Sunday, January 15, 2012

Renegade

I'm funny when I choose to be... I don't mind a debate here and there but it seems as though, these two things have been seen as invitations for those who don't understand, that it's become for their amusement and not mine.

I've gone through a lot in my life, and it's so interesting to me how much my view of life and events have changed. Though many may not like it, it is what it is.

In my life I've been many of things, some I'm proud of and some I'm undecided on, but I know who I want to be and it seems as though it may not be the same as what others want me to be. Well I guess the good thing is, that I've always been one to go against the grain and be different, with my morals, caring heart and common sense.

I've never been one to appease someone else just because it was easy, But I have been one to watch my manners, something my Grandma taught me. I have a strong mind and strong opinions, which I now know that there may have been times I should have kept some of them to myself, and if at any time I didn't and offended anyone, I would hope that you know it was not my intention and if I did I am sincerely sorry...

One night my Grandmother had told me about how she had stopped smoking... She had gone to church one day and the pastor had started a prayer and had asked the congregation what they wanted him to pray for, I thought to my self it was like a dj at a club or something... Instead, my Grandma had prayed for the Lord to help her quit smoking... She walked out of the church and started to light a cigarette, and said she heard a voice that said "PUT IT OUT" And she never had another cigarette again in her life....
She had told me when I find God, REALLY allow him in, things are going to change... I did not want to hear any of that, because I figured I was already good the way I was and handling things just fine... I was also 16 years old.

I see things in a way that offends me rather than anyone else, and because of that I now understand where Grandma was coming from. He's not only opened but warmed my heart, there's no way to ignore it, not that I want to but even if I did, its as if it's the only thing I find impossible. I spoke to 2 young girls (kids of a friend of mine) last night; We spoke about the Bible, they had all of these questions and all I could think to myself was, "I remember this" It was like it was my Grandma, Grandma Pearl and I, the 3 of us sitting asking these same questions, asking if its alright to pray about tether ball game...

How can innocence be so lost? How can you find something you never even realized was gone?

I've gone through so many emotions in this time in my life, which for the most part have been very comforting and I don't how else to say it other than I've Changed...
For the most part I'm the same person I've always been but my heart has changed. I've never been a push over and that will not change, if anything that's a stronger, and I would choose no differently. I would hope that people would take notice and understand that I am who I am, the only way that is changing is if God chooses, but for right now I am who he wants me to be and I like it. My life has never been more fulfilling with a simple opening of my eyes in the morning, and the deep breaths he allows me to take. I never really knew how something as simple as feeling comfortable could be one of the best feelings in the world.

This may not make me some individuals favorite person, but I'm alright with that. I learned years ago that regardless of how someone else sees me, I am the one who owns the power, and a little confession... I do crave power a tad bit. So think of me what you will... It doesn't change who I am.