Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Where do I begin....
As you have seen in the video I just posted... The last few weeks were a bit interesting... ups and downs, trials and blessings...
Tonight I want to talk to you about who I am ...
I recently have had time to reflect, not because I wanted to necessarily but I think my subconscious just felt it was time to. This grieving process has been absolutely mind boggling. I am not experiencing things the way one normally would and it has left me a bit amiss. I have had one of the most pleasant experiences internally during this process but maybe it's because that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm grieving.... not mourning...
The only sadness I feel is more of the fact that I really miss being able to hear Grandma say " I love you" in the way that she would... It's funny, I actually hear her in me when I tell Jaxson that I love him... I say it in the same way, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed it. I've also noticed that my sneezes and laugh is the same, something I never caught before now. Maybe it's because I want to hear these things or maybe it really is the same, either way I'm happy with it. It's things like this that keep me happy, that keep my heart from wanting to cry tears of sadness, and in turn produce tears of happiness.
I love Grandma more than words will ever be able to express, so instead I chose to keep her memory alive. To share the memories I have of her, to share her with the world. I feel so selfish to have been the one person that had this bond with her. She loved her family, Next to Jesus it was the one thing she cared about most, but she and I had something that was different, something that transcends Heaven and Earth, Life and Death. I remember following her passing a dear friend of mine sent me words of love... The one thing I remember mostly from it was, "I've never known anyone else to be so lucky as to have someone so deeply kind and loving in their life, Every day with her was a blessing, and everyday forward will be a guided journey" These words were spot on, they are the words that help guide me when I think of sharing her with others. I think of the many people out there who have never felt a love like hers, she was the love that exemplified Jesus' love for us. There is not a bone in my body that will allow me to keep this for myself.
But others saw this differently and felt I was letting the situation consume me, and when I became aware of these feelings it gave me pause... I felt out of sorts... not because I felt it was true, but more because, my heart hurt for them. That they could not see I come from love, not depression. It sat with me for a while, and it knocked me down. This was a moment I would go to Grandma and talk about, to pick me up. She's the only one who could make me feel right, the only one who had the right words. I moved on, business as usual and then....
A friend of mine I've known since I was in the fourth grade and I were catching up one day and she said "How have you been, you seem happy" It was a statement like that, that took me out of my uneasiness. Where some see consumption, others see the light... others see the love... Grandma's light is shining through and I'm wearing the love of Jesus on my sleeve.
I have a difficult time with sharing myself verbally... Not because I don't always have the words I need, but more so because public speaking is something that spikes my anxiety. I can go on 2 hours talking about Jesus because as I begin, he takes over me, its not me. Most of the time I go into it just winging it, or there are times I have things written down to talk about and never mention it. But to lead a prayer... I just can't do it, I have no idea why, I mean I can pray, but its the aloud part that gets me. Every Wednesday I have such major anxiety before Seven O'clock hits and I hit "broadcast" and then... like that! It's gone. It once came to a point where I felt like if nobody was listening, or if I say something wrong... what's the point...? But then I remember... If just one person hears me, if just what God uses me for helps one person come to Jesus... then my anxiety will need to take a back seat.
If I stifle myself, then I stifle Grandma, and what Jesus has done for us in our lives, and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I want to encourage you all, to take that step... Whatever you're facing, whatever your struggles, whatever it is that gives you anxiety... set it aside. Because you have something to teach someone...You are the factor that will change someone's life in ways you can't even understand. Don't care what anyone else thinks or feels about what you do... because when you bring someone to Jesus... God is happy with you. God is proud of you, and when you feel that, all that anxiety and second guessing is gone.
If you have had a difficult time, a difficult life, If you are at a point that you don't know what there is left for you, but you need a change... I ask you to open your heart, let down your walls and pray this prayer.... I ask you all to pray this prayer...
Lord, I am not worthy of your love but you still love me.
I am broken, I am at an end, I have nothing left in me.
Lord, I need you, I need you to come in to my heart, to change my life.
Forgive me of my sins Lord, save my soul.
I give my life to you Lord Jesus.
I surrender myself to you Lord, all of my worries, all of my trials, I give it all to you.
I believe that all things can be done through you, that you are my savior.
Come into my heart Jesus...
If you prayed that prayer, I want to congratulate you... Letting Jesus into your heart is the first step towards a life of purpose, a life full of unconditional Love. Your life before does not define you, your life before this moment is your testimony on how you came to Jesus, to help others who have walked a similar path as you to relate to Jesus. Don't be afraid to speak of your walk with Jesus to others, you plant the seed and he will water it.
I welcome you all to share your stories with me. Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, messages, comments below... however, I want to share your stories as well. We are his church! Lets bring Jesus to the masses!
I will see you all next week! Dont Forget To Pray!
Posted by Di Jax at 8:04 PM