Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hearts Held Tight

Once again I've found myself outside of my comfort zone, but rather than avoiding it the time has come to finally just confront it.

I've been very quiet for the most part about my personal life simply because though I may not be a celebrity, we all have those people who try to invade your life as if you are one, and I'm not one to feed anyone, and for some odd years without even knowing it I was like a soup kitchen to those who refused to take my silence and starve.

At this point it doesn't make a difference anymore because this is MY life and the way I choose to handle it empowers me and nobody else.

I have spent the last 9 years of my life with a man who has changed my life in ways I would never have imagined... The man I knew is not the person I know now... Unfortunately.
I've always devoted my life to the people I love, to the extent that if I gave the very last piece of me I'd find a way to make more just so that I was able to give whatever was needed but in the end even then it wasn't enough. The thing we tend to forget is that no matter what your all is, it will never be enough to feed the greed.

Trying to explain yourself over and over again, trying to understand why someone would be so heartless towards someone who gave their all and then some ... At some point you have to stop asking why...

Nightmares night after night... they've turned into different realities, always trying to interpret one dream for a situation in your life, the lines become blurred and just all become one in the same. A man who told you nobody could have his heart because you already have it... Come to find out apparently just like a cat has 9 lives so he has hearts...
Problem being that when he started handing them out he forgot to keep a piece for himself.

Maybe that isn't the fairest of things to say, because by saying that meant he cared enough about someone to provide that, and a passing opportunity isn't exactly worth his heart let alone a piece of it, so let this be a lesson to the ones who get ran over in his path. It's heart wrenching to find out that you were nothing more than a 9 year marathon and that you were the path and not the participant.

I take away nothing more than a lesson learned, no regrets, because as I said he has changed my life and believe it or not for the better.... Because of him I learned to value the life I've lived because it pushed me above that... Everything I've endured in my life made me strong enough today to assess the situation and handle it.

If there is anything I would hope a man would take from this is, it would be to please do not ignore her. If you value her at all don't give her empty promises, or empty words. Even if you know its not what you think she wants to hear... BE HONEST WITH HER no matter what it is, allow her the respect to make choices for herself. When she gives her all be thankful, not disrespectful, she is not just someone who SHOULD be there, she chooses to be there because of her love for you, because no matter your actions or attitude she feels that her love alone should be enough and its the only thing that matters..

I want to be very clear on this... this is MY life ... once again MY life and it is from my point of view... It's been difficult to be able to be there for others and offer them tips on how to keep their relationships in tact all the while they work for everyone else it seems I'm the 1% that it wasn't meant for.
The girl next door, the strong and assertive, the passive, the caring, the girl who can handle herself in any male setting while still able to be the woman he needs her to be.... understanding, loving... apparently something was still missing in there, whatever it was it clearly was beyond me.

Through the ups and downs he will have forever have changed my life, nothing can take that away from him... Probably the Love of my life... however the love of my life was filled with excuse after excuse and though he will probably be angry and upset once he reads it, it will only be because he pushed it off for so long and refused to see it before the rest of the world...

I finally bid you a bittersweet farewell ... The incessant lack of respect was too much to handle, it was more than my heart could cover for any longer... So here I sit with a different lease on life, will I love again? Not like this I'm sure... Will he? maybe but in the back of his mind he'll always know that the comparison will never be the same... It's hard to compare Love with anything else.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Offensive Line

I am at the moment filled with the words that need to be said but without the way to lay them down...
I'm never at a loss for words but recently, I don't know, I've been at a loss of... rationalizations.

We get hit and knocked down and it's tough to get back up, even for the strongest of people, it's a funny thing about love, it may just be one of the most dangerous drugs there is...

I've learned so much in the last 12 years, see I, as I've said before, I love hard, I'm a hopeless romantic and I believe in Love and so in that I've loved and lost, and hurt in some of the worst ways possible... But still I am here.

We rely a lot on what others feel, or think, to the point that we let that stop us from relying on our own intuition, or our own common sense, and feelings.

There are many reasons that relationships don't work, many to me that are just excuses to be very honest, but some ... that are just misunderstood.

Heartache is an emotion that was given to us just like Love, unfortunately, you take one you get the other... Now it may not be major heartache and some may say that yours is nothing compared to theirs which will probably be true.. but you will always have both at least to some capacity. This is not something to be worried about, because if you are like me... It takes a lot to be forgiving, but when you love someone, you love them whole heart and soul and that's all it takes to forgive. I spend my day looking back on the happiness that led me to where I am, and though I may not be in the brightest place at the moment, the road that led me there was radiant.

You have to weigh the good and the bad, for me short of something catastrophic, the good always outweighs the bad. The pain will subside...

I do my best to give the best advice I can, but the best advice I think I've ever given is "take only your own advice, because at the end of the day only you know your situation" Yes its great to have feedback from others but at the end of the day its your life and nobody can live it for you.

Let me give you this one piece of advice, if you take anything with you from this post; Let yourself love, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, outsiders, friends, family or even the other person you're in the relationship with... Let yourself love its okay to do that!

I stopped writing here last night, I needed to really reflect on what I was trying to say with the intent I originally envisioned.

Remember to love yourself before you try to love anyone else, because 9 times out of 10 its more than likely lust; Once you love yourself there are no questions after that. If you do not know how to love yourself how do you know if you're loving the other?
Settle for nothing other than what you want in life, if that means that the love you share with someone isn't exactly understandable to anyone else.... guess what... GOOD NEWS! ITS NOT THEIR LIFE!

I can say that without a doubt, what makes me happy is the man in my life, things will never be perfect, but he keeps me centered, probably without even knowing it. Yes, I complain about this that and the other, but if you know me, I COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING, because I'm usually bored, rest assured that with every complaint I know that there is nobody else worth it to me. My happiest moments in life are with him or because of him and any day of the week I know that's worth more than first place and gold. Will he understand that? Will anyone else? No, I doubt it, because this is me, my feelings and how I live, I live for me. What matters is, you understanding that, and enough to make that your focus, allowing yourself to feel all that comes with it and grow.

We don't always get our prince charming, or the Love we try to keep, and there might come a time when you have to sit back and say... I've given my all, and at least I know that I tried and at the end it just wasn't right....

Should this time come for you, you have to remember that it truly is not the end of the world. Would it kill me to lose my life? Yes... I've spent every day eating, sleeping, breathing this love.. so yes it would be as if the wind was knocked out of me, but I will breathe again...
Love is in you, not someone else... Allow yourself to love and someone will gravitate towards it, I promise. Take the time to get back to you, to remember who you are outside of someone else, whether you're with someone, or not... take that time, and the Love will find you again...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A Legacy To Commit To

I went into this game ready for a win, with the hopes that we were going to ride these emotions not just today but all the way to a Super Bowl win. Through the first two quarters I couldn’t understand where the emotions were, it was as if they had tucked them away and it was business as usual, but then I realized, the sorrow was showing, they mourned and the 2nd half they fought!

Two years ago, I could not fathom the idea of not only keeping Huff, but giving him the contact we did.. He had done nothing to prove he deserved to be here in my eyes… He came out the following year and made sure he at least showed why he wanted to be here…
Through all of the interviews yesterday, each and every person said they didn’t know how, Al made choices and only he knew why, but he was always right…
Huff today proved exactly that today. Even if Huff does nothing else in his career, he was meant to be here today, for this game alone, for that pick alone, for that win to make sure to secure that win.

I was never able to feel an actual Superbowl win, I’ve experienced the presence but never the win… Today I can say I have, though it may not be the game that presents a ring, It gave me something I’ve wanted for so long. I am all about a moral victory, and many of you think that morals isn’t something that would be in the same sentence as the Raiders, but this is where I correct you… Al cared about this team, HIS WHOLE HEART WAS THIS GAME AND THIS TEAM to have seen what we did today would have given him the same feeling I believe, at the very least the faith in knowing we’re going all the way!

Mark Davis will never be his father, but seeing him in his seat and the emotion in his face gave me some hope in the fact that he is motivated to continue to win, continue to be Committed to Excellence.
With the likes of possibly John Madden, and others being considered to help scout and run player operations hopefully (Tim Brown, Fred Biletnikoff) and Mark and Amy working together on the business end, there should be no reason we don’t take Al’s dream and go all the way…

I saw a post from a friend that said… “Everyone said the Raiders wouldn’t do anything as long as Al was alive… If that’s the case you should all be scared now” I could not have said it better myself. The man left his mark, and now we will take that and thrive in it!

I can’t think of anyone who exemplified excellence more than Al and we are more committed than ever to it.

A win is a win, it does not have to be pretty… JUST WIN BABY!


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Love on Top

Today I witnessed a man in what looked to be an over sized dirty worn out jacket it looked as if it had been run over by ten trucks, pants that barely covered his ankles. I sat in my car watching as he dug through the trash, and he looked as if he was frustrated finding small plastic bottles but very few. I meant to get out of the car to give him some change but when I looked back up he was gone...

I walked out of the restaurant I was in about 15 minutes later and did not see him. I am usually the person that says, the guy with the sign probably makes a living off of this as a con, or they just want it for drugs or beer...
I felt something this time, I asked the Lord, if he is truly in need, Lord show me him again...
I didnt see him... I was on my way and a ways down the street I happened to look to my left and I saw him walking ... He was walking without his bag, I made a quick turn and drove up next to him... "Excuse me sir, I'm not sure of the proper way to do this, he slowly walked up to my window, I stretched my hand out and gave him a $10.00 bill...

I have been in the midst of turmoil without even realizing it, I was losing myself and couldn't understand what was going wrong, what had I done?? I was asking the wrong questions.

When the day had turned into night, it was as if I hadn't realized ... There hadn't been any light as of late, conversations were just that and nothing more, falling into what was a bottomless pit it felt as if I had already hit the end though it continued. Not able to grasp at anything not even the truth, I found the light.

I had seen the darkness before, but only in dreams... I was starting to see it all around me now, though I hadn't seen it this way before I knew immediately what it was. I was being attacked from within, like a microwave it was cooking my heart to the point it was going to explode, or maybe it had, but I saw the love that was around me and it mended.

You can love many people, although people break your heart, its not impossible to fix. We were meant to love, God is Love, to know him is to love him, I had forgot that somewhere along my way. I was on a journey and just like that! I had lost my way. So focused on the things I felt I loved most, I was being distracted and led into my own demise. We have to remember to love Him first and ourselves next, only through him can we know true love.

What better way to know his love that to not only feel it... but to see it?
I had felt an overwhelming feeling, so much I was about to explode with love ... and then...

He smiled at me, as his callused hand touched mine... he smiled...


Monday, October 3, 2011

Fresh Out The Box!

Hey Everyone!

I just wanted to post it up to let you know that I have a YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Sometimes writing or reading doesn't always get the point across so I decided why not start a channel!

You will see in the introduction video that I mention I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I wanted to give you some insight on why I am the way I am and why this is called Random Reads...
I hope you enjoy D's Random Moments... Make sure to tell your friends and Subscribe! MAHALO!


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Like You Mean It...

To ask the question where to begin is like asking the ultimate question; What is the meaning of life...?

As I let these words cross your path I only ask that you take it all in and let it do it's job, clear your mind and only let the words move your thoughts.

To all of the women who have had a bad day, to the women who had one of the worst days of your life... Please listen and understand...
You are loved and you are more than what the situation made you feel. Don't allow outside influences or anger cloud your judgement; Pain can appear in many different ways just so that it sits int the pit of your heart in order to force the love beneath the service so that you're not able to reach for it. We are emotional creatures and just want to love and share it with someone, our efforts are often times taken in ways that are unwanted or unwarranted.

I would hope those who are on the receiving end of the loving efforts would understand her, know that when she picks up random conversation with you that she is trying to tell you that all that happened before is no more, so that she doesn't dwell on the issue but to try in the same manner you preach to let it roll off the back. Opening your mind to her, to the thought that someone DOES ACTUALLY LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU might turn your life into what you envisioned it once upon a time, or maybe even turn it into something better than you imagined...

Your words and actions have powers, the power to control her feelings and emotions, the power to turn a gesture into accusations, and the power to turn hope into pain.... It's a funny thing about power, though it may feel invisible, the abuse of it paints a horrific picture...