from) I've lied and I'm ashamed, I lust after men, though I don't act on it, it does not mean that my heart has not felt it; I've had hate in my heart... I've yet to meet a person who hasn't to which by the Bible's standards, you've already created murder [of the heart], look back at your life and your choices and tell me you're without sin. It's okay, I'll wait....

I have only one to answer to, and it isn't anyone of this Earth or this life, he is beyond that. From my interactions with him lately, he still seems to put me where he wants me, so I guess I'm doing just fine...

_________________________________________________________________

There's the line, feel free to throw your stones...

"If God is with me, then who can stand against me..."

Make Me Proud...

I am no better than the next, but I do have morals, I do have views, and I do have opinions...
But Never have I considered them to be anything MORE THAN THAT.
A friend of mine felt that something I had to say was a judgment to which I highly disagree... But its eye opening to see how some view another's view...

I'm not a feminist, I just believe that I am no less than another, and that women have fought hard to earn our place amongst men in "Their world" .

As a young girl I would hear the stories my Grandma would tell, and it always amazed me to think that not everyone was an equal... I cannot imagine what it would have been like to live in a time where women were not equal, where a wife had no choice but to be submissive to her husband regardless of their actions. It boggles my mind to think that, this way of life is still true in some parts of the world. We won the rights to say whatever and be whoever we want, even if it may not be to everyone's liking.

I've always said I would have loved growing up in the 1950's with the same rights we have now... That was a time where marriage meant something, where values prevailed over privilege. When a woman was respected as not an object but a human being, even if it wasn't in a corporate setting. Now was it always this way, I'm sure it wasn't, but even when it wasn't, this wasn't something that was promoted as a respectable way of life.

I watch television and I see young girls getting pregnant being promoted, I see sex before marriage promoted as a way to pass time and be popular... That degrading yourself sexually is ok...

Yes I was raised with Morals and Values and yes it does upset me when I see young girls feeding into the idea that it's alright to be treated this way, and young men seeing that it's alright to treat them that way.

I have a friend who, while she loves her boyfriend very much, she refuses to move in with him before they're married... I know its an ancient way of thinking, and I have to say that I feel living with someone at least a little while before marriage is a good idea, just so you truly know what you're getting into... You can live with someone and not have sex .. so living that way isn't a huge deal to me, but I love the fact she believes in her values enough to stand up for them. Where did all of these people go??!

It's not alright to talk about money, but its alright to talk about your sexual acts and partners??

I can't imagine the world the way it's becoming, Yes we're free, but free to do what? Call it a judgment, call it an informed opinion, but yes I believe that values and morals should have a place in this society, and its heart breaking that it isn't that way. To think that I must settle for these things as a part of my life... Am I in the wrong to be offended by my husband objectifying other women... Love and Hip hop says if you love your man, you're willing to accept his indiscretions. Am I wrong for telling my children that it is NOT alright to have sex before marriage, that having a child at 16 isn't the ideal lifestyle... When did the right thing become the wrong...

I will never apologize for the values my Grandmother instilled in me, I will never apologize for my faith... And I will never be less than what I know I am.
I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to feel like that love is genuine. I am more than a body and a face... The makeup doesn't make me although I love it... I'm intelligent, I tend to have a sense of humor, I'm eclectic, cultured... Most importantly I'm loving and I care ... I was once told that the one thing this person loved about me was that I cared so much, but in the same sentence was told sometimes they wished I didn't care so much... That's just me... I'm a passionate person, and yes I wear my heart on my sleeve and again I will never live as if that is a negative trait. Love me or hate me, its your choice, but this is me, and at the end of the day, through the life I've lived and everything I've accomplished I'm proud of myself because I deserve to be... I've made it to where I am because of the values I have... And every accomplishment, every let down, every decision I've made, I became what everyone told me was impossible... I did NOT follow in my "Mother's" footsteps like everyone said I would... I can look back and say ... I'm most proud that My Grandparents have someone to be proud of, and that they approve.... There is nothing in this world that solidifies my decisions more than that.

Renegade

I'm funny when I choose to be... I don't mind a debate here and there but it seems as though, these two things have been seen as invitations for those who don't understand, that it's become for their amusement and not mine.

I've gone through a lot in my life, and it's so interesting to me how much my view of life and events have changed. Though many may not like it, it is what it is.

In my life I've been many of things, some I'm proud of and some I'm undecided on, but I know who I want to be and it seems as though it may not be the same as what others want me to be. Well I guess the good thing is, that I've always been one to go against the grain and be different, with my morals, caring heart and common sense.

I've never been one to appease someone else just because it was easy, But I have been one to watch my manners, something my Grandma taught me. I have a strong mind and strong opinions, which I now know that there may have been times I should have kept some of them to myself, and if at any time I didn't and offended anyone, I would hope that you know it was not my intention and if I did I am sincerely sorry...

One night my Grandmother had told me about how she had stopped smoking... She had gone to church one day and the pastor had started a prayer and had asked the congregation what they wanted him to pray for, I thought to my self it was like a dj at a club or something... Instead, my Grandma had prayed for the Lord to help her quit smoking... She walked out of the church and started to light a cigarette, and said she heard a voice that said "PUT IT OUT" And she never had another cigarette again in her life....
She had told me when I find God, REALLY allow him in, things are going to change... I did not want to hear any of that, because I figured I was already good the way I was and handling things just fine... I was also 16 years old.

I see things in a way that offends me rather than anyone else, and because of that I now understand where Grandma was coming from. He's not only opened but warmed my heart, there's no way to ignore it, not that I want to but even if I did, its as if it's the only thing I find impossible. I spoke to 2 young girls (kids of a friend of mine) last night; We spoke about the Bible, they had all of these questions and all I could think to myself was, "I remember this" It was like it was my Grandma, Grandma Pearl and I, the 3 of us sitting asking these same questions, asking if its alright to pray about tether ball game...

How can innocence be so lost? How can you find something you never even realized was gone?

I've gone through so many emotions in this time in my life, which for the most part have been very comforting and I don't how else to say it other than I've Changed...
For the most part I'm the same person I've always been but my heart has changed. I've never been a push over and that will not change, if anything that's a stronger, and I would choose no differently. I would hope that people would take notice and understand that I am who I am, the only way that is changing is if God chooses, but for right now I am who he wants me to be and I like it. My life has never been more fulfilling with a simple opening of my eyes in the morning, and the deep breaths he allows me to take. I never really knew how something as simple as feeling comfortable could be one of the best feelings in the world.

This may not make me some individuals favorite person, but I'm alright with that. I learned years ago that regardless of how someone else sees me, I am the one who owns the power, and a little confession... I do crave power a tad bit. So think of me what you will... It doesn't change who I am.

Conditionally Unconditional

There are 2 sayings / phrases that always stick with us...

" Forgive and Forget " and " Unconditional Love"

We tend to stick to things and take them with us through life and these two sayings always seem to be the ones that we allow to influence us in a way that our lives almost revolve around them.

I have found that we assume our position and force ourselves to live by this without ever truly defining what it means and what the extent of that definition holds...

I am a firm believer in forgiveness, and many think that you must forget if you forgive or that if you kick someone out of your life it means you didn't really forgive?? Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment, and the pain that was brought against you. Just because you forgive doesn't mean that it changes the person who had ill will against you, it means that you have to let go of what pains you, what keeps you up at night... You are the only one harboring that pain, because you were the one who cared enough for it to effect you, they never did and the pain you felt wasn't shared. Why are you going to live with that when they don't? Forgiveness is for your soul, not theirs, do not continue to let them effect you for the rest of your life.

I have long felt that Unconditional Love was mandatory for a working relationship, all to find out that there was one fine line I missed...

Assuming that you would do anything for the one you love or more importantly assuming the one you love should do anything for you is such an undefined way of viewing this...

They never talk about the conditions that come with that, they never talk about the reality of "Unconditional Love"... So let's talk about it...

Many times you have seen me write that Love Trust and Respect is all your loved one owes you and this is where we begin...

As women we may expect a lot and have our "Mr. Perfect" that's hard to get rid of, but this shouldn't confuse anyone or be mistaken for being high maintenance, or wanting to be RIGHT all of the time, or anything other than what it really is... The 3 factors that keep that Love alive.

Choosing to understand your loved one even if you don't always get it, choosing to see the pain in their eyes, the hurt that bleeds through their soul, to sit and hold their hand when they're in desperation...

Put everything else out of your mind and allow your heart to feel for them, you may learn something in the process about yourself. If they mean what you say, show them... Words are only so effective, certain words need actions to show the worth behind them.

Love is an emotion that only the heart truly understands and when the mind only has certain information to go off of, our minds are at the mercy of our hearts.
Something to think about... The Heart can still beat without brain activity, and the mind is still operating far after the heart stops beating.
Every interaction you make is made by a partnership, nothing works alone, nobody and nothing is truly independent in the way we tend to believe.
The Mind needs all facts presented before it in ordered to let the heart make an informed decision. Why is it so difficult for questions to be presented and answers given?

When operating by your heart alone you lose sight of the purpose and the journey along your path... Moving along but never understanding the road traveled. Imagine living with only your mind and without a heart to allow you to feel the things that you're mind is trying to process... Words are said... Something is happening but your mind can't figure out which part needs to direct it or how... Actions with no rhyme or reason, just empty meaningless sounds, movements, and ideas; Where does that lead? Leading a life by only thought process and without the ability to feel is nothing more than a way to escape from life. Having the ability to block out the heart may seem like the way to protect yourself or the way to move past the things that you think hold you back but in actuality what's happening is nothing... Allowing yourself to feel nothing, allowing yourself to achieve nothing, to appreciate nothing... and in the end Lose everything...

By losing your mind, maybe you'll find your heart.

D

Killing Them Softly...

Please excuse me, I'm in a Random Moment Mode rather than a Random Read Mode ....let me focus...

Becoming an adult takes a lot, it means having responsibilities, relationships, and making decisions and realizing that others are effected in what decisions you make...
Becoming Mature means understanding this.

Everyone thinks that because you become a certain age that emancipates you, that you're an adult... Let me tell you a little something about being an adult...

At 12 years old I was figuring out bills, I no longer had a mother (not that I ever really did) a Father was non existent; I took on the role of a Mother to the person who means the most to me in this world. My grandmother made sure I had a childhood but even with the childhood, I didn't go a second without thinking of her or what she needed, just as any mother would do for her child. Now, this isn't saying anything in regards to the way my Grandmother raised me, only she could have taken my situation and made it what it's become; This is me saying that when you are raised by someone and they are all you have and they are 60 years older than you are, something just happens where the tables switch and a new world of responsibility introduces itself.

I became an adult at 12 years old, and full fledged grown up by 16. Now I may not feel my age but I think it's because I've been an adult for over 16 years now and this is nothing new...
I had been hurt and turned away by so many people in that time that it was like what else could I do but ignore it. I was letting it effect me to the point that it started to consume me until one day I realized that the rage was going to take me to a place that was unfamiliar, and I do not do well with unfamiliar...

Every person whom has ever entered my life unlawfully made it a point that I knew they were there, except for the fact that they never had any explanation as to why... They felt they could just mooch off of my life and I don't know, Live vicariously through me and while they realized what I had and the way I lived was not up to what they pictured for themselves, they did what people only in their positions know how to do... HATE... Defile... Create Situations to feel better about them selves... or the way I like to say it is... THROW A PITY PARTY, invitation for 1 and whomever else they can drag with them.

In my mind I had begun to fall into the trap without even realizing it until I realized I was becoming sick, emotionally drained and I stopped ... I stopped just long enough to say... Nothing.

It was time to starve their attention, time to let them feel the way they kept trying to make me feel, the only way to do it was to beat them to the punch. I took control of myself, made MYSELF realize they were the ones with the issue, it wasn't me...Anything they had to say about me at my worst was still more than what they were doing at their best... So why am I the one that's being effected?? I no longer was...

I learned if you're not with me you're against me and being against me is not worth the time or energy to show you the benefits of being with me... Because clearly you already know them and are intimidated by them so that's obviously not going to work for the situation.

Rage is not your friend, I'm not sure how many understand that but it starts with hate and grows with jealousy ... Which ends up getting you nowhere. I grew up and have 12 years of understanding under my belt, while it's always a learning process, I know enough to take what comes and attempt to understand the situations. The people against you only take you to the place they dwell, which is downhill from where you've been, and already come so far from...

D