Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Love Lost...

I have no idea where to begin ....

Going into this year I knew that it would be life changing... It was the year I would hit 30, my first brush with my own mortality, and realization about where I would be at in life. The thought of my baptism gave me hope that any fears I had going into the year would disappear afterwards.

In February My entire world crashed down before my eyes. I have no way of truly expressing the emotion I felt. Working in Oncology I hear cancer I don't think of it as the end of everything, there's treatment, there's options... There's hope. But when you hear the word cancer and you look in the eyes of your Ninety Year Old Grandmother and know that those options do not apply, things become very different. I watched her eyes smile knowing why but understanding wasn't something I could wrap my head around... not then. Facing this not once but twice really just ate away at me. I never thought I'd actually ever have to face life without her. I know it sounds crazy, but the faith this woman instilled in me just really made me believe she and I would be together forever. Though I know she's with me always... The ability to have ridiculous conversations with her, to listen to her outrageous logic, to hear her call me her sweetheart, honey, to say that she loved me... It's been difficult not being able to hear that. Not looking into her merciful and loving blue eyes, it's one of the most difficult things I face on a daily basis.... But then by night fall, I close my eyes and there she is. She lets no time go by where she doesn't grace me with her presence. It's because of this I am able to keep moving forward.

Knowing that Grandma would not be at my baptism practically killed me... I had so much put into it for her, being able to continue with it was something I really had to come to terms with. Because Although I wanted to do it in a way that showed my love and appreciation for her, I had to remember why I was getting baptized. This was the highlight of my entire year... And probably will be for my entire life. This day meant more to me than anything I had ever experienced. The emotion, the love, the calming I felt as I began to walk down the aisle and into the water was so overwhelming, that I felt I lost consciousness... I was no longer in the presence of this world... I could feel nothing but the love of Jesus with a hint of Grandma's around me and it was that moment that I knew my life officially changed forever. Life has been a whirlwind since then; I've lost friends, friends I thought would be with me throughout the rest of my life, which at one point I took personally but then I realized that, this life I am embarking on is not something everyone is going to be able to grasp. I chose to live my life for the Lord, and although I don't want anyone to turn from him, and I'd like to do as much as I can to bring his children to him, I know that I am merely a vessel, I am only here to plant his seed it is up to me to trust in him to water it.

I've ended an 11 year friendship which was my longest standing relationship that basically helped form my young adulthood. Though I was not married the end result has felt nothing short of a divorce and it's been the biggest test I've had to deal with thus far. For those who know me, or have seen my writings... I love love... I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in Love and for the last 10 years of my life, I devoted myself to that Love. It didn't matter what I gave up, it didn't matter to me what needed to be sacrificed because this love was my everything. I watched my Grandma stay married to a man who she never saw, a man who on his best days was grouchy but she stuck to him because she believed in Love. I watched her sacrifice everything for me because she loved me. I grew to keep this as a value in my life and I was no different. I applied this to everything in my life. You want to know why I go so hard for my Raiders, Kings... Why I become defensive for certain celebrities ... That is why. To me love was something you defend, its what you go to war for if necessary, and I did... on too many occasions. I believed that my devotion to this love was enough to make everything right.  I wasn't wrong... I was just in the wrong place.  It was one night a year and a half ago I stopped and I looked at my life... I opened my bible for answers and there it was... Grandma didn't believe in Love... she believed in HIS LOVE. She gave herself away for the Love that Jesus gave to her, and for the love he wanted her to give.  All this time I was throwing my love in the wrong direction. I never knew HIS LOVE before, I had it in me all along, its was dwelling there I just wasn't aware of where it came from. I knew then what love was... I knew it was beyond me... I found that Love I had always dreamed of. It wasn't from a fairy tale, it wasn't something some guy was going to give me, no.... It was there lying in my heart all along. I knew then it was time to stop searching, to stop stressing over a love that I had finally found. My worries, My pain, My anxiety... was lifted and disappeared.
I endured a lot through this relationship and though I am saddened by the fact that a person I devoted so much time to chose to do everything but when it came to me, I know what must be done will be. I will not stand for or allow anyone to disrespect the love God gave me to share, or the heart that sits within this body because it is no longer mine... No this body, heart and soul lies within the body of the Lord now.
Again, It's hard losing people whom you thought would be in your life forever... and as you can see I've lost some major roles in my life this year, and though loss of any kind is not easy, I know that with death comes life... With every ending there is a new beginning. I know that he is the Alpha and the Omega and what was will be again. My faith is in the hands of my ever loving Lord Jesus Christ, no safer place than that.

Although I feel broken down, though I feel like I am lost, though I feel at an end... I find refuge, I find shelter in his presence. 

This year with all that I have lost, in this I have found peace. 


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