Chemical Polarity

Let's talk about something that many people don't.

The last couple days I've had some really tough moments, moments that came out of nowhere, like... they just happen to appear in the middle of a conversation, and end up taking over that conversation. Sounds frustrating right?

As a young girl when we moved from Sacramento to Madera, CA, I always had this home sick feeling... so much that it stuck with me all through my teenage years and young adult hood...
I must have really loved my home right?? Well yes I did ... but, apparently it was beyond that.

A few years back,After I had moved back to Sacramento, I went to the doctor to find out why my migraines and chest pains had been progressing, and she kept trying to give me pills, she wasn't interested in finding out where it was coming from, and me, I thought ... great another doctor who just wants to shove pills down my throat. She then started asking what I thought was bringing them on, did I have a lot of stress in my life... as I answered yes, and she started prescribing Zoloft and Prozac, I thought to myself... No no no no... I'll handle my stress by dealing with it... I am not a fan of medication by any means.

I could not understand why this EDUCATED person with a PHD MD credentials could not see that I was clearly there for a head ache and chest pain... And then...

Six months had passed and I started feeling "home sick " again... Those who know me will tell you that there is nothing (besides my grandmother and some friends) that I miss about Madera.. I thought back to what the doctor had told me and why she prescribed them, because at the time I was obviously not trying to hear her... Once I took in that moment the rest of my life changed.

For those whom are not educated on this subject I will label it as Bipolar disorder but Actually categorized as Manic Depression Disorder.

I finally realized that this was something that I had been facing for 11 years of my life when I was standing in front of the refrigerator ( I had just bought a ton of groceries) and could not find anything to eat or make for dinner, then right after that I heard people talking which started to sound like yelling, I became so overwhelmed that I stood in front of the refrigerator and started crying... Could not tell you why or how it happened other than a major rush of frustration that I just couldn't handle or explain.

There is no way to explain that feeling ... other than the home sick feeling I had felt for so many years at random moments... were manic episodes, extreme anxiety.
The only explanation I have for the cause is, the fact that either my "mother" was still consuming narcotics while pregnant or my environment she brought around me...maybe a combination of both...

Most people cannot understand why I do not take medication and this is why... The history I have had, though not by my own consumption has effected my life and I choose to take the alternative route... For those who have been told it can't be done ... well I'm not going to say they lied, but what I am saying is that all I needed to do was realize the problem, once I realized the problem I figured out how to control it and not let it consume me.

Disclaimer moment- Obviously I am not an M.D. So this is just me simply letting you know what has worked for me, because I chose not to use medication.

No I do not smoke marijuana, and so you know... often times Marijuana can't even stop or slow the episode.

When I know the feeling is coming, I will try to drink a cup of warm decaffeinated chamomile tea, take a nice warm bath with dim lighting, listen to some light music, or nature sounds... Anything to bring my blood pressure down, because if my blood pressure is down so is the urge to give into the frustrations. I don't really recommend reading, because for most of us who have this tend to be "dreamers" or creative imaginists and reading into a story can actually make that urge stronger because our mind is now wrapped up in a new conundrum.

Often times if the anxiety is just beyond this, I will force myself to sleep. I will eat some fish or take some fish oil and something with peppermint to keep the migraine from becoming too much to deal with ... and then just sleep it off. For ME, if I can catch the episode before it begins I have often been able to avoid it.

For those who have loved ones with this, there are no words that we will ever say that will truly apologize for what we put you through. I can only hope that you can understand after reading this that, it is not something we control... We do not have any excuse for ways we treat you in an episode, but I would hope that you can understand that it is never our intention to bring you with us through it, but you have no idea how we appreciate seeing you when we come out of it.

A good thing to do is to have a code word for those involved, so that everyone is aware that an episode may be coming on. Most people who do take the medication can still have an episode here and there, its rare because the medication does work exceptionally... but nothing is perfect. In the event that should happen, having the code word can often times prevent any hurt feelings.

When feeling the episode its best to say the code word and then talk about what you want that person to do, like.. Hold me, leave me alone, let me sleep, I want to just be quiet... etc. As the friend or caretaker or family member, checking in is good but do not be a pest either... quietly checking in every 20 - 30 minutes is good timing. We will always come back to reality and let you know we're sorry ...

This is not something that many have to deal with, but this is a condition that effects everyone not just the person who it inhabits.

Don't be afraid of this, Don't be ashamed of it... Once it's been accepted it can be conquered.

- D -