Of Purple Hearts and Living Water

This isn't an easy post to write.

Everything I ever knew to be true blew up in my face recently. If I'm going to be completely honest that's how it felt.

I am someone who needs to know "Why" to everything. That annoying kid always asking, why, why, but why.... In order for me to understand how to do something, I need to know why you do it. What's the purpose behind it. In life, I have many more questions than I do answers, and I guess that's the way it's meant to be. I don't go into anything without knowing the answer to my question first. Maybe that's the analytical part of me, but common sense just tells me, if you know all the answers before taking something on, the process will be a breeze...

God doesn't work that way though. I'm finding this out more and more as time moves on. You would think I'd just assume that since he punished all of the Human Race for the fact that Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge when he forbid them. I assume this is why we only use a small percentage of our Brain compared to what it's capable of.  Friends like to at times say they hate that I'm always right about things; I'm a "Know It All" not in the annoying sense where I have to brag about it, I just really enjoy being knowledgeable about anything and everything. This is probably why I have a background in Law, Medical, and Administration, in addition to "Street Smarts" why I know how to "McGeyver" many situations. I like to be prepared in any and all situations I may end up in.

But if I have learned anything recently, it's that I can't prepare for everything.

I've been to what feels like the ends of the Earth the last three years and for some it may bring them to a breaking point, but I just kept going. And then the world fell out from underneath me.

As long as I have lived, as long as I have known about God I have never questioned Him, the existence of Him or His word. It always made sense to me, His purpose made sense, I never had any reason to question. Once I gave my heart to him it was even more apparent. You would think, after the numerous tragedies I've endured before the time I was 16 that I'd have reason to question Him, or a reason to turn from Him, but I never did. And then my Grandpa took his own life.

Being so deeply rooted in my faith I don't take anything as seriously as I do my relationship with God and his word. How does someone who is so "devout" as some would call it, handle a situation like this? Simply put... I didn't, I closed up and shut down.

I all of a sudden had nothing but questions. I had everyone doing their best to be comforting and offer words of encouragement and love but all it did was further confuse me. I went into a deep seclusion, I needed answers, but I needed them from God. While all I could do was question Him, it was Him I knew I needed the answers from. He never left me but there were moments I felt so lost that I was afraid I couldn't hear Him, not that He left me, but just that I had fallen so deep that my capability of hearing Him was a long shot.

The day this all happened, I was talking to someone, one of the only people I felt comfortable enough to talk to about it and she said to me.  "I think you're going to use this to help others, people going through the same thing." It was one of the first things I also thought about, helping those with PTSD, suicidal thoughts, the loved ones who are left behind. But honestly, at this point in my life I've been through what feels like, every known tragedy a person can possibly go through, it's not like I needed something else to add to the list. My solution is always God regardless of any situation, or tragedy so to think I needed something else to go through in order to reach people didn't seem necessary.

As I sat, I thought about everything one would, some of the thoughts cross my mind randomly while others are more persistent. Trying to make sense of something so senseless seems pointless, but I had to do it. I have to have an answer for everything, regardless if I like it or not, I at least need a firm answer.  Figuring out how to deal with something that doesn't have a concrete answer just made the whole thing worse.

Dealing with the loss of the Man who saved my life, add the fact that I have to deal with how I lost him, and now my faith was in a place I never imagined it would be, to say  that I was in uncharted waters was an understatement. If I'm being honest I felt like I was in one of Grandpa's stories from when he would be out on the Sea on his way to Singapore and the waves would hit 50 foot swells. I was drowning. Waves crashing over me to the point that as soon as I try to come up for air I'm pushed back under.

And then one night, I was processing all of the things everyone had said to me. The fact that the ultimate sin is denying God, Jesus, not suicide as the Catholic religion had so many believing. The fact that just four days beforehand I felt this amazing feeling of relief and realizing that God let me know that Grandpa had made his peace with Him. I was on a drive, a long drive and I could hear Him again...

We think that because he's God that He controls everything, simply because He has the power to change things. We blame him for the bad things that happen to us, we ask why... This wasn't what I questioned. I never questioned why he let this happen, I knew he didn't create that. My Grandpa made his choice, I hold him responsible for his choice. My question was how could I believe a man who never cared about God in his entire life unless it meant him winning the lottery, could make it to Heaven on top of the fact of taking his own life. I felt like everything I knew was in question, simply because of his decision.

Satan had crept in, it was like he sat and waited and watched and once he won over the thoughts of my Grandpa he moved in on me immediately. I let him, I let him take over my thoughts, ones that brought me to my own contemplation of suicide. If he can do it and he's okay then I want to be done, I want this to be over I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm tired of being the warrior, the soldier who just continues to fight battles that I didn't ask for.
I don't think people realize just how much of a domino effect suicide can have.

In that moment, I did what I always did when I felt that depressed, when I felt in my darkest, I cried for God to take care of me, to stop the thoughts, to make Satan leave. And it was in that moment I heard Him.

I'm a person who needs all of the answers, someone who has fought battle after battle and think I'm done battling. Someone who thinks that I've been through so much that my testimony at this point could help anyone really since there wasn't anything I felt I couldn't handle, in what I've experienced.

But, how can I speak to people who feel lost, to those who question not just faith but their own if  I never felt that I ever had to? How can I attest to the validity of God, and all that He is if I just always went based on my faith? While we are to believe in our faith and hold strong in it, there are some of us who need a nudge to understand how to hold strong in that faith. And then there are those of us who are called to be his faithful servant beyond all questions and believe in His plan so that we can reveal Him to others.

I didn't know what my purpose was exactly when I chose to follow Jesus. I knew it was meaningful, I could just feel that in the depths of my soul, in the bottom of my heart. I vowed to go where He leads me. I know that He loves me, and I know how much He loves all of His children.
If He believes I'm strong enough to endure the things that feel the worst in order to survive them with His grace so that I can show others his true love and power, his mercy and promises then so be it.


 ***This is to everyone who question, to those who feel like they're at their lowest, to those who feel like they can't carry on. Pull yourself out of the deepest pits of where darkness dwells and let His light carry you on. It's not easy, but His reward for you will be ten fold when He's ready to call your name. Do not be afraid and know that you are loved by the Almighty and that His love will shine in you onto others if you let it.


To those of you reading this who know someone either battling suicide or depression, or someone who has been left behind I encourage you to share this with them. Be open with them, let them know how much they're valued in not just life, but yours as well. Try to understand that the things you think they need to hear may not be, instead ask them what they feel like doing, talking about and let them lead the way. Sometimes just being with a person during a time like this and having no words is exactly what they need.

Don't Forget To Pray XoXo
-D

In The Midst of A Prayer

As I bow my head I begin to ponder...
The way of the world, the issues I face on a daily basis and the turmoil I am in.
My mind begins to thrash around, from one thought to another, and on to another.

I close my eyes, and quietly speak to myself while trying to get my thoughts in order before I say the words I want the Lord to hear.
So overwhelmed by the worry that can overcome my heart, I begin to feel anxious and I can feel my lungs collapsing as my heart begins to pound. Everything becomes cloudy and I can feel the reality of everything beginning to fall a part. At any moment this beautiful and wonderful world that My Creator created could come crashing down on me.

I search the deepest part of me and find nothing. I clutch my fists tighter and tighter in an attempt to hold on to whatever I can even though I feel like it's all slipping away.

With my eyes closed and my head bowed I begin to tell God that I'm sorry for whenever I may have not praised him in the moments I should, when my life is in turmoil. I just find it so difficult to find a reason to, not because he hasn't given me reason to but because I'm so overwhelmed by what Satan has thrown at me, or the fact that I just failed. To praise him at my lowest point just seems counter productive to me, but I do. Eyes closed, head bowed hands clutched together, I do.

Lord,
Forgive me... I've failed you, and because of that I have failed myself. I know that in my darkest moments is the best time to praise you and I failed. I'm lost Lord. I have not lost sight of you, I know only you can bring me out of what I'm in, but I became consumed by my worries and for that Lord, forgive me. I know you will never leave me and I am calling on you Lord to save me from this mess I'm in.

And just like that, I fall to my knees and I bow to him as I can feel his hands around me and healing my wounded heart, my worries have left and in that moment my heart begins to beat at a normal pace, my lungs begin to fill with air, my hands loosen their grip. He speaks to me in the most beautiful voice I've ever heard.

"Your heart speaks for you. I know your cares, your worries, desires, your heart speaks the words you can't seem to form. You don't need to worry,  I will not forsake you, I will never leave you. Never lose your trust in me, know that I am here."

And in the midst of the prayer I felt the spirit of the Lord come over me, and in that I saw his face. It was nothing of what I've imagined. It was the epitome of Love, and in that moment I knew that the Kingdom of the Lord was behind me, and because of that I am not only blessed but victory is coming.

Learning To Love In a World That Only Knows Hate

Who Are You?
When was the last time you looked at yourself and the decisions you make and asked yourself, Who Am I?

Now, don't get me wrong in no way am I saying I'm perfect. As a matter of fact, on a regular basis I look over my thoughts and stances on things and ask myself if they equal up to the person I'm striving to be.

It's no secret that I am a very Unashamed Follower of Jesus Christ. Not only am I a follower of Christ but I am also someone who understands what that means. I know that being a follower of his means also that I am a leader, a leader of his church; as a leader of his church it means leading others to him.
Leaders lead by example. I am not going to ever come close to the greatness that he is, but in my brokenness I can show exactly how much he loves me, and because of his love for me I can show him and others how living LIKE Christ is what not only has changed my life 100% but show who he is in a world full of people who have never met him, or worse, have some misconstrued idea of who he is.

I know many of us would like to believe that we aren't, 'That Christian' I do my best, my very best not to push my beliefs on anyone and keep an open mind when it comes to the differences between myself and others. This does not mean that I don't speak proudly about them.

I choose to let my life speak for me. I try very much not to debate unless its absolutely necessary.
In the times we live in there are many things to have opinions on. As a Christian I have begun to find it very difficult to live in a world who tries to shut me out because I speak the truth of Christ, because I believe in something that the Bible says will be persecuted against. In a country where I am supposed to be free, my 'religious' freedom comes with conditions. Where because I choose to express my difference of opinion on certain topics that popular right now in our country and elsewhere, I am the minority, I am bashed or as people like to label things now I'm 'bullied' because of it. But if you know me, then you know bullying me only gets YOU so far.









I am not quick to judge, oh, at one time yes. A time from before, before he changed my heart. But when he changed my heart my perspective changed. I do not wish death upon anyone. I pray for those who choose to sin against me and those I love. Because I know what it feels like to live in the pain they are, and if you knew that pain you wouldn't wish them anymore.  I see ISIS running around raging a jihad under "God" but this is exactly what tells me they serve the darkness. No true follower of God (this God that is supposed to be the same as ours) wants anyone to suffer, because God doesn't WANT anyone to suffer. Will our God bring his vengeance? Yes when he should see fit, but that is up to you.

As human beings who believe in God, we forget that what we say has a lasting effect, not just on ourselves, or others but on God. Yes he's forgiving, but if we aren't thinking about our words and the meaning behind them, how can we ever feel the remorse we need to in order to repent?

We aren't called to shame others, we aren't called to be superior to others, we are called to show God's grace and mercy to those who probably have no idea who he is in order to show them something they've probably never encountered. You can't call people racist names and find some reason to justify it and then still call yourself a follower of Christ. You don't get to pass judgement upon someone simply because you find some way to justify your intentions. Christ would NEVER do and definitely NOT say the things you've said. So how are you showing others who Christ is if you are knowingly, consciously doing these things?

This isn't a letter to judge anyone, this is something just for us all, including myself to think of on a daily basis. What makes you different from those who don't follow Christ, from ISIS and those you have an opinion on?

It isn't just about  "What Would Jesus Do?" It's What would Jesus want YOU to do.

Open Letter

I've lived a life that is full.  Full of many things, things that I don't think anyone as a child says... I'll just survive and see what happens from there.  You become a certain way based on your circumstances. They mold you, whether you think they will or not.

I've been told I am intimidating, that I am strong, that I am  a *****, that I am assertive  and all of these things that would essentially make a female look empowering. But the truth is, living underneath that exterior is a young girl who wishes that never had to be her stigma.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud that I've overcome many things that were unfortunate in my life, I am happy that it's molded me into a person who can overcome things and can hold my own. But the truth of the matter is, this person you all know, is not the person I am now.

While yes, these attributes haven't left me, they have transformed. I'm sarcastic and like to joke with the best of them but the truth is, I felt like I could still be the same person and not change who I am in order to help reach others and not alienate people. Simply put, I was wrong... well not entirely, but mostly.  You see, I have made choices in my life, and with those choices that young girl who always wanted to have that life she always dreamed of is finally getting to live that.

I want to clear some things up and HOPE that everyone understands this so I won't have to explain it again. I made the choice not to have children YEARS ago, 23 years ago to be exact, and I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason, so if God wanted me to have children of my own then he would find a way to make it happen. I also made the choice not to be married, basically meaning if I never find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I am OKAY with that.  I know its difficult for some to understand but the fact of the matter is, I have found the best love ever known to man, a love that nobody can ever duplicate. One that has made me comfortable in my own skin, one that I never have to question, one that I can trust in with my entire being. A love that has give me true and complete peace. And yes, due to my devout faith this means as long as I'm not married I am celibate. Many think of this is a punishment for lack of a better word. The truth is, I've been down that road and frankly it isn't something worth giving away to anyone who isn't in his own relationship with Christ, and if he is then he can wait.  I didn't make this decision based on past relationships, or because I've been so hurt or anything of that sort. I'm not giving things up because I'm afraid of being hurt again or whatever other reason some may think. It is as simple as I am happy in the relationship I am in with Christ and if that is how I remain forever, I am okay with that. The bible says that not everyone is meant to have a family, that some have a purpose far more than family.
I've always felt life was taking me somewhere other's weren't traveling, so to think that I am one of those who's purpose doesn't involve a family wouldn't be all that surprising ...   I'll accept whatever God's plan is for me even if it isn't what my idea is.

My ideals are not the same as they once were. As much as I want to be able to relate to this world I know that that it is more important that others relate to Christ, and that means if I am meant to lead others to him then that means I have to give up my old way of thinking.  This isn't something difficult to do, actually its more difficult not doing it. Living in this world as a follower of Christ isn't easy. I know what people think of me, I know that because the rest of the world is turning away from him that I seem like the crazy one, I am the one people will shun. But you know what, that's okay. It's not like I didn't know this when I gave my heart to him, I know his words better than I know the words to my favorite songs. The truth is, If I'm going to be persecuted for him I might as well show my entire transformation.

Truth be told, I don't like the same music I used to, and I do like to listen to Christian music more than anything,  and every day he is changing something else about me. I don't find the same things funny, while my heart is softened my it's armor is strong. I am outspoken but it is for Christ now. If you say something that I don't like its not to offend you, its not even personal. I am not judging you, but the action. If you know me at all you know deep down, the reason I say anything to anyone is in the hopes that it helps them in whatever way I can. I will talk about Jesus and I will call him by name every day and most of the day. You have to understand, he lives in me, its difficult not to talk about someone or something that is constant in your life. It is no different than a parent speaking about their children. If I had pictures of what Jesus really looked like or of us out on any day I'd share them constantly. So If I say to you, Please don't use his name in Vain, its not just because, yes, it is offensive to me, but because it is offensive to Him. The little things you do every day that you think really don't matter when it comes to your relationship with him, are the biggest. Would you curse your parent's name who has watched over you your entire life? They aren't just words, they're piercing daggers in his heart. When you don't read your bible, you are directly ignoring him. I hear people say "He doesn't talk to me." all the time, yet they never pick up their Bible.

It was time I stopped ignoring these things, and fearing other's would ignore me and the message God has for me to deliver.

The truth is, the same message I have to give is the same one that has been told for generations. I choose to give it in the purest form I absolutely can.You are free to do what you want with it, but if I don't at least share it, then I am not doing right by God, myself and more so.... YOU.  His spirit lives in me and I'm going to preach it to the masses.  God is as real as you and I and his son Jesus Christ LIVES! Love me or hate me, this is exactly what you will get from me.


God Bless - Don't Forget To Pray

-D

Tim Brown's "The Making Of A Man"- Review

 
As I began reading Heisman Trophy winner, and Raider Legend, Tim Brown’s book "The Making of a Man: How Men and Boys Honor God and Live With Integrity" I was instantly drawn in. I’m ashamed to say but, I’m one of those readers who judge the books by their covers (in the literal sense). For Me, knowing that Tim was writing a book was all I needed to know in order to purchase it, top it off with the fact that he would be doing a speaking engagement at my church, that was a done deal for me. As a Raider fan and even more so a fan of Tim Brown…scratch that, not a fan… a loyal admirer and follower of Tim Brown the Introduction and the first chapter ‘A Man Is Thankful’ I was immediately hooked. To read the details behind his mindset leading up to the Super Bowl was beyond emotional for me.

You see I was about 6 When Tim started playing professional football. The very first Raider memorabilia I had was Tim’s. Grandma and I were in Kmart and she said “ Hey Honey, how would you like this?” A Placard of Tim Brown.
Little did she know… 
 
 As a little girl, football isn’t something you think of being a part of her life but it was for me, and being surrounded by San Francisco fans, the fact that I went against the grain wasn’t a happy moment by the men in my family. Grandma and I were sitting and watching the Raiders play and Tim brought down this catch that just amazed me, Grandma and I did a little touch down dance and celebrated, it was Tim who made me a Raider fan.
Grandma being my strong hold, my anchor to the Lord, as I read Tim’s words I am absolutely beside myself as to the power of God’s plan. How he connects us in so many different ways. I could never pinpoint on why I had such an admiration for Tim, I mean aside from his athletic accomplishments there was something about him that was just ...more.
In his book, he says His wife's is described as having a light about her, and when I read this, it clicked.. That's what it is about him beyond the plays on the football field, his light for the Lord is beyond what his play is, which seems impossible but its true
 
When I had the opportunity to meet him (the first time) at Fred Biletnikoff’s Grid Iron Greats meet and greet before the Golf Tournament he does every year, I remember as my turn was approaching, I was standing there looking at the person in front of me and my knees gave out a little, I had began to feel a little woozy. I walked up and he was so gracious and so sincere as a person I tell you It was as something radiated off of him (that light). He asked how I was and I explained I was feeling as if I were going to pass out and He said “Well lets take our picture first.”   It was so odd to see how human this hero of mine was. The second time I had the opportunity was the very next year at the golf tournament and this time I asked him to sign my arm so I could tattoo it on, I left that very moment and had it put on me for life.  I look back at these moments as I read through "The Making of A Man" it wasn't just a trip down memory lane, it was as if I experienced it all over again for the first time with a new pair of eyes.
I was never into reading Biographies really but Grandma loved them. I wish that she were here to read this with me, I can without a doubt say that it would have been one of her favorites.
 
Tim has done what we all should strive to do, and that is be as honest as possible with our walk with Jesus. Many believe you have to show a certain type of face when talking about Jesus and hide all the things that came before.  When in actuality it is our story that came before our meeting of the Lord that is the one that catches the attention of someone, and the story of God's grace and how we live from that moment on that changes another person's life, the very thing that could lead a doubter to God.
 
Throughout the "The Making Of A Man" Tim relives the most talked about, and the toughest times as a Raider fan that we've experienced (Tuck Rule & the Super Bowl). He does an amazing job of drawing you in and explaining the comparison between his professional, family and spiritual life, which to Tim are all one in the same. Whether you are on the football field or in your every day life, a football fan or just a regular guy, a woman or a man, The Making Of A Man is a book everyone should not just own but keep with them throughout their life.
 
Tim I thank you for what you've given me as a fan, but more so as a follower of Christ.  God's plan for you is going to be beyond glorious, and the way you have honored him is nothing short of Godly.  I truly believe God has that Hall Of Fame moment for you, he's just waiting for the right time for you to have the right story to proclaim him in that Big of a Moment.
 
I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone and everyone who is looking for encouragement, who feel they've failed at something, families, and to be very honest I'd like to see pastors read this book, because I've seen too many pastors preaching the word but not all of the truth and I know that this book will revive that fire under you that God has been trying to give you. 

I could go on and on, page by page with a review because it touched me so deeply but instead I will encourage you to read it for yourself and feel the same inspiration "The Making Of A Man" gave me.

In The Trenches

I missed Church this week...

It was about 6pm and I thought I'd make a phone call and figured I'd be off in 15 minutes or so, in time to leave for church.

The phone call took a turn when Satan tried to intervene and induce anger into the situation. Years before the conversation would have continued with a lot of arguing and insults thrown around.. To the point I ended up cussing (something I'm known for not doing). I had an opportunity here, either do what I'm used to, show her that I have every reason to be angry, use the fact that I'm some sort of authority, that shes nobody to me so what she says doesn't matter... Or...
I can show her Grace.

As we argued I tried to get through but she was getting frustrated and defensive.. Yelling that she was hanging up and I said... "Don't let Satan hang up that phone! Do not give him that power!"

The conversation went on... She was worried about things.. Things she didn't actually need to worry about anyway... But she went on ... And I told her with Jesus there are no worries...

She's always thought she had him in her heart because we were taught to. She asked Why I think she doesn't... I simply said bc if you did, you'd have no worries...
Granted there may be things you think about but you wouldn't be worried about them  because as they appear, you've already trusted Jesus with them and they're his now...

As I explained my year to her as an example, I started to cry uncontrollably. It wasn't intentional, I wasn't emotional ... It just happened. And I said, I've had the worst year I'll ever have in my life and not one day did I worry about what would happen because, I trusted Jesus had a reason and that he wouldn't take me through trials he didn't know HE couldn't handle.

I explained that when he changed my heart he also gave me new eyes... I see situations differently, I see people differently.. I see when he is giving me direct messages... Her response was... "wow".

I explained how this is why I knew she hadn't let him into her heart aside from just wanting him there without giving anything for it... You can see someone's heart for what it is. I believe God gives us this so that we can see the broken... The ones he calls us to, to bring his grace. Like when Jesus sent Ananias to Paul, After all that Paul had done to Christ's followers He sent Ananias to heal Paul's eyes and tell him that Jesus wanted to use him to proclaim that Jesus is in fact the Messiah and what he had done for his sight among other things...

We talked about how its the little things that can determine where your eternity will be spent. How your decision in a moment will set your path and how all you have to do is ask him IN THAT MOMENT to be your eyes, and what he wants you to do.

I had a choice tonight... Go to church or be his church ...
I chose to be his church, I chose Grace over Anger and forgiveness over grudges.
I pray she really takes our conversation and let's Jesus in. That he repairs her heart and gives her new eyes. Because as we approach each new day in this generation its one moment closer  to his return.

D

"Don't Forget To Pray"

Illuminating Grace

I have never been one to hold my tongue.  I am not afraid or ashamed of the truth.

Most know I am a fan of the Book of Revelation, I say fan in the way of, its the book I'm drawn to most in the bible. I have studied this book since I was a child, Grandma and I would sit and she would read the verses and we would discuss the end times, but we would focus on the future, the beginning.

I am very big on the prophecy of the bible. I'm big on Prophecy. As a teen/young adult, I found interest in many things, such as, other religions and how they work, their beliefs, I wanted to understand where others come from. People would be very surprised to learn that ethnicity does not define belief. We've come to believe that here in recent years with the different wars waged against each other. I find that learning about other beliefs keep me educated and tolerant. Not in the sense that I believe what they believe, but I find that if I understand things it allows me not to be judgmental and more loving towards others.
In this I became very curious about skull and cross bones type of things, politics and the way things run. You see anyone who knew me as a teenager wouldn't have believed this but I really love to learn. I'm kind of a "Know It All" not in the sense of the ability to brag, I just like to be well educated on things. I learned that, "The first rule about fight club is that you don't talk about fight club."  While many have their ideas of what the "Skull and Cross Bones" are from the theatrics of Movies and the mainstream media... There are many things you'll never know anything about, and more importantly if they are as powerful as everyone makes them out to be, the things shown are probably very opposite of how things actually are... I mean, I would just assume...

I studied Nostradamus and his quatrains ... Many thought him to be "one of" the Antichrists for his visions he had, some believe he was a prophet.  I have no opinion on this other than whatever he was, his prophecies have lived long past his time. Are they derived from the bible? Are they visions from God? Or were they things Satan allowed him to see? We'll never really have any way of knowing. 

As I said I did my research, mainly to see if it fit in with my view on prophecy, and it does, it absolutely does. I got to a point where it was the only thing I could think about. I grew up preparing myself for the signs the bible says we would see in the last days... I became completely lost in it. To the point that, Revelation and outside sources kept me from diving more into the bible and building my relationship with Jesus.

Once I got back to basics, and back into my relationship with Jesus I started to see things in a different light. I saw his light.  I was devoting a lot of my life to cleaning my house and waiting for the knock on the door, rather than pursuing his company as it is... As I am.  What I mean by that is, instead of diving into my relationship with him and how I could strengthen it, I was busy trying to make everything right, and put puzzle pieces together instead of just putting my trust in him.

The point of Revelation, and the prophecies in the different books of the bible are to warn those who have not yet given their lives over. To show that the wrath of God is real and that this world will encounter it. In other words, its telling you when you see these things know that I am near... And if you have any plans on going to Heaven and spend your eternal life with Jesus, worry about your self and not what you're seeing.

We are here to plant the seed and spread the Good News... Though we are definitely in the last days, I find that acknowledging the signs is necessary but focusing on  my love for Jesus and his good news is what will matter in the end.... In order to see a new beginning.

Love Lost...

I have no idea where to begin ....

Going into this year I knew that it would be life changing... It was the year I would hit 30, my first brush with my own mortality, and realization about where I would be at in life. The thought of my baptism gave me hope that any fears I had going into the year would disappear afterwards.

In February My entire world crashed down before my eyes. I have no way of truly expressing the emotion I felt. Working in Oncology I hear cancer I don't think of it as the end of everything, there's treatment, there's options... There's hope. But when you hear the word cancer and you look in the eyes of your Ninety Year Old Grandmother and know that those options do not apply, things become very different. I watched her eyes smile knowing why but understanding wasn't something I could wrap my head around... not then. Facing this not once but twice really just ate away at me. I never thought I'd actually ever have to face life without her. I know it sounds crazy, but the faith this woman instilled in me just really made me believe she and I would be together forever. Though I know she's with me always... The ability to have ridiculous conversations with her, to listen to her outrageous logic, to hear her call me her sweetheart, honey, to say that she loved me... It's been difficult not being able to hear that. Not looking into her merciful and loving blue eyes, it's one of the most difficult things I face on a daily basis.... But then by night fall, I close my eyes and there she is. She lets no time go by where she doesn't grace me with her presence. It's because of this I am able to keep moving forward.

Knowing that Grandma would not be at my baptism practically killed me... I had so much put into it for her, being able to continue with it was something I really had to come to terms with. Because Although I wanted to do it in a way that showed my love and appreciation for her, I had to remember why I was getting baptized. This was the highlight of my entire year... And probably will be for my entire life. This day meant more to me than anything I had ever experienced. The emotion, the love, the calming I felt as I began to walk down the aisle and into the water was so overwhelming, that I felt I lost consciousness... I was no longer in the presence of this world... I could feel nothing but the love of Jesus with a hint of Grandma's around me and it was that moment that I knew my life officially changed forever. Life has been a whirlwind since then; I've lost friends, friends I thought would be with me throughout the rest of my life, which at one point I took personally but then I realized that, this life I am embarking on is not something everyone is going to be able to grasp. I chose to live my life for the Lord, and although I don't want anyone to turn from him, and I'd like to do as much as I can to bring his children to him, I know that I am merely a vessel, I am only here to plant his seed it is up to me to trust in him to water it.

I've ended an 11 year friendship which was my longest standing relationship that basically helped form my young adulthood. Though I was not married the end result has felt nothing short of a divorce and it's been the biggest test I've had to deal with thus far. For those who know me, or have seen my writings... I love love... I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in Love and for the last 10 years of my life, I devoted myself to that Love. It didn't matter what I gave up, it didn't matter to me what needed to be sacrificed because this love was my everything. I watched my Grandma stay married to a man who she never saw, a man who on his best days was grouchy but she stuck to him because she believed in Love. I watched her sacrifice everything for me because she loved me. I grew to keep this as a value in my life and I was no different. I applied this to everything in my life. You want to know why I go so hard for my Raiders, Kings... Why I become defensive for certain celebrities ... That is why. To me love was something you defend, its what you go to war for if necessary, and I did... on too many occasions. I believed that my devotion to this love was enough to make everything right.  I wasn't wrong... I was just in the wrong place.  It was one night a year and a half ago I stopped and I looked at my life... I opened my bible for answers and there it was... Grandma didn't believe in Love... she believed in HIS LOVE. She gave herself away for the Love that Jesus gave to her, and for the love he wanted her to give.  All this time I was throwing my love in the wrong direction. I never knew HIS LOVE before, I had it in me all along, its was dwelling there I just wasn't aware of where it came from. I knew then what love was... I knew it was beyond me... I found that Love I had always dreamed of. It wasn't from a fairy tale, it wasn't something some guy was going to give me, no.... It was there lying in my heart all along. I knew then it was time to stop searching, to stop stressing over a love that I had finally found. My worries, My pain, My anxiety... was lifted and disappeared.
I endured a lot through this relationship and though I am saddened by the fact that a person I devoted so much time to chose to do everything but when it came to me, I know what must be done will be. I will not stand for or allow anyone to disrespect the love God gave me to share, or the heart that sits within this body because it is no longer mine... No this body, heart and soul lies within the body of the Lord now.
Again, It's hard losing people whom you thought would be in your life forever... and as you can see I've lost some major roles in my life this year, and though loss of any kind is not easy, I know that with death comes life... With every ending there is a new beginning. I know that he is the Alpha and the Omega and what was will be again. My faith is in the hands of my ever loving Lord Jesus Christ, no safer place than that.

Although I feel broken down, though I feel like I am lost, though I feel at an end... I find refuge, I find shelter in his presence. 

This year with all that I have lost, in this I have found peace. 

D

Open Letter....

Where do I begin....


As you have seen in the video I just posted... The last few weeks were a bit interesting... ups and downs, trials and blessings...

Tonight I want to talk to you about who I am ...

I recently have had time to reflect, not because I wanted to necessarily but I think my subconscious just felt it was time to. This grieving process has been absolutely mind boggling. I am not experiencing things the way one normally would and it has left me a bit amiss. I have had one of the most pleasant experiences internally during this process but maybe it's because that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm grieving.... not mourning...
The only sadness I feel is more of the fact that I really miss being able to hear Grandma say " I love you" in the way that she would... It's funny, I actually hear her in me when I tell Jaxson that I love him... I say it in the same way, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed it. I've also noticed that my sneezes and laugh is the same, something I never caught before now. Maybe it's because I want to hear these things or maybe it really is the same, either way I'm happy with it. It's things like this that keep me happy, that keep my heart from wanting to cry tears of sadness, and in turn produce tears of happiness.

I love Grandma more than words will ever be able to express, so instead I chose to keep her memory alive. To share the memories I have of her, to share her with the world. I feel so selfish to have been the one person that had this bond with her. She loved her family, Next to Jesus it was the one thing she cared about most, but she and I had something that was different, something that transcends Heaven and Earth, Life and Death. I remember following her passing a dear friend of mine sent me words of love... The one thing I remember mostly from it was, "I've never known anyone else to be so lucky as to have someone so deeply kind and loving in their life, Every day with her was a blessing, and everyday forward will be a guided journey"  These words were spot on, they are the words that help guide me when I think of sharing her with others.  I think of the many people out there who have never felt a love like hers, she was the love that exemplified Jesus' love for us. There is not a bone in my body that will allow me to keep this for myself.  

But others saw this differently and felt I was letting the situation consume me, and when I became aware of these feelings it gave me pause... I felt out of sorts... not because I felt it was true, but more because, my heart hurt for them. That they could not see I come from love, not depression. It sat with me for a while, and it knocked me down. This was a moment I would go to Grandma and talk about, to pick me up. She's the only one who could make me feel right, the only one who had the right words.  I moved on, business as usual and then....

A friend of mine I've known since I was in the fourth grade and I were catching up one day and she said "How have you been, you seem happy" It was a statement like that, that took me out of my uneasiness. Where some see consumption, others see the light... others see the love... Grandma's light is shining through and I'm wearing the love of Jesus on my sleeve.

I have a difficult time with sharing myself verbally... Not because I don't always have the words I need, but more so because public speaking is something that spikes my anxiety.  I can go on 2 hours talking about Jesus because as I begin, he takes over me, its not me. Most of the time I go into it just winging it, or there are times I have things written down to talk about and never mention it. But to lead a prayer... I just can't do it, I have no idea why, I mean I can pray, but its the aloud part that gets me. Every Wednesday I have such major anxiety before Seven O'clock hits and I hit "broadcast" and then... like that! It's gone.  It once came to a point where I felt like if nobody was listening, or if I say something wrong... what's the point...? But then I remember... If just one person hears me, if just what God uses me for helps one person come to Jesus... then my anxiety will need to take a back seat. 
If I stifle myself, then I stifle Grandma, and what Jesus has done for us in our lives, and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I want to encourage you all, to take that step... Whatever you're facing, whatever your struggles, whatever it is that gives you anxiety... set it aside. Because you have something to teach someone...You are the factor that will change someone's life in ways you can't even understand.  Don't care what anyone else thinks or feels about what you do... because when you bring someone to Jesus... God is happy with you. God is proud of you, and when you feel that, all that anxiety and second guessing is gone.

If you have had a difficult time, a difficult life, If you are at a point that you don't know what there is left for you, but you need a change... I ask you to open your heart, let down your walls and pray this prayer....  I ask you all to pray this prayer...

Lord, I am not worthy of your love but you still love me.
I am broken, I am at an end, I have nothing left in me.
Lord, I need you, I need you to come in to my heart, to change my life.
Forgive me of my sins Lord, save my soul.
I give my life to you Lord Jesus.
I surrender myself to you Lord, all of my worries, all of my trials, I give it all to you.
I believe that all things can be done through you, that you are my savior.
Come into my heart Jesus...
Amen...

If you prayed that prayer, I want to congratulate you... Letting Jesus into your heart is the first step towards a life of purpose, a life full of unconditional Love. Your life before does not define you, your life before this moment is your testimony on how you came to Jesus, to help others who have walked a similar path as you to relate to Jesus. Don't be afraid to speak of your walk with Jesus to others, you plant the seed and he will water it.  

I welcome you all to share your stories with me. Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, messages, comments below... however, I want to share your stories as well. We are his church! Lets bring Jesus to the masses!

I will see you all next week! Dont Forget To Pray!

~D

Euphoric Epiphany

Euphoric Epiphany

I can feel the chill as the wind blows across my shoulders,

As the hair raises along my arms and perks my spine I,

Close my eyes and take a deep breath,

Spinning in circles towards the sound,

The sound that succumbed to death. 

Inhaling I fill my lungs, I,

Exhale and find that it's not oxygen but the spirit that's filled my body,

A resurgence runs through me, and the soul is free, 

Pain no longer controls the decisions the heart makes,

Walking in grace, I see the vision of that face, as I feel the embrace.

Submerged in love, 

The past is buried,

Your blessings pour down from above,

I vowed to live my life for you, this commitment I marry.

Following in footsteps that graced the Earth,

I walk with purpose, to go beyond the surface,

To sights unseen, shining the way, that lights the day.

Sacrifice made, that paved the way, 

To Share the news of an empty tomb,

Blessed are those who hear and loved are those who fear.

Bowed in your presence, I'm raised as righteous,

Reminiscing in your words I, 

Am called to another time, reminding me that I am yours,

And you are mine.

Beyond a Memory, your body rose,

Blessed am I the one you chose,

Your promises kept, this fact I have come to accept,

As my soul rejoices in truth it wept.

Lives have been saved, Your purpose served ,

Mistakes have been forgiven, 

For my life I owe you everything,

but above all things for this... is Eternity...

The pain you bared, pleading to God to leave you spared,

For me you would suffer, In this life you would even have to die,

But because of your Love and Grace, I will forever be your bride.

~D

Jesus > Religion Review

        I was selected to receive an advanced copy of  "Jesus > Religion: Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough" by famed spoken word poet Jefferson Bethke, who is famously known for his video "Why I Hate Religion But Love Jesus",  in order to write a review on my opinion of the book.  I have to say I had a very biased opinion going in, I was pre-ordering my copy on Amazon anticipating its arrival October 7th, but I am also very critical when it comes to this subject so I also went in with a very intense eye on how Jesus would be portrayed, and once I start to read it I found that it was very different to how I imagined. Jefferson dives in on many issues that people are afraid to speak on. Sins such as lust, greed, homosexuality, he even touched on gluttony and I can't think of the last time anyone even considered that as a sin. He speaks a lot about the fundamentalist, he breaks down different era's of Christians or religions if you will, and though some may not love his interpretation of them it's very interesting to see the younger generation's view on those who have carried this torch for so long.  I am a young adult who was raised by a woman who taught me the bible, I did not grow up in church but WITH it, and I found myself lumped into the fundamentalist group. I was in no way offended by this, matter of fact it made me look at my view how I am living with Jesus. I found myself disagreeing with his views at times, but in that I found myself reflecting on where my views are and how I can improve them in Jesus. 

    Jefferson talks about the church quite often although the title and his videos may lead you to believe otherwise, "We can't say we love Jesus and not the church because that's like cutting off someone's body and saying you love a decapitated head. That's gross. And it'ts weird.To love someone and know that person fully, you must know their entire self." The church is a part of Jesus, and we are the church. I have long believed that a church while it is important to have somewhere you can worship, it is us his children who make up the church. We are his vessel and if we are not speaking for him there is nowhere for him to go, Jefferson has done a fine job at getting this point across. 

       Many may feel he goes back and forth on certain subjects, us fundamentalists who hold certain topics with a little more high regard may find his opinions offensive but I think that's the point. We all come from different walks of life, different areas of Christianity, and when reading I found myself saying, "I'm fascinated by his view and where he came from, and how Jesus brought him to where he is now." It's a fascinating testimony of sin, morals, idolatry and love. 

      We were created to love each other, Jesus while mighty in his power came to us with love in his heart, and mercy on our souls, this is the message that Jefferson is trying to send to the masses, the message that Jesus has called us all to share. We are called to do so much more than to be beaten down by rules. He is right, once you have began your relationship with him, he calls your life out of despair and into marvelous things, and soon those rules are no longer something to be beat down by they are love. 

      I would hope while reading the average person picks up his message, the message of Love. The bible is God's love letter to us, and this is Jefferson's love letter to not just God, but God's children as well. I myself have identified with many if not ninety-seven percent of Jefferson's walk and though some of my outcomes have been a bit different, the end result has been the same. As he says, If just one person reads this book and it opens them up to Jesus then it would be worth it, Jefferson, I commend you because, with that one book you may feed millions just  as Jesus did with his few little fish and his seven loaves of bread to the 4,000. 

-D

Update - Jesus > Religion Street Team!

Hello everyone!!

It's been forever I know, between the baptism, what I've been through the last few months, and my book I've had no time to give you anything.. My many apologies!

I am here to announce....
I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE A PART OF JEFFERSON BETHKE'S STREET TEAM TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK "Jesus > Religion Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough"

I am more than excited to spread the word on this. As you all know, I have had a strong stand point on focusing on relationships and how our relationship with Jesus is the point of Christianity, not "Religion." This man went and took it to another level, with 25,686,039 views on Youtube. Following his videos and social media, I believe in this man because of his message. I stand behind it 100%!

If you don't know who he is .... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!  He was introduced to the world when his spoken word video "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" hit social media. And now the companion to this video, an in depth book is ready for release! Do yourself a favor AND GET THIS BOOK! It is set for release on October 7th, 2013, you can pre order on Amazon and on Jefferson's website now! See video below.

Please help me in spreading the word! I will be updating soon with my review of the book! GOD IS WORKING IN AMAZING WAYS!

See my new update video below

Interruptions

I know.... It's been a while...

I've been working diligently on my book as well as the new chapter in my life... As I've mentioned before I have made the decision to be baptized in July, trying to make arrangements and focus on the book have been number 1 priorities. In the midst of all of this, I have seen my world practically crumble all at once.

I was left feeling lost, out of place and out of sorts. Everything I've ever known is not the same, and everything I've ever believed in is now being tested. It's amazing the amount of strength one has when they feel like nothing is left. A lot of people may take that moment and give up, I on the other hand became the mother whose child was stuck under a burning car. My mind went into survival mode, shut everything off, set everything aside and PUSH.

It's safe to say that 2013 did NOT start off the way 2012 did that's for sure. I have come far enough in this life to understand that NOTHING is by coincidence, nothing is by chance rather by divine intervention. God's plan is never just about us, it's a combined effort. WE have our idea and he has his, we can hope the two coincide with each other but I've found that ... All my GREAT big dreams and goals were nothing compared to what he sees in me, I was really selling myself short, and believe me when I say I was aiming pretty high in those goals.  The problem with my goals were, they were only about ME. I have sat here and written about so many different relationship issues, spoke about how selfish people can be and how that can ruin a relationship... Never realizing that in my own relationship with God, I was being selfish, but once I did I could see how I was selling myself short.

I continue to learn more about myself and where my faith is going every day, and with it my life.
I'm not here to shove my beliefs down your throat, that's not me. I have had a moment of clarity, I have them a lot more often than I used to.  My life is changing and its happening so fast, that all of the things that irritate me, that try and  hold me back almost don't even effect me any longer.  I am beyond happy and ready to bring all of the good news that follows.  Until we meet again...

-D

Granting Grandma's Final Wishes

I come to you with all that I am, in order to pour out my heart and down on my knees to beg for any assistance anyone may be able to give.
My Grandmother was diagnosed with Malignant Metastatic Cancer on February 9th and in just 10 days she only has a short time left.  Looking back on my life with her I can’t imagine how someone who has lived such a long life would wake up one day with such an awful disgusting disease. She’s fought heart issues, strokes, not to mention a life that was not easy. The woman bared 5 children and has outlived all but two. Her lineage is extraordinary going all the way down to Great great grandchildren. She took in anything that walked past her door, be it a stray animal or a lost soul with no questions asked, and nothing in return. She took the path that Jesus did, her grace and mercy were nothing short of what he taught her, and while I almost never agreed with these decisions she did it anyway. You see she took me in when I was just 6 months old and raised me as a daughter, not a grandchild. She’s the only thing in this world that matters anything to me and it kills me to think I can’t do ONE thing for her after she’s served her life for others.

I am here to ask for your Grace and mercy, to donate what you can be it a dollar, or more… or simply spreading the word for me. Our family would appreciate this more than you know. I will say Thank You in advance and may God bless you and your family.


To Donate just click here. Anyone with paypal account can donate through this site, if you do not have a paypal account you can also donate to the

Varela Memorial Services (checks also payable to)
Through Bank of America
Account # 325010080452

-Di

I Am The City On A Hill...

This will be the realest thing I ever wrote...

For those of you who follow me on twitter or instagram, and the select few on facebook, you will have seen that things have definitely done a 180 in the last few months for me.

I went through life with such a hard exterior, one so hard that the person inside was barred from coming out. I was unable to be the person I wanted to be, because I was occupied being the person I had to be in order to survive. Meanwhile Here I am stifling the person I am inside, it felt as if I was suffocating almost. The outside of me could not stand the cheerfulness and mushy lovey ways people would be, or their way over dramatic excitement for the smallest things. I always thought, don't these people know there's more to life than what they're all excited about?? While I wouldn't judge, my opinions of things were far from what anyone else thought.  While I'd have my moments, read my bible and speak about God, I always felt like some part of me was still lingering... Still trying to hold on to the survival skills I felt I needed...  I look back and see myself just as the way I was, Everything I already knew, just trying to break the habit but unable to.  And then One Night....

I heard him speak, there was no loud deep voice from above, it was from within. It eased my mind and soothed my soul... He gave me unquestioned answers, my soul did what felt like 360s in excitement, something I wasn't understanding, but I knew something was changing.  People are told all kinds of stories of how God works, or they have all of these ideas about pastors and how the people of God come to be. Many think you get this calling and its smooth sailing, some think that people are just born into families and that's what the entire family does, that they all come from the perfect middle America type families... Well I am here to tell you a very different accounting of this.

I was raised with God in my home, his words read to me every day and night, taught the same bedtime prayers every kid is taught and our family was very far from perfect. As we know by now My mother was nonexistent unless she needed something from us, a father who was an awful human being, an uncle who was almost killed by his wife and is now mentally disabled because of her. My life was anything but perfect growing up, I battled drug addicts, thieves, criminals and death every day, be it mine or my family's but I always knew that God was there, and wondering how much longer he would let it all go on for, and I sat down one night and I couldn't even think and I did what I always did when I felt this way, I opened the bible to a random page and found Job 36:21

Be on guard! Turn back from evil,
    for God sent this suffering
    to keep you from a life of evil.

He answered the question I had yet to ask, I couldn't even get the words or the thoughts out but he heard my heart. I became closer to him that day.

I made decisions based on what I thought he'd given me and I stuck to them the best way I could, they took me through times that were not some of my easiest but I did in fact learn a lot on the way. I was able to recognize he opened the doors, I just had to learn when it was time to shut them.

I finally learned that surrendering and forgiveness took more than just the words, it takes understanding and the ability to be able to make your heart feel it. My grandma always said.. " When you say your prayers ask Jesus to come into your heart" Well I mean I knew what it meant, but until now I didn't really grasp the concept she was trying to teach me. Truth be told it can't be taught, it can't be forced, the word is spoken and you have to make the choice to receive it. The moment I made the choice I realized life had just begun. 

Although I started the journey years ago, as a child even... It was recently that the easy road started presenting obstacles. I knew that when I made the choice to fully devote my life to God that I'd be attacked from all angles, I just never really expected them to be so subtle. It's taken great concentration to recognize it, but once I did I felt like I was constantly watching a fly waiting for it to land, always looking over my shoulder... I quickly began to realize, that I was allowing Satan to command me without even knowing it. The Road wasn't easy, I still have so much to experience. The one thing about this journey is that with every step God teaches me something, and gives me something new that he specifically left out.  I feel a peace that is calming and a calling that I can no longer silence. His voice speaks louder than any words can, and his presence is beyond amazing, it is magnificent. 

Finally Freed

As long as I can remember, Grandma has always been my saving grace... Because of her I had a life, a childhood...  Because of her I know what my future will be. When nobody wanted me, she did, when I felt like I was no one, she made me someone....
And now I feel the tables have turned....

I have been waiting for the perfect time to tell my story, I figured it would be best for the book, I mean, they say that's where you pull people in... Mass production and $$$$ but today, I knew... Today was the day... No money, no oooh ahhh shock value... This is meant to shed some light on things in hopes that it allows...

In my last post I asked... How do you give the information without making it sound like some kind of movie... It didn't dawn on me then but now is the time....
I've always lived this life with questions and expectations even as a child, always feeling like there was something more, more than me.
When I was five years old, my Grandma and I were going through old pictures... There was a picture of my Mother, she was about Twenty-Four years old and my Grandma started to tell me about my conception... I know, I know... Odd that my Grandma would know that and share it with me at such a young age... Except it's not what you think...
When my mother was young she was born without the shut off from her bladder to her urethra, which meant that she would need to wear a urine bag her entire life. Along with this, she was also born without a uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries, with no chance to ever have children.
My Grandma was distraught, questioning how a child can be born this way...  My Aunt who was heavily into church told my Grandma to go to church and have her prayed for, except that at this time Grandma wasn't as into church as she is now so this wasn't a instant reaction for her.  She prayed, knelt down by her bed and prayed, prayed for Jesus to heal her baby girl, and that night my mother came in and told her she needed to use the restroom...

Grandma took her straight to the doctor and sure enough her bladder was normal, she had taken nothing for this, no surgeries were done, it was just healed, with no explanation from the doctors. While this was now in tact, her reproductive organs were not. It wasn't until 42 weeks before my birth that she would find out that she was no longer baron.

 From the few people who know this about me, know that I tend to keep this to myself unless it needs to be known, I tend to get weird looks (as if I had anything to do with it) a multitude of questions, accusations against it... I'm sure you can imagine... However, the one reason why I don't tend to say anything is because I tend to get some who use the word miracle and take it way too far...
I am here to tell you that YES I am a miracle, I don't deny the power he has to change things miraculously in the blink of an eye, the issue I have is trying to make people understand that I am nothing more than a product of his grace and power, an example, someone to share his glory and to bare witness to this.

For the last 20 years, I haven't had a relationship with my mother because, she isn't the woman God created, she's distorted by years of drug use and bad decisions, with no responsibility for her actions... In recent years I tried to make amends with her, to reconcile. I have forgiven her actions against me, however the love that a daughter should have for her mother is long gone. I started noticing the actions, mannerisms, the way she would speak, it wasn't normal, people just don't act the way she does...
It was recently I started noticing an odd pattern with her, the last year, the times I would visit my Grandma, the feeling I get there is very unwelcoming, if i weren't a strong person by nature it probably would have really scared me...
I could never understand what I did, as a child what was it about me that she didn't want me... She gave me over to my Grandma when I was just 6 months old, my Grandfather asked for her to leave me with Grandma so that she could have a chance to change her life, she did without any hesitation. As I grew up, even though she would be around from time to time, it was like she was forced to spend time with me, felt nothing like a mother and child bond.
It wasn't until recently that I finally understood...

For years I prayed for God to make Grandma move with me up North, and one day... Grandma's water well went dry, and after estimates and information,  it looked like drilling a new well was not an option, and practically financially impossible. God Finally set it in motion.... I just had to wait out the winter for the water to completely run dry and she would be here.
On Sunday I get a call from my Grandfather, just so that he could tell me that he sent her the money to drill deeper... It was like everything God had granted was just ripped out from under me. I immediately felt Satan all around it. My "Mother" called my Grandfather and said everything she could to make him feel guilty enough to pay for a new well.
I felt lost, empty and defeated until tonight.

Everything, every last question, I have an answer... While for so long I thought I had one, it was merely one answer leading me to THE answer...

I have spent the last twenty years with a feeling of anger and resentment consuming me, not able to forgive... Forgiveness... The one thing left that would keep me out of Heaven...

Could it have been Satan all along? Could he have been the one who made her baron, simply because he knew she would give birth to me? Is this why she is the way she is towards my Grandmother, because my Grandmother is the one who instilled God into my life?
I could never understand why she treated me the way she did, why she was always so against me...
Until tonight.

For the first time in my life, I could hear the fear in my Grandma's voice. She has always been my guarantee, my way of knowing that Heaven is real and how I know that paths are set. But tonight, it wasn't until I heard the fear in her voice that I knew how real everything really was. I know Heaven is real, I know Satan is more real now than he has ever been and in that moment I became safe. I knew then that Jesus saved me simply by having me tell my Grandmother this exact same thing. She cried, not because she was afraid any longer but because she knew that she was safe and that He has not left her and that she now knows what she needs to do to make sure she's as close to Jesus as she's ever been...

I never thought that I would be saving her. And Never would I think that I would be sitting here praying for my Mother to be saved. But I Am...

Having a relationship that I've had with Jesus for as long as I've had, I didn't think anything would surprise me because I believe in everything that he is, yet he continues to amaze me with how he works in me.
Just as with Jesus, Satan's objectives and the power he has is just as real, the weak and the strong would waver in the presence of this, but my faith is everlasting and know my place among the father in his Kingdom.

I've made this sound like another epic storyline, except for the fact that this isn't a "What's going to happen"  This is my testimonial as to what has already happened ...

If you have ever once spoken to me then you know, that my faith in God is as strong as it can be, that I can attest to his miracles and his blessings; If you haven't ever spoke to me, I ask you not to believe me, but to seek him out and he will show you your own blessings...

'Walk by Faith, Not by Sight"

 

Message In A Scroll

How do you tell a person that the world is about to change in the blink of an eye and that all of the things to follow for Earth are nothing but destruction, pain and suffering, all to end with a battle of souls between God and Satan and that for God's chosen people it all ends with a "Happily Every After" and not make it sound like some off the wall Motion Picture and crazy?

Maybe there isn't a way... Maybe people are just set in a way so much that we've stopped believing in things that happen simply because they can.

I have spent my last 29 years searching for a purpose, trying to understand my reason for being here... I'm sure we all have felt this, or questioned it... It's beyond that for me. It's like I have this ticking clock I go by, that's been slowing, inching closer and closer to a complete stop... While women are worrying about a biological clock ticking down their fertile years... I am awaiting for a wonderful beginning, my destiny.

Until this week, I have always been fascinated by the Bible and the prophecies it holds, so much that I can dive right into it and just read for hours... This week that changed. I have thought myself a lot of things, I believed at one time I was psychic ( I was a child) I believed I was a miracle (I am) and I believed that I was just another sinner.... This week I realized that I am not just any of those things but that I have been called by him because I'm a sinner, because I am his miracle and because I am his messenger, one of many...

I come to you as someone who some of you know personally, as someone who you occasionally read, as someone who believes in allowing a person their freedom of opinion.

News hit this week that Israel had been hit with rockets from Palestine and instantly in the blink of an eye my vision has changed..

Luke 21:19-22 

In your patience possess ye your souls.And when ye shall see Jerusalem compassed with armies, then know that the desolation thereof is nigh.Then let them which are in Judaea flee to the mountains; and let them which are in the midst of it depart out; and let not them that are in the countries enter thereinto. For these be the days of vengeance, that all things which are written may be fulfilled.

Now anyone can sit here and recite verses with syntax and prove their points... the difference is... Its not my point I'm proving...

I've had dreams my entire life that never made sense but scared me to death, I'm always left trying to make sense of them. A week before the earthquake and Tsunami in Japan, I had a dream that I was in Hawaii and suddenly waters started to rise and we were being evacuated from a building which led me to a dark parking lot where there was a black and white cat that continuously kept repeating something but I couldn't hear it, I then saw this cat again under a blanket peeking out repeating Armageddon over and over.... The day of the Tsunami I was set to go to Santa Monica to meet with a friend... Never did I imagine that the cat in my dream would be in her kitchen peeking out from the same blanket...

January 2011, news  broke that everyone's existence would change from that moment on and nobody is who they think they are, because there was now a 13th constellation has entered the Sun and Earth's orbit... This 13th sign is named Ophiuchus ... If you see the placement of the sign and read into the mythological stories behind each constellation, it sits between Orion and the scorpion, to which Ophiuchus is believed to give life back to the dead...

Luke 21:25

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring;

You see... This week life has changed for me, My clock has stopped ticking and the calling is loud and clear. I have taken many roads towards my spiritual baptism, roads I'm terrified to remember but those roads led me to his Grace and Salvation, and I stand here in complete anointing and obedience.  I have never felt his love the way I did yesterday... To be honest the service was a tad bit boring, its not what I'm used to, nor what my church usually puts out, but during worship and all through it I felt his arms around me, and his love rush over me leaving my heart light and with a purpose.


I know there will be skeptics, his plan would not work with out them, I would have no purpose without them. I am here to stand before you to tell you that we are in the time of his return. The seven churches are being warned, his Bride is being prepared.

Revelations21:12

And had a wall great and high, and had twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and names written thereon, which are the names of the twelve tribes of the children of Israel

12-21-12

The Twelve  tribes of Israel  are speaking, and the words are being manipulated into making us believe in a doomsday by an ending calendar. We're prone to seeing the end of things rather than a beginning...

Revelations is the most difficult book in the bible to understand because of its symbolism. For God to speak through John in order to leave a map that would unfold itself will tell you more than anything. 

Genesis begins with the first betrayal with the serpent convincing Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge, it's only fitting that the last book in the bible has been left with symbolism, leaving us to rely on God and his word and to trust in him and that he is leading us to him. 

Pray for your loved ones, get your "house" in order and let Jesus in, because he is truly the only way to  the Fathers Kingdom.

To Be Continued......

God Bless Us All

Sisterly Love...

I've sat here for about a month with this blank sheet open in front of me preparing for my Best Friend's wedding... You see, It was a shock to me when I got the call, and as any Best Friend would be I was a little bit concerned. She's known him a short amount of time, definitely too short for me, but then again... I'm known to endure things for years on end so I guess it was just natural, but for Chas the woman is definitely one with the wind (fitting since she's an Aquarius... -thats an air sign for those who are unaware) ... As she is, so I decided to be as well, when one night her fiance posted their wedding announcement and I about lost my heart knowing that I couldn't be there for her big day. Although she says there will be a larger wedding in a year or so, I know from experience often times that never happens... so I decided to just say forget all of my grown up responsibilities and booked a flight to Florida... And she had no idea...  So here I am a week later with the words I wanted her to hear.

I've always been a big sister to my little brother, who wasn't always around, you see... Or not like normal siblings would be, and I always wanted to know what it was like to have a sister. One day when I was thirteen, this dreadful day in October.. My Physical Education class was changed to 5th period, a class where I knew nobody, in with a bunch of girls I didn't like including Chasity... Now mind you I didn't even know her, but maybe it was just the fact that I was in this class and just assumed the worst about everyone because I couldn't stand anyone else in it. But then... I couldn't tell you what it was or how it happened but I knew I had found my long lost sister. Chasity and I instantly became joined at the hip and we became a family. You may not know this by looking at her, or even talking to her, but she used to be this timid shy young girl who I knew inside was more opinionated than she showed, but she always kept herself very reserved. She wasn't the girl throwing herself at the boys, or trying to fit in with the other girls, Chasity was genuine every last bit of her, and that's one thing that's always been the same with me, if you aren't genuine I want nothing to do with you. She proved me wrong in so many ways, so many I have lost count.

At fourteen, she met a boy who stole her young naive heart, and though I warned her about him, she made her own decisions and though I wish for her sake she never had to go down that path he led her, God gave her the greatest gift someone can ever have... A son, my first Godson and on February 20th at 5:02pm when our eyes locked with him, I knew that no matter what life may throw at her, she was blessed and he is a reminder of that every day.  When I look at him as a soon to be teen, I see the amazing woman she has turned out to be, but more importantly the amazing mother that she is. Although I may have lost faith in my own, they are a reminder to me every day that Great Mothers do exist.

The morning of the 12th of October, I had all of these ideas of how to surprise her, I mean the fact that I was there was probably enough I mean 3,000 miles of travel over night would have probably sufficed, but if you know me, I never do anything minimal. So for weeks she had been texting all day every day, talking about plans, I even went as far as to send her a box with her veil and some gifts to throw her off the scent... You see, Chas has always had a little bit of "blonde on the brain"  so I was relying on this to get this surprise done and sure enough it worked amazingly. So come Friday morning, all of my plans fell apart and chose to go about it in a witty and nonchalant kind of way, by calling her at 4am (Pacific time) never knowing I was in the same time  zone as her, and letting on that I had insomnia and couldnt sleep and figured I'd call her because it was the day before the wedding and I wanted to make sure she was calm ... And I had asked what she was doing, which she tells me she was taking her son to school....  So I very calmly asked her if she could come by her mom's and pick me up, because I was just there by myself.... To express to you the joy my heart felt to have heard the excitement in her voice is near impossible. She was shouting asking her son if he knew, and she just kept repeating "You're lying" over and over...
I am no hugger, and let me tell you I practically despise it, but to hear her frantically knock on the door and fill her in my arms was like .... like... knowing that every decision I've ever questioned was no longer that, it was right, and to have missed this day that would be so important in her life would have been like my Grandmother missing my wedding day... It was important and necessary.

From our planning and prepping to doing her make up the afternoon of the wedding, trying to hold back our happy tears... This day was real and it was a day the two of us deserved after what we've shared with each other... The look in her eyes, the happiness and excitement I knew that it was time, she was really ready to make this decision. As I help her put her veil on, she was calm and settled,  as her best friend this was me giving her away to a new best friend, not one like me, one that will take head of her little family ( or as much as she will allow) one that is binded by the love of God and the state of FL, one that will take care of her in the way I know she deserves.

On a dark cloudy day in Key Largo sound, we hurried to the sound so that we could beat the rain. As I wave her down, I catch the glimpse of her son walking with her arm in arm, with her short vintage style cream dress, hair tussled just so, and rose and lilly bouquet and vivid red platform pump heals ... she meets Erdem infront of family and friends and I cannot keep the emotions in any longer, the rain starts to pour as they say their vows and it could not have been any more beautiful, as if God literally showered us all with his love...   As they are pronounced husband and wife, I can tell you that my heart is whole because my best friend and sister is finally whole.

 Love you more than words can say.... 

 -Buddy Bear

The Moment, You Own It.

           Lose yourself in the music the moment you own it, you better never let it go, you only get one shot......
That line used to mean so much and its amazing how time can change the meanings to things that once were so important. I've come so far in the last 10 years, I've experienced love, I've started the path to reaching my dreams and I've felt heartbreak along the way. I won't ever regret the pain I've endured because though at the time I didn't realize it, it has really opened my eyes and made me realize that I'm a force to be dealt with. Often times we think we're stuck in a rut while trying to achieve our goals, but it takes just ONE person, and often the last person we'd expect to  show you exactly what you achieved and resent you for it.
I struggled with this for years, years that I can't change, not that I would, only to have opened my mind to realize that I was on the path that was eventually leading me exactly where I envisioned.


The last few years have been quite a blur for me, and as someone who needs control of her life, that has probably been the worst feeling known to me ever. The most recent years have really given me time to reflect and make sense of what I couldn't sort out before.
Trying to make sense of what someone SAYS or PORTRAYS from what you really know, that's not the easiest thing to come to terms with. The people you let in are the ones who you hold with the utmost honor, Trust. I am a very open person when it comes to most things, but there are certain things I protect with everything that I am, and that includes people.
For those who haven't had the opportunity to sit down and get to know me, I like to give everyone fair warning... I always have a secret weapon stored away if ever needed, intuition, instinct and the ability to know "Bull Street" when I hear/see it. If you think I believe you're in the car, when I can clearly hear the acoustics of a room around you ... I'm pretty sure I can assess the surroundings...



I  know I'm ready to embrace this adult I've become, I haven't been a child since I was about 12 and I'm not about to turn back now, and those in my life need to have the same frame of mind, because they say, you are the company you keep.




Opportunity comes once in a life time .....

I Am Genna Ayup...

On June 26th, 2012, 27 year old Genna Ayup was brutally murdered by her boyfriend, Ronald James Corbin Jr. After an altercation between the two outside their house, the two went inside and neighbors witnessed the sound of a gunshot...


- He ran to get his gun and shot her in the face. -

This statement was not given by Mr. Corbin Jr. or a neighbor.. This is what the two year old son of the couple witnessed with his own eyes and in his own words, he has been able to describe the whole horrific situation in detail....

I wish I could say that this was the beginning to one of my manuscripts in the works but unfortunately this is not fiction. This is an actual horrific, tragic event that has occurred in Tucson, Arizona.
As of now Mr. Corbin Jr. has not been arrested, questioned nor has he given a statement. He has hired an attorney at this point but again, has NOT been arrested. According to the police, because he is not a flight risk they did not need to arrest him.

A man kills a woman in front of a child and that is not enough reason to bring the man in for questioning!? Where is the practice of justice here? Now, I'm not saying that they arrest him on the spot, but at the very least bring the man down to the station for questioning! Hold him on having a weapon around a child? I'm sure they could have found a reason to bring him to the station AT THE VERY LEAST, and go from there. Our country is so disorganized and unruly that we let people run around with guns without legal consequence, while innocent bystanders suffer the mortal consequences.

I ask you all to stand up! Stand up for a Mother, Stand up for your Sister, Stand up for your Daughter, Stand up for Friend, Stand up for the INNOCENT.  Our laws were written for structure and to bring justice, but are upheld without.

This is a case of unjust protocol, much like Treyvon Martin, Genna is without peace, without resolve. While their son is left to be with Mr. Corbin Jr. his father, while the justice system works through its procedures.  Domestic Violence has increased and will continue to increase rapidly if we allow these things to continue. This woman didnt end up with some broken bones, a black eye, burns... Her life was taken away from her in an instant, a mother has been taken away from her son by the person he lays next to at night, and who is left to help him?  Be that person.

I have attached a link below. Please I urge you to share this and re-post it everywhere you can... Please spread the word. Assure everyone this is not a scam, nobody is asking for money or donations, just your support. Genna is my dear friend's cousin and their family is devastated by not only this tragedy but the manner in which it's being handled. I want to thank you all in advance. -D

I AM GENNA AYUP - JUSTICE FOR GENNA (petition)

*UPDATE* Mr. Corbin was Arrested on One count of Manslaughter today... ONE COUNT OF MANSLAUGHTER!  Was later released on his own recognizance until his hearing on August 23rd, 2012, where he will roam the streets as a free citizen. My hope is that the release is to allow the District Attorney and the Tucson Police Department enough time to get the evidence and facts together to up the charges, because Manslaughter is definitely NOT the correct charge, nor the only.

Please continue to spread the word, I want to thank my followers for spreading the word before I really released this blog, Please continue to do so! Justice For Genna!





UPDATE:
Since the posting of this article, the charges have been dropped against Mr. Corbin. Many have their theories on the reasons for this and as you can imagine the family is outraged. I however believe a different scenario, which is more beneficial to the family, which we will leave out because if I'm correct, I wouldn't want what my theory is, to compromise the judgement of this case. To sum it up, He knows what he did, the family knows and Genna knows what he's done and regardless of the outcome he is going to have to live with this for the rest of his life, and though outsiders may not see this, its going to eat away at him whether or not he shows it is another story, but this is his internal struggle he will have to deal with for eternity. I do not believe the City of Tucson has given up, I just don't. I have faith in all that there is and believe there is something larger at work here.

The petition has been updated so if you haven't signed it please do!