Some years back I had been in such turmoil, I had someone I loved very much and because of decisions I made outside of really having no other choice, I moved away and life went on, unfortunately with a 3rd person added to the equation.
I met and fell in love with a man who has changed my life forever, we had a whirlwind of a love affair and soon there after because my Grandmother needed me, I left to be with her.
He and I kept in touch, promised we'd make it work... Did the phone calls, and visits but it just made things more difficult it seemed. I like to call this engagement of two people a "ship" its not exactly a relationship, or a friendship and because of that I've shortened it down to the bare basics...
Our ship set sail 8 years ago and for the first year it was like nothing I could have ever imagined.. Feeling like a teenager finding love for the first time... the butterflies and daydreams were an all day event, that was until that seed of doubt started to settle in.
I have never been one that ever needed someone to plant an idea in my head for me to start thinking of possible situations... For me it was either an over-exaggerated imagination or it was what ALL women have, that 6th sense, woman's intuition...
He started talking about this friend, a friend that was held in a different manor as the rest of his friends... See he may not have known that I pay attention to every little thing, but I noticed his (What I call friend) he referred to as homeboys and homegirls (dumb I know.. never the less) but he always called her a friend same as he always called me (his term of friend was not platonic) See Ladies and Gentlemen we share a different set of definitions when speaking to eachother, the first thing we both have to learn is to speak in our definition but LISTEN in theirs...
Once I realized this, I knew to be cautious and only ask when I was ready to confirm or deny my suspicion.. and the night came when I confirmed it...
The next few days were really tough for me... I had asked and asked the same thing for more than a month and always got an answer that I knew wasn't right... Now I'm not saying he was lying... because he more than likely wasn't... but I knew the answer would eventually come.
About a week before this I had a dream where I called him and this girl had answered and she said stop calling my boyfriend and hung up on me... That's when I knew... It was coming..
I was sleep deprived, starving myself- not because I wanted to but I just had no appetite.-
I had to focus on an object so that anytime I thought about it I could focus in on that object to try and clear my mind, now of course I never want to see that object in life ever ... but believe it or not.. that helped...
Some time went by and he called almost every day and all I could think was, "Why do you want to talk to me, you made your decision so live with it!" But I loved him.. So, I answered finally.
I was cold, short sentenced, I wasn't trying to prove a point, I literally had nothing to say... Nothing to me was real anymore... It was so hard to think of him, while technically he did nothing wrong because we were not in a relationship, that doesn't take away the pain.
My trust in him was gone.
As women we do not want to know after the fact, we want to know before so that we can prepare and act accordingly. If you want to say you love us then do us the justice and allowing us to make an informed decision, be a MAN and have some respect for us.
Know your woman, if she's smart and mature then yes she's going to be hurt but, the situation will go so much smoother in the long run.
He and I started to get a friendship back, he was doing and saying things he hadn't in a long time, things were slowly looking up, and then .... I called him to tell him that the Lakers were dismantling ... (you see we share a hatred for the Lakers and a Love for our SACRAMENTO Kings) well as the phone stopped ringing a female voice had answered the phone, and instantly my heart dropped as did the phone. My mind flashing back to the dream I had some months before, I was at a loss of words but was filled with millions of thoughts. The trust we were starting to build up was instantly gone in a flash.
I had kept in touch with him, again.. I loved him and I was just back at square one, feeling like an idiot because I was the girl who always said I don't give second chances, but there I was...
He didn't see that there was anything wrong with what he was doing and, you see me... I was the type of person that refused to live with "what if's" so I took it as far as I could no matter the circumstances... I secluded myself to only communications with him, if he were to visit it was as friends, because this way I wouldn't have to ask a question I felt I knew the answer to, and hurt myself again in the process...
Some time had passed... April had come and I sat one night myspacing ... when I see a message from someone I didn't know, but I knew where this was going... The message read...
" You don't know me but I wanted to introduce myself, I'm ______ a friend of (his) I see we like a lot of the same things and thought we could be friends"
Now before answering her or looking at her page I immediately called him to ask who she was... you see.. he wasn't on myspace so she had to have known how to find me (even though I had encrypted everything I could so that I couldn't be found.) He told me that she was just a friend from school... Now again, I noticed the word "friend" and knew that I was correct in my suspicion. I looked at her page after he had told me what I would find on it... Sure enough I was correct...
I called him back and told him I wanted nothing to do with her, that I knew what she was doing and I'm not stupid... He'd better take care of it or I would.
Well from there, life was not the greatest... I would receive different messages from her or her "friends" (which turned out to be fake profiles/people - we found this out 4 YEARS later) She started stalking me online as well as in person...
When he decided to move away and come with me, it really set her off to a new level...
He and I fought for so long because to him she was just an acquaintance without understanding how that made me feel. She of course tried to monopolize on any situation and almost broke us...
While he should have understood that his decision to stay friends with someone who was only trying to destroy his happiness for her own personal gain... I shouldn't have allowed the thoughts in either...
I know, you think.. well with everything that she did (which ... I haven't even began to scratch the surface of what transpired) how could I not let it effect me..??
There was a period in time where I broke down, curled up in a ball screaming that I wanted life to end... You see, Suicide is not for me... I know what happens after that decision and I want to be with the Lord when I leave this Earth and frankly I AM TOO STRONG OF A PERSON TO GIVE UP ... But the feeling of being useless and all alone can get to you, and for me it definitely did. I felt alone and I just asked God to help me understand and get me through it ,let the rapture happen right now! I'm done with this life!! Free me!...
I woke up the next day and my outlook on life was different, its unexplainable on how it changed but it did.
He and I were arguing so much that one day I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold it together any longer... and I heard something he said in prior arguments... "The bickering needs to stop"
Now of course I knew this myself.. but at that moment it really sunk in.
Love is a tough path to sail down... It requires trust, unconditional love, admiration and respect.
As humans we use each other to take our emotions out on, be it good bad or ugly... and we expect the other to take it because they love us and are suppose to be there for us, and in the interim we forget they are a person with feelings also... I decided to take a look at myself, and really think about what I was ACTUALLY giving to this "battleship" ... was I pushing us on to victory or was I the one on the ship lighting the detonator??
I quickly started to see that I was always wrapped up in ME, no matter how much I did for him, it was still always about me, because lets be honest .. we do these things with at least a small hope that it's returned... The whole time we are over giving and over analyzing we are not understanding that we have forgotten the one thing that matters... and that is that we are on this ship together, shipmates... If this ship takes on water we're both going down, so we can either work it together as equals or say our goodbyes now.
Once this hit me... everything else started to fall into place.
As women we become so wrapped up in our suspicions because of our pride, we refuse to get hurt, if we can stop it before it happens we're going to do it... Which is why we ask so many questions. Men you have to understand this is not an insecurity thing, this is not even an accusation against you, this is a survival technique we have, Kill or be Killed metality. We need to know if this is taking on water and you've given up because if so we need to access if its time to jump ship.
I am a firm believer in faith... I do not walk by sight but only by faith...
We are only human and can only control what is within our power to.
I hate to be this blunt but if our partner is cheating, there is nothing you can do to keep them from doing so... no matter what they may say.. "If you woulda this if you woulda that" NEGATIVE there is no way to keep someone from doing something... That is the power of free will... We control what we do with that destiny that has been set, we can either sail the waters that have been calmed for us or we can choose to travel the choppy waters, but we can control how we handle it...
I finally came to realize that I was so wrapped up in not trusting him and worrying about every move he made I was making myself miserable... and with that I said...
God... I followed where you led me... and here I am... FIX IT!
I stopped worrying about trusting my partner... and started trusting in my Captain..
WHY AM I RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO STOP SITUATIONS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER?!
Only God has the power to fix what I can't.. I had to stop feeling like I needed to trust the person I was in the relationship with.... because that was getting me nowhere, they are only human and mistakes will be made. But God makes no mistakes, once I started trusting in HIS LOVE, I found that happiness I was searching for, for so long, and I found it in everything I did.
I finally uncovered that Trust that had been gone for so long..
Time's will get rough, love is not easy... but remember ...
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, It is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
At the end of the day only the two of you are in this together, not he she or they.. just you and only you can make or break the tie that binds...
-D
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