Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Orchestrating The Melody

While in my latest  moments of solitude and time away I've had time to reflect... Just when I figure it all out and settle into what feels like a normal contentment, The Walls Close IN.
We've all been there, when one thing happens, it triggers an avalanche of events and the never ending question, "What else could possibly go wrong?".  It wasn't until last night's moments of disgust that I finally found some clarity.

We will be brutally honest here, because I have nothing to hide; Because how can I inspire anything if I were to leave questions? More so, I have always believed that "The Early Bird Gets The Worm" and in this case this dove is officially spreading her wings.

I learned something from my Grandmother a long time ago, To love with my whole heart and to give myself fully in anything that matters to me. I also learned from my Grandfather, not to "Bite The Hand That Feeds You"  and if they do, BITE BACK.

My Grandparents are complete and polar opposites from each other. My Grandfather, Strong, Makes choices based on emotion but level headed, has a strength in his demeanor.  My Grandmother, Caring, loving, would give the shirt off of her back and shoes off of her feet if simply asked, stubborn. It's funny, as long as I studied astrology, a Pisces and Leo were never meant to get a long, yet they married and My Grandmother is my Best Friend. I have invested in what they raised me with and became my own, doing everything I could to be sure I was the one they could be proud of. The one and only child that isn't still living at home for one reason or another, being the one who is employed, the one child who made something of their life, but most importantly the one child that at the very least they knew loved them for no reason other than just because I do.

I took everything they gave me and created the person you read before you.

In the near future you will read stories based loosely upon my life, others based on experiences I've witnessed, and wherever I choose to let my imagination take you, but before the fiction I want to let everyone in on who the conductor is.

I've dedicated my life to my Grandma, she gave hers for me, its what I've always known I wanted to do.
She and I have always had a certain language we speak to each other, one that only two people with our special bond would understand. In our household we grew up with powerful lungs and knew how to use them. It's how we got things done. Did we yell at each other? Most on the outside think that, but most didn't live with us or even understand us. A strong woman, A strong man raising a strong woman and two others who were unable to help themselves, strong voices held strong conversations.
It was something that My Grandma always said to me that made me understand outsiders, "Honey you know I love you, you speak my language and understand me like nobody else can, and nobody will ever understand us the way we do." I think of this when I hear people who feel they're entitled to an opinion speak about  us yet not to us. My Grandma comes from another time, from another place. Born in 1922 to a Father who loved her dearly and a Mother who ignored her and yelled at her anytime she got the chance, My Grandma was raised in what she calls  "The Sticks" and in the sticks people lived very differently than we do now. Her way of life was instilled in me from the moment she made my crib out of a dresser drawer.

Often I'm told that I have such a maternal instinct, or that I'm "such a grandma" and old soul, many would think that I would take these statements as insults, but they are probably the best compliments that I have ever been paid, because it means that my Grandma will always live in me as she should.

My heart became whole not at birth but at the moment she held me in her arms. At that moment her love became my own, I will always fight to be sure that she is taken care of and that she has everything she deserves, and if I lose relationships along the way because someone does not understand, so be it. My responsibility is to her First and foremost, and as my military Grandfather taught me, with every win will come at a cost, and when it comes to her I will lose everyone if it means I have My Everything.

Some think that it takes a lot out of a person to take care of the elderly, except that the only thing it really takes is love, and when she says "Your love keeps me alive" to me, I know that not only are our voices strong, so is our love.

*Dedicated to the only Mother I've ever truly known, to the woman who has held my hand through every horrific moment in my life, who cried with me and wiped my tears when I couldn't handle the pain. You are the reason I strive to be the person I am, the reason I want to wake up every morning, the one person who taught me how to love. I promised to give you the love you never had,  to give the love you've given me. You have always been the Golden to this Girl. I love you more than life itself, and I thank God every night that he gave me to you so that you could bring me to him. I love you, I love you, I love you.  

- Your little Mexican Girl