And now I feel the tables have turned....
I have been waiting for the perfect time to tell my story, I figured it would be best for the book, I mean, they say that's where you pull people in... Mass production and $$$$ but today, I knew... Today was the day... No money, no oooh ahhh shock value... This is meant to shed some light on things in hopes that it allows...
In my last post I asked... How do you give the information without making it sound like some kind of movie... It didn't dawn on me then but now is the time....
I've always lived this life with questions and expectations even as a child, always feeling like there was something more, more than me.
When I was five years old, my Grandma and I were going through old pictures... There was a picture of my Mother, she was about Twenty-Four years old and my Grandma started to tell me about my conception... I know, I know... Odd that my Grandma would know that and share it with me at such a young age... Except it's not what you think...
When my mother was young she was born without the shut off from her bladder to her urethra, which meant that she would need to wear a urine bag her entire life. Along with this, she was also born without a uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries, with no chance to ever have children.
My Grandma was distraught, questioning how a child can be born this way... My Aunt who was heavily into church told my Grandma to go to church and have her prayed for, except that at this time Grandma wasn't as into church as she is now so this wasn't a instant reaction for her. She prayed, knelt down by her bed and prayed, prayed for Jesus to heal her baby girl, and that night my mother came in and told her she needed to use the restroom...
Grandma took her straight to the doctor and sure enough her bladder was normal, she had taken nothing for this, no surgeries were done, it was just healed, with no explanation from the doctors. While this was now in tact, her reproductive organs were not. It wasn't until 42 weeks before my birth that she would find out that she was no longer baron.
From the few people who know this about me, know that I tend to keep this to myself unless it needs to be known, I tend to get weird looks (as if I had anything to do with it) a multitude of questions, accusations against it... I'm sure you can imagine... However, the one reason why I don't tend to say anything is because I tend to get some who use the word miracle and take it way too far...
I am here to tell you that YES I am a miracle, I don't deny the power he has to change things miraculously in the blink of an eye, the issue I have is trying to make people understand that I am nothing more than a product of his grace and power, an example, someone to share his glory and to bare witness to this.
For the last 20 years, I haven't had a relationship with my mother because, she isn't the woman God created, she's distorted by years of drug use and bad decisions, with no responsibility for her actions... In recent years I tried to make amends with her, to reconcile. I have forgiven her actions against me, however the love that a daughter should have for her mother is long gone. I started noticing the actions, mannerisms, the way she would speak, it wasn't normal, people just don't act the way she does...
It was recently I started noticing an odd pattern with her, the last year, the times I would visit my Grandma, the feeling I get there is very unwelcoming, if i weren't a strong person by nature it probably would have really scared me...
I could never understand what I did, as a child what was it about me that she didn't want me... She gave me over to my Grandma when I was just 6 months old, my Grandfather asked for her to leave me with Grandma so that she could have a chance to change her life, she did without any hesitation. As I grew up, even though she would be around from time to time, it was like she was forced to spend time with me, felt nothing like a mother and child bond.
It wasn't until recently that I finally understood...
For years I prayed for God to make Grandma move with me up North, and one day... Grandma's water well went dry, and after estimates and information, it looked like drilling a new well was not an option, and practically financially impossible. God Finally set it in motion.... I just had to wait out the winter for the water to completely run dry and she would be here.
On Sunday I get a call from my Grandfather, just so that he could tell me that he sent her the money to drill deeper... It was like everything God had granted was just ripped out from under me. I immediately felt Satan all around it. My "Mother" called my Grandfather and said everything she could to make him feel guilty enough to pay for a new well.
I felt lost, empty and defeated until tonight.
Everything, every last question, I have an answer... While for so long I thought I had one, it was merely one answer leading me to THE answer...
I have spent the last twenty years with a feeling of anger and resentment consuming me, not able to forgive... Forgiveness... The one thing left that would keep me out of Heaven...
Could it have been Satan all along? Could he have been the one who made her baron, simply because he knew she would give birth to me? Is this why she is the way she is towards my Grandmother, because my Grandmother is the one who instilled God into my life?
I could never understand why she treated me the way she did, why she was always so against me...
Until tonight.
For the first time in my life, I could hear the fear in my Grandma's voice. She has always been my guarantee, my way of knowing that Heaven is real and how I know that paths are set. But tonight, it wasn't until I heard the fear in her voice that I knew how real everything really was. I know Heaven is real, I know Satan is more real now than he has ever been and in that moment I became safe. I knew then that Jesus saved me simply by having me tell my Grandmother this exact same thing. She cried, not because she was afraid any longer but because she knew that she was safe and that He has not left her and that she now knows what she needs to do to make sure she's as close to Jesus as she's ever been...
I never thought that I would be saving her. And Never would I think that I would be sitting here praying for my Mother to be saved. But I Am...
Having a relationship that I've had with Jesus for as long as I've had, I didn't think anything would surprise me because I believe in everything that he is, yet he continues to amaze me with how he works in me.
Just as with Jesus, Satan's objectives and the power he has is just as real, the weak and the strong would waver in the presence of this, but my faith is everlasting and know my place among the father in his Kingdom.
I've made this sound like another epic storyline, except for the fact that this isn't a "What's going to happen" This is my testimonial as to what has already happened ...
If you have ever once spoken to me then you know, that my faith in God is as strong as it can be, that I can attest to his miracles and his blessings; If you haven't ever spoke to me, I ask you not to believe me, but to seek him out and he will show you your own blessings...
'Walk by Faith, Not by Sight"
