Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Love Lost...

I have no idea where to begin ....

Going into this year I knew that it would be life changing... It was the year I would hit 30, my first brush with my own mortality, and realization about where I would be at in life. The thought of my baptism gave me hope that any fears I had going into the year would disappear afterwards.

In February My entire world crashed down before my eyes. I have no way of truly expressing the emotion I felt. Working in Oncology I hear cancer I don't think of it as the end of everything, there's treatment, there's options... There's hope. But when you hear the word cancer and you look in the eyes of your Ninety Year Old Grandmother and know that those options do not apply, things become very different. I watched her eyes smile knowing why but understanding wasn't something I could wrap my head around... not then. Facing this not once but twice really just ate away at me. I never thought I'd actually ever have to face life without her. I know it sounds crazy, but the faith this woman instilled in me just really made me believe she and I would be together forever. Though I know she's with me always... The ability to have ridiculous conversations with her, to listen to her outrageous logic, to hear her call me her sweetheart, honey, to say that she loved me... It's been difficult not being able to hear that. Not looking into her merciful and loving blue eyes, it's one of the most difficult things I face on a daily basis.... But then by night fall, I close my eyes and there she is. She lets no time go by where she doesn't grace me with her presence. It's because of this I am able to keep moving forward.

Knowing that Grandma would not be at my baptism practically killed me... I had so much put into it for her, being able to continue with it was something I really had to come to terms with. Because Although I wanted to do it in a way that showed my love and appreciation for her, I had to remember why I was getting baptized. This was the highlight of my entire year... And probably will be for my entire life. This day meant more to me than anything I had ever experienced. The emotion, the love, the calming I felt as I began to walk down the aisle and into the water was so overwhelming, that I felt I lost consciousness... I was no longer in the presence of this world... I could feel nothing but the love of Jesus with a hint of Grandma's around me and it was that moment that I knew my life officially changed forever. Life has been a whirlwind since then; I've lost friends, friends I thought would be with me throughout the rest of my life, which at one point I took personally but then I realized that, this life I am embarking on is not something everyone is going to be able to grasp. I chose to live my life for the Lord, and although I don't want anyone to turn from him, and I'd like to do as much as I can to bring his children to him, I know that I am merely a vessel, I am only here to plant his seed it is up to me to trust in him to water it.

I've ended an 11 year friendship which was my longest standing relationship that basically helped form my young adulthood. Though I was not married the end result has felt nothing short of a divorce and it's been the biggest test I've had to deal with thus far. For those who know me, or have seen my writings... I love love... I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in Love and for the last 10 years of my life, I devoted myself to that Love. It didn't matter what I gave up, it didn't matter to me what needed to be sacrificed because this love was my everything. I watched my Grandma stay married to a man who she never saw, a man who on his best days was grouchy but she stuck to him because she believed in Love. I watched her sacrifice everything for me because she loved me. I grew to keep this as a value in my life and I was no different. I applied this to everything in my life. You want to know why I go so hard for my Raiders, Kings... Why I become defensive for certain celebrities ... That is why. To me love was something you defend, its what you go to war for if necessary, and I did... on too many occasions. I believed that my devotion to this love was enough to make everything right.  I wasn't wrong... I was just in the wrong place.  It was one night a year and a half ago I stopped and I looked at my life... I opened my bible for answers and there it was... Grandma didn't believe in Love... she believed in HIS LOVE. She gave herself away for the Love that Jesus gave to her, and for the love he wanted her to give.  All this time I was throwing my love in the wrong direction. I never knew HIS LOVE before, I had it in me all along, its was dwelling there I just wasn't aware of where it came from. I knew then what love was... I knew it was beyond me... I found that Love I had always dreamed of. It wasn't from a fairy tale, it wasn't something some guy was going to give me, no.... It was there lying in my heart all along. I knew then it was time to stop searching, to stop stressing over a love that I had finally found. My worries, My pain, My anxiety... was lifted and disappeared.
I endured a lot through this relationship and though I am saddened by the fact that a person I devoted so much time to chose to do everything but when it came to me, I know what must be done will be. I will not stand for or allow anyone to disrespect the love God gave me to share, or the heart that sits within this body because it is no longer mine... No this body, heart and soul lies within the body of the Lord now.
Again, It's hard losing people whom you thought would be in your life forever... and as you can see I've lost some major roles in my life this year, and though loss of any kind is not easy, I know that with death comes life... With every ending there is a new beginning. I know that he is the Alpha and the Omega and what was will be again. My faith is in the hands of my ever loving Lord Jesus Christ, no safer place than that.

Although I feel broken down, though I feel like I am lost, though I feel at an end... I find refuge, I find shelter in his presence. 

This year with all that I have lost, in this I have found peace. 


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Open Letter....

Where do I begin....

As you have seen in the video I just posted... The last few weeks were a bit interesting... ups and downs, trials and blessings...

Tonight I want to talk to you about who I am ...

I recently have had time to reflect, not because I wanted to necessarily but I think my subconscious just felt it was time to. This grieving process has been absolutely mind boggling. I am not experiencing things the way one normally would and it has left me a bit amiss. I have had one of the most pleasant experiences internally during this process but maybe it's because that's exactly what I'm doing, I'm grieving.... not mourning...
The only sadness I feel is more of the fact that I really miss being able to hear Grandma say " I love you" in the way that she would... It's funny, I actually hear her in me when I tell Jaxson that I love him... I say it in the same way, but it wasn't until last night that I noticed it. I've also noticed that my sneezes and laugh is the same, something I never caught before now. Maybe it's because I want to hear these things or maybe it really is the same, either way I'm happy with it. It's things like this that keep me happy, that keep my heart from wanting to cry tears of sadness, and in turn produce tears of happiness.

I love Grandma more than words will ever be able to express, so instead I chose to keep her memory alive. To share the memories I have of her, to share her with the world. I feel so selfish to have been the one person that had this bond with her. She loved her family, Next to Jesus it was the one thing she cared about most, but she and I had something that was different, something that transcends Heaven and Earth, Life and Death. I remember following her passing a dear friend of mine sent me words of love... The one thing I remember mostly from it was, "I've never known anyone else to be so lucky as to have someone so deeply kind and loving in their life, Every day with her was a blessing, and everyday forward will be a guided journey"  These words were spot on, they are the words that help guide me when I think of sharing her with others.  I think of the many people out there who have never felt a love like hers, she was the love that exemplified Jesus' love for us. There is not a bone in my body that will allow me to keep this for myself.  

But others saw this differently and felt I was letting the situation consume me, and when I became aware of these feelings it gave me pause... I felt out of sorts... not because I felt it was true, but more because, my heart hurt for them. That they could not see I come from love, not depression. It sat with me for a while, and it knocked me down. This was a moment I would go to Grandma and talk about, to pick me up. She's the only one who could make me feel right, the only one who had the right words.  I moved on, business as usual and then....

A friend of mine I've known since I was in the fourth grade and I were catching up one day and she said "How have you been, you seem happy" It was a statement like that, that took me out of my uneasiness. Where some see consumption, others see the light... others see the love... Grandma's light is shining through and I'm wearing the love of Jesus on my sleeve.

I have a difficult time with sharing myself verbally... Not because I don't always have the words I need, but more so because public speaking is something that spikes my anxiety.  I can go on 2 hours talking about Jesus because as I begin, he takes over me, its not me. Most of the time I go into it just winging it, or there are times I have things written down to talk about and never mention it. But to lead a prayer... I just can't do it, I have no idea why, I mean I can pray, but its the aloud part that gets me. Every Wednesday I have such major anxiety before Seven O'clock hits and I hit "broadcast" and then... like that! It's gone.  It once came to a point where I felt like if nobody was listening, or if I say something wrong... what's the point...? But then I remember... If just one person hears me, if just what God uses me for helps one person come to Jesus... then my anxiety will need to take a back seat. 
If I stifle myself, then I stifle Grandma, and what Jesus has done for us in our lives, and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I want to encourage you all, to take that step... Whatever you're facing, whatever your struggles, whatever it is that gives you anxiety... set it aside. Because you have something to teach someone...You are the factor that will change someone's life in ways you can't even understand.  Don't care what anyone else thinks or feels about what you do... because when you bring someone to Jesus... God is happy with you. God is proud of you, and when you feel that, all that anxiety and second guessing is gone.

If you have had a difficult time, a difficult life, If you are at a point that you don't know what there is left for you, but you need a change... I ask you to open your heart, let down your walls and pray this prayer....  I ask you all to pray this prayer...

Lord, I am not worthy of your love but you still love me.
I am broken, I am at an end, I have nothing left in me.
Lord, I need you, I need you to come in to my heart, to change my life.
Forgive me of my sins Lord, save my soul.
I give my life to you Lord Jesus.
I surrender myself to you Lord, all of my worries, all of my trials, I give it all to you.
I believe that all things can be done through you, that you are my savior.
Come into my heart Jesus...

If you prayed that prayer, I want to congratulate you... Letting Jesus into your heart is the first step towards a life of purpose, a life full of unconditional Love. Your life before does not define you, your life before this moment is your testimony on how you came to Jesus, to help others who have walked a similar path as you to relate to Jesus. Don't be afraid to speak of your walk with Jesus to others, you plant the seed and he will water it.  

I welcome you all to share your stories with me. Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, messages, comments below... however, I want to share your stories as well. We are his church! Lets bring Jesus to the masses!

I will see you all next week! Dont Forget To Pray!


Thursday, September 19, 2013

Euphoric Epiphany

Euphoric Epiphany

I can feel the chill as the wind blows across my shoulders,
As the hair raises along my arms and perks my spine I,
Close my eyes and take a deep breath,
Spinning in circles towards the sound,
The sound that succumbed to death. 

Inhaling I fill my lungs, I,
Exhale and find that it's not oxygen but the spirit that's filled my body,
A resurgence runs through me, and the soul is free, 
Pain no longer controls the decisions the heart makes,
Walking in grace, I see the vision of that face, as I feel the embrace.

Submerged in love, 
The past is buried,
Your blessings pour down from above,
I vowed to live my life for you, this commitment I marry.

Following in footsteps that graced the Earth,
I walk with purpose, to go beyond the surface,
To sights unseen, shining the way, that lights the day.

Sacrifice made, that paved the way, 
To Share the news of an empty tomb,
Blessed are those who hear and loved are those who fear.

Bowed in your presence, I'm raised as righteous,
Reminiscing in your words I, 
Am called to another time, reminding me that I am yours,
And you are mine.

Beyond a Memory, your body rose,
Blessed am I the one you chose,
Your promises kept, this fact I have come to accept,
As my soul rejoices in truth it wept.

Lives have been saved, Your purpose served ,
Mistakes have been forgiven, 
For my life I owe you everything,
but above all things for this... is Eternity...

The pain you bared, pleading to God to leave you spared,
For me you would suffer, In this life you would even have to die,
But because of your Love and Grace, I will forever be your bride.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Jesus > Religion Review

        I was selected to receive an advanced copy of  "Jesus > Religion: Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough" by famed spoken word poet Jefferson Bethke, who is famously known for his video "Why I Hate Religion But Love Jesus",  in order to write a review on my opinion of the book.  I have to say I had a very biased opinion going in, I was pre-ordering my copy on Amazon anticipating its arrival October 7th, but I am also very critical when it comes to this subject so I also went in with a very intense eye on how Jesus would be portrayed, and once I start to read it I found that it was very different to how I imagined. Jefferson dives in on many issues that people are afraid to speak on. Sins such as lust, greed, homosexuality, he even touched on gluttony and I can't think of the last time anyone even considered that as a sin. He speaks a lot about the fundamentalist, he breaks down different era's of Christians or religions if you will, and though some may not love his interpretation of them it's very interesting to see the younger generation's view on those who have carried this torch for so long.  I am a young adult who was raised by a woman who taught me the bible, I did not grow up in church but WITH it, and I found myself lumped into the fundamentalist group. I was in no way offended by this, matter of fact it made me look at my view how I am living with Jesus. I found myself disagreeing with his views at times, but in that I found myself reflecting on where my views are and how I can improve them in Jesus. 

    Jefferson talks about the church quite often although the title and his videos may lead you to believe otherwise, "We can't say we love Jesus and not the church because that's like cutting off someone's body and saying you love a decapitated head. That's gross. And it'ts weird.To love someone and know that person fully, you must know their entire self." The church is a part of Jesus, and we are the church. I have long believed that a church while it is important to have somewhere you can worship, it is us his children who make up the church. We are his vessel and if we are not speaking for him there is nowhere for him to go, Jefferson has done a fine job at getting this point across. 

       Many may feel he goes back and forth on certain subjects, us fundamentalists who hold certain topics with a little more high regard may find his opinions offensive but I think that's the point. We all come from different walks of life, different areas of Christianity, and when reading I found myself saying, "I'm fascinated by his view and where he came from, and how Jesus brought him to where he is now." It's a fascinating testimony of sin, morals, idolatry and love. 

      We were created to love each other, Jesus while mighty in his power came to us with love in his heart, and mercy on our souls, this is the message that Jefferson is trying to send to the masses, the message that Jesus has called us all to share. We are called to do so much more than to be beaten down by rules. He is right, once you have began your relationship with him, he calls your life out of despair and into marvelous things, and soon those rules are no longer something to be beat down by they are love. 

      I would hope while reading the average person picks up his message, the message of Love. The bible is God's love letter to us, and this is Jefferson's love letter to not just God, but God's children as well. I myself have identified with many if not ninety-seven percent of Jefferson's walk and though some of my outcomes have been a bit different, the end result has been the same. As he says, If just one person reads this book and it opens them up to Jesus then it would be worth it, Jefferson, I commend you because, with that one book you may feed millions just  as Jesus did with his few little fish and his seven loaves of bread to the 4,000. 


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Update - Jesus > Religion Street Team!

Hello everyone!!

It's been forever I know, between the baptism, what I've been through the last few months, and my book I've had no time to give you anything.. My many apologies!

I am here to announce....
I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BE A PART OF JEFFERSON BETHKE'S STREET TEAM TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK "Jesus > Religion Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough"

I am more than excited to spread the word on this. As you all know, I have had a strong stand point on focusing on relationships and how our relationship with Jesus is the point of Christianity, not "Religion." This man went and took it to another level, with 25,686,039 views on Youtube. Following his videos and social media, I believe in this man because of his message. I stand behind it 100%!

If you don't know who he is .... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!  He was introduced to the world when his spoken word video "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus" hit social media. And now the companion to this video, an in depth book is ready for release! Do yourself a favor AND GET THIS BOOK! It is set for release on October 7th, 2013, you can pre order on Amazon and on Jefferson's website now! See video below.

Please help me in spreading the word! I will be updating soon with my review of the book! GOD IS WORKING IN AMAZING WAYS!

See my new update video below

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


I know.... It's been a while...

I've been working diligently on my book as well as the new chapter in my life... As I've mentioned before I have made the decision to be baptized in July, trying to make arrangements and focus on the book have been number 1 priorities. In the midst of all of this, I have seen my world practically crumble all at once.

I was left feeling lost, out of place and out of sorts. Everything I've ever known is not the same, and everything I've ever believed in is now being tested. It's amazing the amount of strength one has when they feel like nothing is left. A lot of people may take that moment and give up, I on the other hand became the mother whose child was stuck under a burning car. My mind went into survival mode, shut everything off, set everything aside and PUSH.

It's safe to say that 2013 did NOT start off the way 2012 did that's for sure. I have come far enough in this life to understand that NOTHING is by coincidence, nothing is by chance rather by divine intervention. God's plan is never just about us, it's a combined effort. WE have our idea and he has his, we can hope the two coincide with each other but I've found that ... All my GREAT big dreams and goals were nothing compared to what he sees in me, I was really selling myself short, and believe me when I say I was aiming pretty high in those goals.  The problem with my goals were, they were only about ME. I have sat here and written about so many different relationship issues, spoke about how selfish people can be and how that can ruin a relationship... Never realizing that in my own relationship with God, I was being selfish, but once I did I could see how I was selling myself short.

I continue to learn more about myself and where my faith is going every day, and with it my life.
I'm not here to shove my beliefs down your throat, that's not me. I have had a moment of clarity, I have them a lot more often than I used to.  My life is changing and its happening so fast, that all of the things that irritate me, that try and  hold me back almost don't even effect me any longer.  I am beyond happy and ready to bring all of the good news that follows.  Until we meet again...


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Granting Grandma's Final Wishes

I come to you with all that I am, in order to pour out my heart and down on my knees to beg for any assistance anyone may be able to give.
My Grandmother was diagnosed with Malignant Metastatic Cancer on February 9th and in just 10 days she only has a short time left.  Looking back on my life with her I can’t imagine how someone who has lived such a long life would wake up one day with such an awful disgusting disease. She’s fought heart issues, strokes, not to mention a life that was not easy. The woman bared 5 children and has outlived all but two. Her lineage is extraordinary going all the way down to Great great grandchildren. She took in anything that walked past her door, be it a stray animal or a lost soul with no questions asked, and nothing in return. She took the path that Jesus did, her grace and mercy were nothing short of what he taught her, and while I almost never agreed with these decisions she did it anyway. You see she took me in when I was just 6 months old and raised me as a daughter, not a grandchild. She’s the only thing in this world that matters anything to me and it kills me to think I can’t do ONE thing for her after she’s served her life for others.

I am here to ask for your Grace and mercy, to donate what you can be it a dollar, or more… or simply spreading the word for me. Our family would appreciate this more than you know. I will say Thank You in advance and may God bless you and your family.

To Donate just click here. Anyone with paypal account can donate through this site, if you do not have a paypal account you can also donate to the

Varela Memorial Services (checks also payable to)
Through Bank of America
Account # 325010080452


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I Am The City On A Hill...

This will be the realest thing I ever wrote...

For those of you who follow me on twitter or instagram, and the select few on facebook, you will have seen that things have definitely done a 180 in the last few months for me.

I went through life with such a hard exterior, one so hard that the person inside was barred from coming out. I was unable to be the person I wanted to be, because I was occupied being the person I had to be in order to survive. Meanwhile Here I am stifling the person I am inside, it felt as if I was suffocating almost. The outside of me could not stand the cheerfulness and mushy lovey ways people would be, or their way over dramatic excitement for the smallest things. I always thought, don't these people know there's more to life than what they're all excited about?? While I wouldn't judge, my opinions of things were far from what anyone else thought.  While I'd have my moments, read my bible and speak about God, I always felt like some part of me was still lingering... Still trying to hold on to the survival skills I felt I needed...  I look back and see myself just as the way I was, Everything I already knew, just trying to break the habit but unable to.  And then One Night....

I heard him speak, there was no loud deep voice from above, it was from within. It eased my mind and soothed my soul... He gave me unquestioned answers, my soul did what felt like 360s in excitement, something I wasn't understanding, but I knew something was changing.  People are told all kinds of stories of how God works, or they have all of these ideas about pastors and how the people of God come to be. Many think you get this calling and its smooth sailing, some think that people are just born into families and that's what the entire family does, that they all come from the perfect middle America type families... Well I am here to tell you a very different accounting of this.

I was raised with God in my home, his words read to me every day and night, taught the same bedtime prayers every kid is taught and our family was very far from perfect. As we know by now My mother was nonexistent unless she needed something from us, a father who was an awful human being, an uncle who was almost killed by his wife and is now mentally disabled because of her. My life was anything but perfect growing up, I battled drug addicts, thieves, criminals and death every day, be it mine or my family's but I always knew that God was there, and wondering how much longer he would let it all go on for, and I sat down one night and I couldn't even think and I did what I always did when I felt this way, I opened the bible to a random page and found Job 36:21

Be on guard! Turn back from evil,
    for God sent this suffering
    to keep you from a life of evil.

He answered the question I had yet to ask, I couldn't even get the words or the thoughts out but he heard my heart. I became closer to him that day.

I made decisions based on what I thought he'd given me and I stuck to them the best way I could, they took me through times that were not some of my easiest but I did in fact learn a lot on the way. I was able to recognize he opened the doors, I just had to learn when it was time to shut them.

I finally learned that surrendering and forgiveness took more than just the words, it takes understanding and the ability to be able to make your heart feel it. My grandma always said.. " When you say your prayers ask Jesus to come into your heart" Well I mean I knew what it meant, but until now I didn't really grasp the concept she was trying to teach me. Truth be told it can't be taught, it can't be forced, the word is spoken and you have to make the choice to receive it. The moment I made the choice I realized life had just begun. 

Although I started the journey years ago, as a child even... It was recently that the easy road started presenting obstacles. I knew that when I made the choice to fully devote my life to God that I'd be attacked from all angles, I just never really expected them to be so subtle. It's taken great concentration to recognize it, but once I did I felt like I was constantly watching a fly waiting for it to land, always looking over my shoulder... I quickly began to realize, that I was allowing Satan to command me without even knowing it. The Road wasn't easy, I still have so much to experience. The one thing about this journey is that with every step God teaches me something, and gives me something new that he specifically left out.  I feel a peace that is calming and a calling that I can no longer silence. His voice speaks louder than any words can, and his presence is beyond amazing, it is magnificent.