Hearts Held Tight

Once again I've found myself outside of my comfort zone, but rather than avoiding it the time has come to finally just confront it.

I've been very quiet for the most part about my personal life simply because though I may not be a celebrity, we all have those people who try to invade your life as if you are one, and I'm not one to feed anyone, and for some odd years without even knowing it I was like a soup kitchen to those who refused to take my silence and starve.

At this point it doesn't make a difference anymore because this is MY life and the way I choose to handle it empowers me and nobody else.

I have spent the last 9 years of my life with a man who has changed my life in ways I would never have imagined... The man I knew is not the person I know now... Unfortunately.
I've always devoted my life to the people I love, to the extent that if I gave the very last piece of me I'd find a way to make more just so that I was able to give whatever was needed but in the end even then it wasn't enough. The thing we tend to forget is that no matter what your all is, it will never be enough to feed the greed.

Trying to explain yourself over and over again, trying to understand why someone would be so heartless towards someone who gave their all and then some ... At some point you have to stop asking why...

Nightmares night after night... they've turned into different realities, always trying to interpret one dream for a situation in your life, the lines become blurred and just all become one in the same. A man who told you nobody could have his heart because you already have it... Come to find out apparently just like a cat has 9 lives so he has hearts...
Problem being that when he started handing them out he forgot to keep a piece for himself.

Maybe that isn't the fairest of things to say, because by saying that meant he cared enough about someone to provide that, and a passing opportunity isn't exactly worth his heart let alone a piece of it, so let this be a lesson to the ones who get ran over in his path. It's heart wrenching to find out that you were nothing more than a 9 year marathon and that you were the path and not the participant.

I take away nothing more than a lesson learned, no regrets, because as I said he has changed my life and believe it or not for the better.... Because of him I learned to value the life I've lived because it pushed me above that... Everything I've endured in my life made me strong enough today to assess the situation and handle it.

If there is anything I would hope a man would take from this is, it would be to please do not ignore her. If you value her at all don't give her empty promises, or empty words. Even if you know its not what you think she wants to hear... BE HONEST WITH HER no matter what it is, allow her the respect to make choices for herself. When she gives her all be thankful, not disrespectful, she is not just someone who SHOULD be there, she chooses to be there because of her love for you, because no matter your actions or attitude she feels that her love alone should be enough and its the only thing that matters..

I want to be very clear on this... this is MY life ... once again MY life and it is from my point of view... It's been difficult to be able to be there for others and offer them tips on how to keep their relationships in tact all the while they work for everyone else it seems I'm the 1% that it wasn't meant for.
The girl next door, the strong and assertive, the passive, the caring, the girl who can handle herself in any male setting while still able to be the woman he needs her to be.... understanding, loving... apparently something was still missing in there, whatever it was it clearly was beyond me.

Through the ups and downs he will have forever have changed my life, nothing can take that away from him... Probably the Love of my life... however the love of my life was filled with excuse after excuse and though he will probably be angry and upset once he reads it, it will only be because he pushed it off for so long and refused to see it before the rest of the world...

I finally bid you a bittersweet farewell ... The incessant lack of respect was too much to handle, it was more than my heart could cover for any longer... So here I sit with a different lease on life, will I love again? Not like this I'm sure... Will he? maybe but in the back of his mind he'll always know that the comparison will never be the same... It's hard to compare Love with anything else.

D