Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I Am The City On A Hill...

This will be the realest thing I ever wrote...

For those of you who follow me on twitter or instagram, and the select few on facebook, you will have seen that things have definitely done a 180 in the last few months for me.

I went through life with such a hard exterior, one so hard that the person inside was barred from coming out. I was unable to be the person I wanted to be, because I was occupied being the person I had to be in order to survive. Meanwhile Here I am stifling the person I am inside, it felt as if I was suffocating almost. The outside of me could not stand the cheerfulness and mushy lovey ways people would be, or their way over dramatic excitement for the smallest things. I always thought, don't these people know there's more to life than what they're all excited about?? While I wouldn't judge, my opinions of things were far from what anyone else thought.  While I'd have my moments, read my bible and speak about God, I always felt like some part of me was still lingering... Still trying to hold on to the survival skills I felt I needed...  I look back and see myself just as the way I was, Everything I already knew, just trying to break the habit but unable to.  And then One Night....

I heard him speak, there was no loud deep voice from above, it was from within. It eased my mind and soothed my soul... He gave me unquestioned answers, my soul did what felt like 360s in excitement, something I wasn't understanding, but I knew something was changing.  People are told all kinds of stories of how God works, or they have all of these ideas about pastors and how the people of God come to be. Many think you get this calling and its smooth sailing, some think that people are just born into families and that's what the entire family does, that they all come from the perfect middle America type families... Well I am here to tell you a very different accounting of this.

I was raised with God in my home, his words read to me every day and night, taught the same bedtime prayers every kid is taught and our family was very far from perfect. As we know by now My mother was nonexistent unless she needed something from us, a father who was an awful human being, an uncle who was almost killed by his wife and is now mentally disabled because of her. My life was anything but perfect growing up, I battled drug addicts, thieves, criminals and death every day, be it mine or my family's but I always knew that God was there, and wondering how much longer he would let it all go on for, and I sat down one night and I couldn't even think and I did what I always did when I felt this way, I opened the bible to a random page and found Job 36:21

Be on guard! Turn back from evil,
    for God sent this suffering
    to keep you from a life of evil.

He answered the question I had yet to ask, I couldn't even get the words or the thoughts out but he heard my heart. I became closer to him that day.

I made decisions based on what I thought he'd given me and I stuck to them the best way I could, they took me through times that were not some of my easiest but I did in fact learn a lot on the way. I was able to recognize he opened the doors, I just had to learn when it was time to shut them.

I finally learned that surrendering and forgiveness took more than just the words, it takes understanding and the ability to be able to make your heart feel it. My grandma always said.. " When you say your prayers ask Jesus to come into your heart" Well I mean I knew what it meant, but until now I didn't really grasp the concept she was trying to teach me. Truth be told it can't be taught, it can't be forced, the word is spoken and you have to make the choice to receive it. The moment I made the choice I realized life had just begun. 

Although I started the journey years ago, as a child even... It was recently that the easy road started presenting obstacles. I knew that when I made the choice to fully devote my life to God that I'd be attacked from all angles, I just never really expected them to be so subtle. It's taken great concentration to recognize it, but once I did I felt like I was constantly watching a fly waiting for it to land, always looking over my shoulder... I quickly began to realize, that I was allowing Satan to command me without even knowing it. The Road wasn't easy, I still have so much to experience. The one thing about this journey is that with every step God teaches me something, and gives me something new that he specifically left out.  I feel a peace that is calming and a calling that I can no longer silence. His voice speaks louder than any words can, and his presence is beyond amazing, it is magnificent.